My message to Sir

I'm just not up to it (aquafit), I did really consider going anyway, headache, nausea, and diarrhea. And I'm freezing cold. So I'm under my blankets. Just resting. But I really do want to thank you for pushing me a little. I do need that. Sir, I'm wondering, if you feel like I'm too much work for you, you know, like you were saying last night about subs who are so needy. And about you not identifying as a Dom. I do want and need rules and boundaries and discipline. But I also don't want to burden you with things you don't want. If you don't want the added responsibilities, I need to know that  I need you, as my Sir, to be my leader. I need structure and I need to know that you care enough to not let me away with bad behavior. I need to know that you are, and want to be, in charge, sometimes I need a reminder of that. It doesn't even need to be anything big. Just a reminder that You make the decisions and not me. I need that to feel safe and secure with you. Anyway, I know this is long and you'll say I'm ranting again lol. I love you Sir, I love being with you. I want to always tell you what I need, well, if I know that is,  and I hope that you would do the same.

He called. He says, I'm not to worry. That he loves me. He says he's learning that I need him to put his foot down. Especially about aquafit. He says there is no reason for me to doubt. But that he does want me to tell him, if I start feeling that way.
I'm so very lucky to have him. He's an amazing man.

Soothing calming comforting cock.

We played, on Tuesday, happiness abounds. ;)

He put me into subspace. I never realize that I'm in subspace until i come back down. He fucked me, made me gush over and over. My clit is tingling just thinking about it. mmm... So fucking good!
But this... This is when it got... interesting...

He told me to suck his cock again.
I crawled down, between his legs so I could put his whole cock down my throat. I began fucking my face with his cock, moving my head up and down as I normally do, but then, I lied my head down and sucked him in like I was sucking on my thumb. I began suckling from him like I was sucking milk from him. It didn't make him hard, it made him relaxed. I enjoyed every second of it, his breathing slowed, his body relaxed. For me, It was so calming I felt comforted, soothed, the sucking motion hypnotizing me. Each moment was all there was. My sucking motion, our relaxed breathing. I was in heaven. All I wanted was to stay curled up between his legs, his cock in my mouth gently and lovingly suckling him. I continued for a very long time, i don't even know how long, i was disconnected from reality, he actually fell asleep. And I love love loved it. I was completely and utterly relaxed suckling on his cock thoroughly enjoying the feeling of his warm semi hard flesh filling my mouth. I didn't want to stop when he told me to. I didn't want to take my mouth off of his cock. The way he filled my mouth, like that's where his cock should be, I wish I was sucking his cock now. I wish I could fall asleep with his cock in my mouth just suckling him like that. The memory of It does make my clit swell and throb and makes me want to cum, but it's more than that. It made me HIS.
It was simply an amazing experience. I did realize, a little later, once I had floated back down to reality, that I must have been in subspace that whole time because the experience was so surreal.
That has never happened to me before while sucking a cock.
Fuck I wish his cock was in my mouth, right now. I want to feel that way again. mmm (happy sigh).

Phones grrr

I hate it when I write a post and then my phone shuts off

When he calls

To say goodnight.
He fills my heart with happiness. ;)

New development :)

Tonight I made dinner for Sir and his boys. I usually make dinner for Sir, but this was the first time I made it for the boys too. And they liked it :). That makes me very happy.
I made chicken broccoli divan so yummy. And cracker crack for dessert.

One of his boys (I think he said L) told him "I'm glad that Julie is in your life" :)

How things have changed in a few short months.

With his son's approval I think he'll be more relaxed about loving me.
He was very proud of me tonight I think. :)

Sweet Dreams

That's what he says to me every night when he calls, just before we hang up.
(happy sigh)

I'm very happy to be his.

Sometimes the worry monsters still invade my brain but mostly they're kept in check.

I love him.
I hope we stay together for a very long time. :)

He took it back

Control.
Such a wonderful man he is.
Happy sigh.

Him

I long to be in his arms.
To fall asleep listening to his breathing and feeling the warmth of his skin on mine.
I long to look into his eyes.
And see his love for me smiling back at me.
I long to just be near him.

I don't like

Sleeping alone so much.
:'(

Feeling Wonderful

He beat me and fucked me.
Then beat me more.
So yummy.

Remembering that his cum is in me makes me so happy.

Then today I made him breakfast.
We watched The Walking Dead and then went for a lovely walk around the bay.

We sat and talked. He put his arm around me and pulled me close.

I am so very much his.
(Happy Sigh)

We talked a lot. About us, and I told him about how sometimes I think he doesn't care because he doesn't get jealous. He says... Well... He doesn't currently have any competition. True ;)

I think. He actually does love me.
;)

Fuck!

His words. His promises of kinky fun. Pain and pleasure. Very soon. Ugh!
Then expects me to sleep. LOL

Ya ok. lol

I Am His

That is all.

Ok, one more thing..

He said "you're happy now".
And he's right. :)

A Good, Good Night

I just had a very nice call from Sir. And he called me and I didn't even ask. And he made sure he pointed that out lol.

Sometimes he makes me laugh. Sometimes he makes me cry. Sometimes he makes me scream, mMmmm so yummy.

I do think that he understands something about me. He understands that I need sex. That I get very frustrated. That I don't think very straight when I'm too aroused when I need to release. He says it's like other people exercise to release stress I have sex. Yes I think he's right about that. :-)

Tonight he said that it has crossed his mind that we couldn't live together because I have Molly and he's allergic to pet dander.

To me that's amazing. To me that means that he's serious about me. Or at the very least that he thinks about me. That he thinks about what it might be like if we live together. Not even that I want to live with him because I don't. Maybe someday in the future. But it's not something that I think about or want or worry about. But it makes me very happy that it crossed his mind. That "what if". If we live together. Happy sigh.

And he's got all our events for the next little while marked down in his calendar I keep him pretty busy. lol

I love him. My Sir. :-)

I dunno

He says he would miss me, if I found somebody else.

Maybe.

I'm not sure that I believe that.

He's just so

Unemotional.

Sad i don't want to chase him any more

I'm kind of irritated.
I'm here at home alone, he's there with his friends (they're doing laundry but still) they are there. And me, he didn't even really want to talk to me on the phone.

He says he's under the weather.
So I guess I should cut him some slack.
It's just, if we were just friends I would be more important to him than I am.

I dunno.

Jealous I guess.
Because they get to be with him and I don't.
But I'm irritated anyway. 
I hate not being very important to him.
I'm not sure that's true.
But that's how I feel right now.
Like I could just leave, and he wouldn't care. Like I'm a burden to him.
Like he doesn't want to be with me anymore. But he doesn't want to hurt me either. I don't know if that's true or just my own fears.
I'm sad today.
Not really sure why.

I think I should just let him be. Let him contact me. I'm not sure that I'm wanted.

It just occurred to me... Perhaps I need to play... Perhaps that's the cause of the frustration I feel.

And I haven't cum since I was with him on Tuesday. That's a long time for me.

Feeling emotional today.

He didn't say I love you. :(

It's such a simple thing.

So silly to be upset about.

:(

I called him back, hoping to nip the incoming emotional shit storm in the bud

I guess it helped somewhat.

It's hard not to put more meaning on it than is really there.

It's just, he forgot. So, it seems like it's not very important to him.

Did he forget because he is losing interest.
Did he forget because he doesn't really love me?

Is he mad now or irritated because I called him back.

Sadness is here. :(
Fear is in my heart.

Why

Why does this release a rush of endorphins...

You have been awake to long, you are over thinking. You need a nap. Go have a nap. This is not a suggestion.

Huge sigh... I love my Sir. (Giggles)

Aftercare

Things that I know help me to come down slowly...

Cuddling into you, your arm around me, holding me tightly in your embrace.
(This makes me feel safe, protected)

Any touches from you, like stroking my hair or my cheek. (I love this especially it makes my heart sing)
Holding my hand.
Gently rubbing your feet on mine.
Pulling my leg in closer using your leg.
Soft kisses on my forehead.
(These things make me feel loved and cherished)

A soft warm blanket.
(Soothes my owies and calms me lol)

Chocolate. (No explanation needed lol)

After resting, either going to sleep with you or if I'm not staying then getting up and doing something physical 

(I found that dancing with you helped me immensely that night i do beleive it helped to prevent a major meltdown)

One of the most important things is to be able to hear your voice on the days following. I truly need to hear you say that you are pleased with me, that I'm wanted and loved and that I'm yours.

One time you sent me this message:

 you My slut belong to Me. you are My property, all that you once considered part of you, is now Mine. you have surrendered to Me, mind and body. There is no doubt, for you or I, I Own you.

That was/is absoutley perfect and sometimes I read it over again when i feel a little seed of doubt floating around.

Thats all I can think of at the moment, but I will add to this list when I find other things that work or other things we can try.

KC says with the proper attention given to providing the aftercare that a submissive needs... sub-drop can be minimized greatly and most times eliminated all together. I definitely want to work towards that goal :) I am so very blessed that you care about me enough, and value our relationship enough to want to work together to overcome this challenge. Thank you Sir. You not only have my love, you have my respect, you are a very caring and attentive Dom.

Regarding sex being a necessary part of my aftercare, that could very well be, I am still considering that idea.

You have asked me, what do i need... i don't a;ways know, it's trial and error. You are the only Dom I have ever played with, new feelings and reactions happen and I am only just learning about myself and how things affect me. Thank you for walking with me and being a part of my journey, I could not have wished for a more patient and loving Dom.

Play

He fastens my hands to the cross's restraints. i'm nervous, although not scared. This is not the first time we've played.

He has me facing the wall, He starts with His belt, I can see it in His hand. Shivers of anticipation run down my body.

Smack!

The sound is loud, the impact stings. i yelp like a wounded animal.
i love it.
More swings of His belt. Yes please.
More sounds of sweet torture escaping my lips. My body responds with a rush of those wonderful chemicals that make this all worthwhile. It's like I can feel His love for me in every strike.
He grabs my hair, I'm instantly intensely aroused.
He pulls my head back as he swings the belt again. His grip on my hair has me refocused and although He swings hard, I barely feel it.
All rational thought has left me.

He touches my cheek, moves my hair so that He can look into my eyes. The only thoughts i have are of absolute love and devotion. i'm His. Utterly and completely His. i'm in the trance they call subspace.  Reality has slipped away.

And then He takes me deeper...
"Remove your dress"
"Yes Sir" i do not hesitate. i only obey.
W/we move to another station,  now i'm sitting, facing him. He chains my wrists together above my head. I am restrained, exposed, vulnerable, completely dependent upon Him for my safety.

I'm not thinking now just experiencing. Just obeying. His commands and the sound of his implements on my skin are all I hear. All I want to hear.

He covers my head with a hood. It's dark.
I'm in a another world.
There is only Him and me.
But I am his. In this moment I'm nothing without him,  I have no will of my own. It doesn't exist. So really, there is only Him.

He tortures my breasts and nipples for what seemed a long time, relentlessly. i reach my limit, i cry out, "No" i sob, and tears fall under the mask. But i don't really want him to stop, but then again, i do. At last,  i can take no more. And cry for "mercy" our safe word.
He touches me lovingly. i am His property He loves me. i trust that He will take care of me. My love for him is more like adoration, like worship. I am an atheist, but, in those moments, He is my God!

Sub Drop Really Really Sucks

https://livewideopen.wordpress.com/2010/10/24/sub-dopt/

Playing at Scandalous

Playing today was so intense oh my goodness I can't even tell you

We went to scandalous. And we played and I cried but it was glorious and I laughed he took me very far in subspace.

But then he had to leave to go home cuz he has to work tomorrow. But I didn't want him to go. I started to get very upset. So I told him that I was starting to get very upset. But I didn't mean to be upset I didn't want to be upset and I just needed his help to try to control it. So we tried. It ended up we dance to huge smile he's such a good dancer I love dancing with him I can't believe we we played and then we dance it was amazing.

We were sitting on the couch just after we played in the in the dance room. And I was looking into his eyes he looked like he loved me like he was in love with me but that makes me cry cuz I don't think it's true. He didn't say it. I mean he says he loves me. But he never says he's in love with me. He doesn't want to lead me on.

I know he's just trying to protect me. And he says he wasn't ready to give anybody his whole heart. And I get that I really do. But then why does he look at me like that. Why does he look at me like she's in love with me, if he's not. It makes me cry.

I don't know what to do. Because I just keep falling more and more in love with him.

So I had to come home alone. Because he has to work tomorrow. Which means I only got a small amount of aftercare. Which doesn't work well for me. I need a ton. So I may not be able to plant scandalous anymore because I can't get into that headspace and then have to go home by myself all alone it's too much for me. I don't think he truly understands that its sub drop. He thinks I'm worried or afraid but its not that at all I know what it is and it snowed the endorphins are the oxy whatever it is it's those chemicals being raised so high and then dropping which I love but its so hard to take. I definitely need him to acknowledge that that's what it is and then not that I'm just being silly I need him to understand it and just help me through it and and be accepting of it.

I don't know

I guess I'll just talk to him tomorrow about it.

He's a strange one.

I love fucking

Seriously, I really fucking love fucking. lol
I love when he slams his hard cock into me. I love how he calls me his dirty little slut. I love when he says "take my cock slut" and "squeeze my cock whore" FUCK! It makes me so aroused just thinking, remembering...*happy sigh*.

I love his hand in my hair.
I love wearing his collar.

I love him.

I am his.

I belong.

I love him so very much

I'm so very lucky to have him in my life. :)

Happiness

It's so odd that now I'm feeling so happy. lol

So Sir says

I need less choices.
I need for him to tell me exactly what to do. He says he thought about it a lot.

So from now on he won't say "I'm going to talk to my friend and you can either come or go as you please" he'll say, I'm going to talk to my friend for 30 minutes, you will do the dishes, tidy the kitchen and then sit quietly until I'm done.

That... I think would work lol
Isn't that absolutely insane lol

Because what I really wanted to do was just sit at his feet with my head on his knee. But I was afraid he would think I was trying to take his attention away from his friend. I had no way to ask him without interrupting him. And I wasn't thinking clearly. He thinks due to the Cymbalta.
Maybe.

But after tonight's phone conversation I'm a lot less worried. lol. Instead of thinking about releasing me his decision his idea is to tighten the reigns aaahhh happy sigh. I feel much more secure that way. :)

I hate not sleeping

Woke up early so that I could cry some more. Fun stuff. :(

I'm so afraid. Afraid that he doesn't really want me. Afraid that he'll lose interest and find someone else. :( Just like Grizz did.

It's so sad. My fear is making me behave in ways that will make my fears be realized. I wouldn't blame him if he left me right now. :(

I must seem like a basket case.
I don't want to cause him grief, but it seems like THAT is all I do. :(

Rough day

Many tears.
Not sure where exactly they came from.
Even went to see my Sir, but that ended badly. :(

His friend called and he said, "I'm going to talk with my friend you can come or go as you like"

That sent me back to crying my eyes out.
:(
Feeling tossed aside.
Worthless. In the way.

He says he didn't mean it that way. He says he meant that I didn't have to leave.

I thought he wasn't even going to say good bye. But he says he was.

Then he said, if that's the way I'm going to react then he won't be able to invite me to his house. That hurt. A lot. :'(

I know I was very upset and out of control with my crying. I know he didn't know what to do. :(
Still.
It was mean. Cruel. :(
Sad :(

Before that was OK.
I did get to be near him, although I had the feeling I wasn't really wanted.
Perhaps it's all in my head.
But usually it's not.

Nobody wants me :(

So tired

This wedding prep is for the birds. ;)

Limits and Definitions

Sir and I had a very long talk tonight. :)
We talked about many things :) Tao, Religion, Humanism :)
And the definition of monogamous.

To me monogamous means no other "relationships"
To him it means no sex with others.

I told him, I want him to be free to have sex with others and play with others but that i will most likely be jealous. He understood, I think.

He did say he will tell me beforehand if he decides to have sex with someone else.
I wish it didn't bother me so much. :(

If that happens, I do foresee that it could very well be the end of our relationship.
I will not give him any kind of restrictions, but, I am just not sure I can handle it.
And if I can't then that means we are not well matched.

I know it bothered me a great deal when Grizz spent time with his other women instead of me.

I do think, he doesn't have time to have another relationship. As it is I already want more time than he has or well, I would love to have more time with him, I am willing to accept the status quo because he's worth it.

If the other play partner was taking time away that would have been mine... that would be an issue.

But then that begs the question... what time is mine... he has not promised me any time at all.
Ugh, sometimes that is frustrating, not knowing from one day to the other if I will see him or not.
For him, it's no big deal, it's like he can take me or leave me... or that's how it seems sometimes. Like, if I didn't chase after him he would not seek me out. ;(
I don't know that it's true, and I am not fond of games, so I will not stop contacting him to "test" him.

It was a wonderful phone call. :)
I was upset before he called, missing him a lot, feeling a little lost.
I feel much better now.

I asked him
Are you happy with our relationship?
he said yes, and asked why did I ask
I said, well, your Fet profile still says you're looking for a babygirl. Are you? Still looking for someone else?
He said no, and that he would change his profile.


We talked a lot about how it would be exciting for him to share me with other men/women.
Made me very aroused.
He said it made his cock hard.
he said he likes my submission, that it arouses him.
He likes when I say "Yes Sir"

Cumming for him

Is fucking awesome!

I love him very much

I love hearing his voice before bed each night. (Happy Sigh)

In love

I've fallen in love with a man who isn't in love with me and who says he never will be. Although he makes me happy, there is something missing. Can I live without it?
I don't know, because I don't know what it is.

Camping

He actually did come out. For a visit.
He fucked me in the forest. ;)

His Friends

They invited him to dinner last night.
He said, he had plans. So they're having dinner tonight.
His plans were with me.
Which was good.

But, why doesn't he want me to meet his friends? That's what I want to know.

He said... See, you take priority.
Which yes, I seem to.

I said. When will I get to meet your friends?
He said, I guess I'll have to set something up.

So I'm thinking....
Hmmm
Why not just take me to dinner?
I don't understand.
It makes me suspicious.
Does he not want me to meet them?
Perhaps he wants to keep them as his friends only. So that he has someone to talk to. I dunno.
He took her out for dinner for her birthday.
He seemed reluctant to tell me that they'd invited him for dinner. For whatever reason, I don't know.
I guess I could have asked if I could go with. But that seemed... inappropriate.

Camping

I'm going camping this weekend. :)
I really wanted Sir to come too. I don't think he will. :(
He lets his children decide his life. :(
I don't think it's healthy. But I am merely his submissive.

I hope he comes.

My collar

Well. His collar. It gives me such comfort when I'm unable to be with him. I remember, the first night we played and he let me take it home. He said it was a coping aid. Which leads me to believe that he has some idea of sub drop and of his important aftercare is.

I'm not sure he's fully aware.
He has let me down once. But, he was having a rough patch himself at the time.

I love my Sir so very much

Today we played.
Mostly we had rough sex.
But still, it was fucking awesome!

I'm still remembering, and sighing with happiness. mmmm :)

I am one very happy subbie. lol

I just love him so very much. :)

Message to masterjoe4569 back in April

About me...

Dear Sir,

I am ready to share my kinky self with you...

I love the whole D/s M/s concept.
I love protocols, such as calling my Dom, Sir or whatever term he deems the most respectful... and the enforcement of it.
It helps me to remember my place. Although, I want to be a good girl, sometimes I forget.

I am a slut. I have no sexual hang ups in that regard. I love being fucked! It's fun. Sex is fun. Everyone should have more sex. :) I am willing to be shared with other men if my Sir chooses but only with him present and in control of the situation for my safety.

I do have a little bitty issue with jealousy... I'm not Poly. I would be ok with playing with others together but not my Dom playing without me. That is a hard limit.

Other hard limits... blood, urine, feces, children, anything that would get me arrested, or risk my professional reputation. Daddy/daughter play... I just can't seem to get past the whole feeling of "incest" abuse. Ignoring as discipline is a hard limit. Ignoring is the opposite of what I believe D/s is all about. I recognize, there will be times that I will need to be disciplined, I'm not perfect, if you wish to have is be silent, a short time out, or time to reflect with a set end time would be acceptable

Slut, cunt, cum whore, bitch, and other such names are perfectly acceptable terms of endearment lol during sex/play or jokingly. However, body shaming is not, that's a hard limit. My motto is... "Love the skin you're in"

I love being naked in public. :)
I am an exhibitionist. Which means I really would love to play, have sex in public, but I want the "protection" of it being a command of my Sir (I hope that makes sense).

I don't have any issues with having my picture taken while I'm naked, during play/sex or whatever... Including video... That's fine. (Exhibitionist lol)

I need an absolute ton of aftercare. I have often experienced very bad sub drop after being with Grizz, and he never actually touched me, so I anticipate that a real experience will affect me even deeper.

I'm messy. I gush (i don't like the term squirt)... I gush a lot. :) and I'm very proud of that. But just so you know, I have once soaked through 6 towel layers (we were seeing how many times I could make myself gush, we got to 24 Grizz was watching and counting lol) so your bed may need protection. LOL

Concerning Protection, I'm not on any birth control. I could still get pregnant. So if you wish to cum inside me we will need to use a condom. I wasn't having physical sex so there's been no need for B.C. If you wish, I will look into getting an IUD. I can't take the pill.

I am curious about orgasm control. That is something I would like to explore. I find the thought of cumming on command of my Sir very very hot. That is a power over me that I chose not to give Grizz.

I do want us to be an active part of the BDSM community. I love going to munches, play parties, and maybe next year, to Forbidden (kinky camping event).

I would like us to have a written agreement if that's OK with you.

So that's a good start... On getting to know me... Don't you think. ;)

Why I'm Afraid

I think I may have figured out at least partly why I'm so afraid of Tim leaving me.

When we first met... He said, I want a relationship but not a long term relationship. I don't even really know what that means.

And

His profile says, he's a Daddy Dom looking for his babygirl. He hasn't changed it.

That's what makes me think. For him, this is only a temporary relationship.

He says... it's not casual... what does that mean.

He says he loves me.

I hope he does but I'm not sure that I believe him.

I'm not sure he understands what love is?
Or perhaps it's me, because of all the men who have hurt me and lied to me.
Maybe I am not trusting him. When I should. I don't know.

Friday night

I was upset when he left.
I felt it was the beginning of the end.
But, I think it was just fear.

He called me, which helped tremendously.
I said... Would you even be sad if I walked away...
He said... Of course I'd be sad... I would miss you a lot...

That really helped me.

He said...
You're scaring me.
I didn't understand what he meant.
He said... All this talk about walking away.
I said, I'm sorry.I guess I just needed to hear that I'm important to you.

I felt better and went to sleep.

The morning was brighter. ;)

Feeling wonderful

I had an amazing day with my Sir today.
He restrained me on his bed with ankle and wrist cuffs mmm mmm he clipped clothes pins to my breasts and my pussy lips. He beat me with his rattan toys that he made. All while I was in a mask with only a hole for my mouth.
mmm
Then he fucked me with his mask on, his cock was so hard... Fuck! and I gushed so many times all over his cock. mmmm
It was fucking So good.
Then we rested and he fucked me again.
And I gushed again... and again... And again mmmm it was so amazing!

Then we had dinner, I made pasta.
I so love serving him, :)
Then his son called and I had to go. But I knew about it, and it was all good. :)

And now we've said goodnight on the phone.

Such a perfect day! (happy sigh)

I understand

I understand what he meant now when he was saying I was upset, and why he asked if I'd be able to sleep.

That time, he kicked me out.
I did get very upset following.
But, a big part of it was that I reached out to him for comfort.
And he flat out said he couldn't comfort me.
I know, he was just exhausted, his kid was sick.
But that added to me being upset
I chose to just deal with it on my own and give him a break.
I do understand that I do need to take responsibility for my own feelings ie sub drop.

Would he?

I don't ask. He doesn't call.
Would he even care if I was gone.
I don't know.
:(

Silly things

So I've asked Sir to help me with getting/keeping my apartment in order. So he is. LOL
It's so silly ... the huge smile on my face... doing dishes... Which I don't like doing. But because I was doing it for no other reason than because he told me to and he wanted picture proof ... I smiled all the way through, my heart singing, laughing at myself... I was being a "good girl" and I was so proud... It's hilarious lol

In love

I'm officially in love.
No doubt about it.
I am deeply and irreversibly in love with him. ;)

I just want to please him and serve him to the best of my ability.

That was yesterday.

Today... well actually today I was just dreaming of him. Loving him.
But now
Now, there is a tightening in my gut.
A panic setting in.
A panic that he will leave me.
Abandon me.
No longer want me.
Like the others.

Like Dave, and Marc and Bill. :'(
Tears falling
I'm so very afraid.
I can't sleep
:(

Happy and Sad

When I think about him, I smile involuntarily. lol
Like a silly school girl
Then.
I think, he's so good.
Perhaps he deserves better than me.
I mean... younger... a baby girl
I think
That's what his profile says he's looking for...
Then I get sad.

Me and Mike

I've been thinking a lot about my relationship with Mike. It kind of bothers me that I feel that he is not as attached to me as I am to him. But after talking with KC and talking with Moira. I feel like I might be wrong about that. I feel like he tells me that I don't have his heart but maybe I really do but he doesn't want me to know because he's protecting himself. Just because he does seem to be so very attentive and loving and he says this is not casual for him so what does "this is not casual " mean??  to me that means he's in love with me ... because if you weren't in love with me then it would be just casual wouldn't it? I don't know? he confuses  me . but you know what I truly love being with him just even talking to him laughing watching TV I enjoy his company I enjoy being his I enjoy wearing his play collar and oh my... lol...  he's just... he's a good man and he's a very respectful Dom and I don't know how often I'm going to find that. I don't want to give that up. I don't think I should give it up even even if he's not in love with me perhaps that's not a requirement. Or perhaps that comes later. I don't know maybe he doesn't know what being in love means. lol Just a bunch of thoughts running through my head and so... yeah.... lol

Living Your Truth

You feel balanced.

Life is going to throw lemons your way. There will be disappointments, pain, death and broken hearts. Knowing that you're anchored and have a foundation regardless of what happens is a sign of truth and a sign of balance.

You aren't looking to be completed.

When you are being true to yourself, your whole and complete. There is no need to search for someone else to do this for you. The more you look to be completed, the more you weaken the sense of completeness that you have within.

Out side validation is your only source of validation.

Being true to yourself means your main source of validation is from within. Sure, outside validation feels good, but it should not be your only source of validation. The more it is, the more you lower your sense of self.

You're not depending on others to feel good about yourself.

Living in your truth means your relationship with others are about respect. They bring out the light and live within. I mean you aren't dependent on those relationships to feel good about yourself.

You don't feel guilty speaking your truth.

The reality is that you're not going to appease everyone. It's an illusion to think that you are. Being honest and truthful about communicating with others is where there is lasting fulfillment and you embrace what living or truth really means.

You don't take everything personally.

It can be easy to take what others say personally this can get you in a negative head space where you overcompensate and ultimately aren't being true to yourself. By being true to yourself, you trust in your actions and your choices. You realise that what others do has to do with them, not you.

You believe you're more than your job, relationship, looks or financial status.

Your value is innately within you. When you are being true to yourself the externals don't define you. You realize you are more than what you have. You believe you are whole.

That won't be allowed. Smiles

Me
"I quit smoking in 1995, well I have smoked since then occassionaly. Well, except last year, I did start smoking again regularly for about year, buying actual cartons and everything.

Sir
 "Well, that won't be allowed..."

Me
Catching my breath, smiling, lowering my eyes, such an affect this has on me, any, even just this small showing of His dominance and I get butterflies, I feel my pulse racing and just want to fall to my knees in front of Him.*happy sigh* The power exchange aspect of D/s is so very intoxicating for me.

Be careful

Be careful

Be careful little girl, where you walk.
Be careful what you do and how you talk.

Be careful little one cause you don't know
What lies underneath the clean white snow.

Be careful sweet thing and open your eyes
Some only want to fill you with lies

Be careful pretty girl protect your soft heart
Don't let the wolves tear it apart

Be careful

Doubts

I'm not sure about him.
Only that maybe he's settling.
Maybe he'd rather have someone else.
A baby girl type. Young and thin like torture doll.
I think he might be in love with her.
But it's all conjecture.
And my own fears.
Grizz preferred someone younger, a baby girl. Maybe he will too.
I don't want to be the consolation prize.
I want someone who's grateful for me. Who would not be interested in a baby girl.
:(
Perhaps he doesn't exist.

Pretty words

Hello My slut. I have been missing you. This morning I thought of you, masked with a full head ball gag. you had on your corset, garter belt and stockings. I was dressed in a black body suit and hooded. I spanked your ass and cropped your pussy, then stimulated your clit and stretched out your ass until you begged for My cock. you begged Me to fuck you, let you cum. I pounded your cunt with My cock, often pushing the gag in and covering your nose so you couldn't breath. I fucked  you over and over you came many times, then I jammed My cock in your stretched ass. I fuck your ass hard, your senses where over whelmed, then I came in your ass.  All you could do was pant to try to regain your breath. I took the gag out and commanded you suck My cock, but you couldn't, your body was spent. I had fucked you into oblivion.

I need to remember

Good Morning My slut. I am glad you slept well last night, but not pleased that you stayed up late playing on your phone Thursday night. What where you trying to accomplish that stubbornness kept you awake? I have been trying to think of what displinary  action is appropriate, but being tired the next day is consequences of its own. I know that My displeasure will also weigh heavy. So for now you will get only a stern message, but I do not what it to happen again. You have enough trouble getting sleep with medication and family matters. I do not what you up late playing with your phone. From now on bed time is 11pm, unless you ask permission to stay up late and have a good explanation, example you are going to a family event (tonight a Stag and Doe). Kiss on the forehead.
That reminds Me, have you written Trip to thank him for bringing the retan switches to Shenanigans?
I love you My slut. We are packing and preparing today. Are you helping with the move? 💋 😘

Thinking about my "place"

I have read
Some need constant reminders that they are not in charge, they push the limits,
Some say they are just naturally submissive and almost never step out of line or "forget their place"

I am new to this lifestyle and even though submitting to my Sir, being his property, doing whatever he tells me, is what I truly desire with every fiber of my being, even though my deepest wish is to serve him to the best of my ability... I'm not perfect...

I don't always fulfil my responsibilities as I know I should. When it happens, I feel very guilty about it. Ashamed. I want more than anything for my Sir to be proud of me, to be a good girl for him.

If I fail to ALWAYS do what I know is expected, does that mean I'm not a "true" submissive ?

If I need a reminder from time to time, a reprimand or even discipline, does that mean I'm not a good submissive?

These are some of the questions floating around in my brain.

Thing is, I like, actually I LOVE, when he exercises his authority. When he says no it has a huge affect on me maybe even more so than when he says yes.
Does that make me bratty?

Many things to ponder.

He called .... *happy sigh*

He seems to be wanting me more often.
He called tonight to fuck me over the phone.
I love my Sir so much.
Tomorrow I'll be in his arms again.
*happy sigh*

Fireworks

Such a lovely day.
I got to see my Sir. He fucked me really good.
Then we went to a BBQ with Alexis and Bender and their family. Then to the beach to watch the fireworks. Canada Day Fireworks with my Sir... mmmmm I'm so happy. It was wonderful. Being with him, adoring him, (happy sigh) :D

Woke up thinking of him and his cock. mmm I so wish I was there right now.

Memories of him make me so aroused.

I love Him

I'm feeling so very yummy. I just had a great time with my Sir. He fucked all my holes and then came in my ass. It was fucking hot! I loved every second that I was with him.

He's going on vacation with his kids. So it will be a long time before I get to be with him again.

I love him.

Sooo This happened...

I don't want to dwell on it, but I do think that it's important to remember...

Soooo this happened....

Sooo... (frowning) this happened... I spent the weekend with Mike at his place (It was an amazing weekend) on Sunday in the morning he decided he would rather not go to Scandalous (a local event) but said I could still go. Of course I prefer him to come with me, but, I love Scandalous (which was Sunday night) and so I decided that yes I would go on my own. No big deal, I always have fun there. Mike and I have talked at length about things like his children come first. I have no issue with that. They will not stay young (12 &14 right now) forever and he doesn't live with them so his time with them is already less. I support him in this, admire him for it even... That being said...
On Sunday morning when we got up, (after a lovely time in bed) he asked my plans for the day. (Note I live 30 minutes away from his house and Scandalous) He said his plans were to just relax and watch TV. I asked permission. I asked... may I just hang out here with you until I leave for Scandalous at 6:30? He said yes. We had a lovely day watching Netflix, laughing, talking so wonderful... Then... It all changed... His son texted him and asked if he could come over... And he kicked me out (I hadn't even gotten dressed yet) He did let me shower and dress. He was not mean about it but it hurt just the same.

The kids don't know about me. And he doesn't want them to. I was leaving in two hours anyway but he would not let his son wait for even that short of time. It made me feel like a piece of garbage.

To me... I feel like it was disrespectful to me. I feel like I shouldn't allow him or anyone else to treat me that way.

But... There's more to the story.

When he saw that he had hurt me (I tried very hard to maintain my composure but I couldn't and I burst into tears, looking back I think what happened, why I was so upset was because i was still floating from playing and it made me crash hard into sub drop.) He became very upset (he cried). He has a huge heart and I know that he'd rather be alone than be responsible for hurting me (emotionally that is, not physically, funny how that works lol).

I don't know how to feel about this.... I am torn between needing to set boundaries for respectful behavior towards me (as another human being not even as his sub) and/but also not wanting to make a mountain out of a mole hill.

The thing is... I had asked permission... to stay... if his son coming was a possibility then I feel I had the right to know that. He should have made that clear. It's not that I minded leaving, we were only watching TV. I would have left sooner if I had known.

And he did spend the whole weekend with me from Friday night on. So I think I should just be grateful for the amazing weekend we had. But... it hurts when someone blatantly shows you that you are just not that important to them. That's how I feel. I'm a pleasant diversion, but ultimately disposable.

It was one of the most amazing weekends of my entire life, but the way it ended was heart breaking. I was so sad, so very sad. I'm more calm about it now, but I don't know what to do.

Then just to make matters worse...

He's been having stress at work over the last week or so. Monday was a long hard day at work for him and his eldest was ill so he had to take him to the doctor after work. They didn't get home until after 10 pm. He was exhausted. And So I've had no voice contact since he kicked me out. I needed to hear his voice so badly :(. I do understand that he couldn't comfort me, he had nothing left, he said as much. But it doesn't lessen my sub drop symptoms and it makes me question whether he can even handle a relationship with me. I NEED contact with my Dom, especially in that kind of situation.... After he's kicked me out of his house.

I'm having strong doubts.
But, it also seems like it's giving up too easy.
What do you think?

muskokasir4u:

just take a deep breath
you will be ok
he is having a tough time , you know as well as anyone what stress does to a person .....sometimes they are not a tactful as they should be .
we all lose some of our polish when we get stressed
this is just a glitch

Taking control

He's very quickly taking control.
I'm actually reluctant to masturbate without at least his voice. It's just not as satisfying.
He said I can watch one more episode of OIYNB. Then bed. No staying up late.
mmm Yes Sir.
I love when he does that. :)

my Sir

I just spoke with Sir on the phone. My God his voice sounded amazing. We shared our day, then he had me get my toy and make myself cum for him.
It was pretty awesome. Not as good as the real thing. But still awesome.

I've been missing him so much.

And after what happened on Sunday I was thinking of asking to be released. He doesn't know that though.

But, I'm fine now. I'm staying.
And we have plans for Saturday night. mmm I can hardly wait

Some thoughts

When you begin a play session by striking my nipples hard with the crop, I have a very difficult time not using my safe word. It actually makes me want to cry almost instantly. I have negative panicky feelings, and I want you to stop. I've been just dealing, because I wasn't sure what to do.
I feel like, I need a warm up. Am I allowed one?
I'm not sure if that's the goal (getting me to say Red as quickly as possible) I don't know if I should tell you that I don't like it or not, because, if I don't like it, does that mean you will do it more?? I mean, I'm not supposed to "like" it.
So... negotiations... we haven't really discussed much as far as negotiations go, since our first coffee meeting... is the above something we can negotiate?

Aftercare... you are amazing at aftercare, truly. Usually I leave in a state of bliss that lasts for days. I just want to share with you that I have noticed, I need a lot of aftercare. I need your arms around me, protecting me, I need you to (as you do) touch me softly and caress me. It makes me feel OK again. It's like, there's a certain point that I need to get to, so that I can drive away alone and not feel sad/cry. If it seems like you don't want to be near me, that's difficult for me. If I feel like you're in a hurry to get rid of me, it makes me very sad. After we play, it seems I'm very susceptible to believing any sad ridiculous thoughts that might sneak into my head. lol.

I love every second that I've been able to spend with you.
I love being yours.
I am very much looking forward to being at your side in our group of friends, I'm so very proud to be your submissive. I'm a very lucky girl.
I love you.

Another wonderful night... :)

And a little more clarity.

I made him dinner, as has become our Tuesday tradition. Today was glazed carrots, oven broiled potato bites and baked chicken with red hot sauce.

He seemed to really like it.
I still sometimes doubt his truthfulness. I don't mean to, but I'm used to people lying.

Oh and deviled eggs, which I know, he loves and I had promised to make for him. :)

Then, we had sex... Our kind of sex... mmm with a little bit of S&M thrown in lol. It was awesome. Although, I am not a fan of canes. He fucked me, with his cock and with a glass dildo, we keep trying for anal sex, but, it's only happened a few times and he's only actually came in my ass once. It was pretty fucking hot though.  I gushed at least 3 times. He is very attentive to my needs especially after I left one time very... Frustrated. I don't think he wants that to happen again. I didn't make a huge deal about it, but I did tell him.

After, we went for a walk. So wonderful. And then we talked for a while, just about whatever.

I asked if he had been in love with Nilla, he said "I thought I was". I feel much sympathy for him. It hurts like hell to love someone who doesn't love you back, and who isn't worth your love.

He says , he's infatuated with me.
I was surprised. Sometimes I feel like as though he could walk away without a second thought.
He says, he has never been " madly in love " with anyone. He says, that's who he is, he doesn't get overly emotional. But. I don't necessarily believe that. I saw him tear up when talking about what he has lost.

I have some questions for him...
But I keep forgetting.

I love him. "happy sigh* ;)

thinking about things

I just had a wonderful night with my Sir.
So many amazing memories made, feeling so good when he left.

I am finding it hard though, to stay positive, when I know, he doesn't love me, I mean, he loves me, but he's not in love with me and he has never lied about that. He says, he can't give me his whole heart. He says he's not ready. I know I lack patience, I want it all right now all the time. So I am trying very hard not to make any rash decisions.

I am thinking perhaps I should cancel the meeting between him and my girls. I dunno.

It makes me very sad.
To think I must give him up
Because, I don't want to settle for less than I deserve and I deserve a man who is deeply and madly in love with me.

I can't relax with him, because I am always afraid he will leave. He will decide I want more than he can give me and he will tell me that we can't be together anymore.

He confuses me sometimes.
He says, it's like any other dating. but it's not. we are not building a relationship to build a life together, we are just passing time.

It does cross my mind that I should break this off now, now while it won't (hopefully) completely destroy me. But I really really don't want to. I want him. But I want him to want me just as much, and he doesn't. I can just accept that, I can keep him, but if I can't, I will have to leave him. It's so sad. So very sad.
Sad for him too.
He could have all of me, he could keep me.
But he holds back. :(
Sad for him.

He changed his status on his profile for me.
He was afraid to do that.
I will not let him down by breaking up with him already, let's give it six months and we'll see how things are.

I'm always left wanting

Not sex. Just wanting to be near him. To serve him. To make him happy.

I guess it's a good thing. ;)

His Voice

The sound of his voice makes me smile. It calms me. He is my Sir. With him, I'm safe.

Can't sleep

I'm lying here, it's been an hour now, but I can't sleep.
It's partly because of the cramps...ugh... The only time I hate being a woman.

And thoughts of my Sir, very much keep me up.

Response

Bleeding hearts from jumping too fast.

I was thinking along these very lines just recently, reflecting upon a relationship that ended. We did not "cut the strings gently" as I had anticipated and wanted. I was put in a position where I had to rip the barbed strings out of my heart with fierce force of will and let it bleed profusely until it could bleed no more.

I, however, still wouldn't change a thing.

I am alive! Which means I will experience (hopefully) pleasure, pain, happiness and sorrow. I believe,we must be willing to endure the deepest depths of pain in order to reach the epic highs of pleasure (love).

I am his

So, yesterday my Sir and I announced publicly that we are in a relationship.
He is my owner and I am his property.
Such a happy subbie.

Tonight I went to see him. I made him dinner, it made me very happy to do that for him.

So many memories being made. Wish I could record them all. I don't want to forget.

He fisted me today. I was surprised that it hurt. I don't know what I was thinking... Of course it's going to hurt. lol.
But soon enough, it was more pleasure than pain. And I gushed all over.
He called me his little squirty girl. LOL
He grabbed me by my collar and said "nobody gets this look but me, it belongs to me"
It was so amazing. All I could do is agree and obey. His dominant touch takes my will. Turns me to jello.

Rainbow Birthday

Teeth brushed.
In bed. 4am
I got home about 2:45 from the play party.
I didn't play today.
I had no one to play with, for one, He couldn't come with. Family stuff.

It was still a ton of fun though.
One thing I did experience was ...
When I heard the slaps and the gasps and cries of pain, OMG
A hunger overtook me. Like a smoker having a nicotine fit. I wanted my Sir so badly at that moment, I wanted to be the one receiving those strikes. And even now I hunger for him.
A deep growling hunger. Wild and dangerous.
I need it. Like I need to breathe, to eat, I need his strikes upon my skin. But, I want it from him, not from someone else. I know, I'm allowed. Well, I think I'm allowed. I guess we still need to have that conversation.
How much control does he have?
How much control does he want?
I don't know.
I'll get back to you on that one.

He's so sweet. ;)

I'm sorry if I'm too clingy. I'm trying very hard. I know I can be .. Very intense.

Don't you worry, I know My slut needs a lot of attention. And I like being the center of your attention.

OK. Yes Sir, I will try not to worry. ;)

There really is nothing to worry about. I love you, I love taking you, I love calling you slut, whore and property, I love fucking you and cuming in you.

I love all of those things too. :)

Sweet dreams My possession, it is time for this tired old man to sleep. Dream of Me and know I love you and you will be Mine very soon.

Good night my sweet Sir. I love you too. 💕

OMG

I was upset that he canceled.
Thinking of leaving... having second thoughts because he has no time for me.
Then, we talked.
And he claimed me, as he does with his words.
"Who do you belong to?"
And "Cum for me " OMG!
Those words... SMH...

He says, I make him very happy, that I'm a good girl, and he's proud of me.
He says I am wanted, loved, and needed, by him.
That's all it takes...
I am his. Sigh :)

Right Now!

There is a new Man in my life, some of you may have guessed. LOL
We haven't known each other very long. But I do know that he is a Man of good character, a Man of integrity. All who know Him (with whom I have spoken) have the utmost respect for Him.
And even though our time together has been short, still, He has quickly become very very special to me.
This Man has reached out and taken my hand and helped me to explore so many things that I have only ever dreamed about.
So many of my "firsts" belong to Him and they always will.
I am so very proud to be able to call him my Sir.
Sometimes, I, like everyone, fret over my future.
But I do accept that not I nor anyone knows what life has in store for us.
We only have Right Now!
Right now...
I am so very grateful to know Him and to have Him in my life.
(kisses and hugs to my sweet Sir)

I belong to him (happy sigh)

you My slut belong to Me. you are My property, all that you once considered part of you, is now Mine. you have surrendered to Me, mind and body. There is no doubt, for you or I, I Own you.

Sex and dinner

Yummy

You make my dreams come true

https://youtu.be/X_I4wtNPv5w

Kissing

He calls me his slut. (Happy Sigh)

When I call you "My SLUT"

When I call you my slut, I am calling you beautiful. I am calling you sexy. I am calling you mine. When I call you my slut, it is a term of endearment.
My slut is the one that awakens my passion that I hunger for and can not live without. My slut is the one I want, the one I need, the one that can satisfy me. My slut ignites the fire within me, that burns with desire. My slut spawns my lust, and brings out the animal in me, biting and clawing my way to ecstasy.
As my slut, you hold a piece of my heart, mind, and soul. My slut is the one I hold most dearest to me.

It's so amazing

Being his.

Hello my name is Julie and I'm a cryer...

Needing Wanting

Since you know how... Can you teach me how to not fall i in love

OMG

Playing last night, in public. :)
OMG!
Naked, restrained, and being beaten in front of everyone. All my friends.
Then cuddling with my Sir. Amazing.
Then he left, pouts.

Then, I lost my keys. LOL

To Mike

Swirling and whirling out of control.
I know on my heart this will take its toll.
In fear at first, one step at a time
Then I jumped right in, but don't worry, I'm fine
What's done is done it's too late now
I'd save myself if I just knew how
You're deep in my heart, and there to stay.
Be we lovers or friends and come what may

To Mike, why I feel unwanted...

It's because, I know, I'm not what you want. It's OK. I still want to play and learn with you, very much so. But I know, you'd rather have (your true desire) is a younger baby girl type. I'm a fun distraction, but that's it. I really like you. You have all of the qualities I love. But, I know, I  fall very short of the qualities that you want... And so I have to keep looking for the right one for me. Maybe I'll never find him, who knows.

His reply:

You shouldn't doubt your worth. We are together now. What the future holds only time can tell. Please don't think I hold you in less regard. Yes I am not giving you my whole heart. I won't be giving that to anyone, I am just not ready.

I'm afraid

He says he's going to fuck me there.
In front of everyone.
I'm not scared. That's the wrong word.
I'm nervous.
I want it. It's another fantasy that he will make come true. Maybe.

My Collar

I feel it now.
The weight of it.
It's warm now against my skin.
Snug but not tight.
Bought for a purpose.
For play.
Purchased for me in particular.
My size.
Smiling as we paid.
So funny.
My first time.
They had no idea.
Or perhaps they did. lol
He took it home with him.
He made me dinner.
He placed the collar on my neck.
Then he says...
When I put this collar on you, you are mine. I said yes Sir.
He fastened it. And attached the leash.
I lost it.
I grabbed him and burst into tears.
I recovered.
I said, I'm OK.
He said. Seriously...
I want to know what just happened.
I said... It's just... That I want this so much.
He said... I'm concerned that you're falling in love with me. If you are I'm stopping this now.
You need to be able to separate playing from being in love, can you do that.
Yes Sir, I said.
OK then.
You have too many clothes on.
Clean up the table, put the food away.
I'm going to go and get things ready I'm going to take you in the bedroom and fuck you before we go to the party.
(I melted)
The way he talked. Like he owned me.
So fucking hot.
Yes Sir

He came back out and led me to his room.
He fucked me. He came in me.
It was fucking awesome.

Then. We went to the party.
It was wonderful.

So many feels today

Happy, laughing, bemused.
Thinking about all the things that have happened lately
Leaving Grizz
Meeting Mike.
sigh
I needed him today. I needed to hear his voice. It calmed me.
For some reason I start to think I've done something wrong, or he's lost interest in me like Grizz did.
But, after talking with him. I know, that's not the case.

He's tired. LOL. Which is my fault. I didn't leave his house until 1 am. We played, but not hard. He didn't want to put me in subspace. Not when I had to drive home.
I love every minute of playing with him.
Every strike, every second that we're together.
I it's wonderful.
I didn't know it would be like this.
I had no idea than pain could cause so much pleasure.
This is where my adventure has led me.
From Michael, to Grizz and now Mike.
I'm very grateful to him for taking me under his v wing, so to speak.
He's certainly helping me to move on.
I didn't message Grizz all day today.
Maybe yesterday either.
I do think of him periodically. But I'm trying not to. Because it's just pain. With no purpose anymore.
Grizz is my past.
Mike is my now.
Unknown is my future.

His Slut - mmm yes

He said... This is what I am to him.
I'm definitely twitter painted.
My emotions are running very high.
He's trying to keep me at arms length.
Not very successfully.

When I call you "My SLUT"

When I call you my slut, I am calling you beautiful. I am calling you sexy. I am calling you mine. When I call you my slut, it is a term of endearment.
My slut is the one that awakens my passion that I hunger for and can not live without. My slut is the one I want, the one I need, the one that can satisfy me. My slut ignites the fire within me, that burns with desire. My slut spawns my lust, and brings out the animal in me, biting and clawing my way to ecstasy.
As my slut, you hold a piece of my heart, mind, and soul. My slut is the one I hold most dearest to me.

I've always been a slut

For as long as I can remember.

My fantasy

I don't know what it's called... But there is a bench you sit on it, you are restrained, with your legs spread.

I want to be tied to it. Beaten with a crop and fucked with a toy until I gush many times, like 10 times into a bucket.

Just saying... LOL

I met someone

His name is Mike...

We played at a play party.
It was awesome.

Nothing Matters

I'm beginning to not care about any thing at all.

First Play Date

It was OK. I was so very nervous.
Not afraid, just nervous.
I did like being restrained. Spanked.
I loved loved loved when he grabbed me by my hair.
I think though, he didn't push me far enough. Which he did say would happen because we're just learning about each other.

I did gush a few times, but I didn't have a clitoral orgasm. Like I said...

I was very nervous. I can't orgasm when I'm nervous.

I don't know

We met in January, by March he had all but lost interest in me. He preferred to play in whistle stop with her instead of me.
He wrote romantic things to others, but not to me.
Why did I stay?
Why do I still want him.
I don't know.

I remember

I remember
The feeling that first night, so warm, feeling like as if you were really there with me holding me close and keeping me safe.

I remember...
The first time you sang to me "You Belong To Me" it was so beautiful I felt like I really did belong.

I remember...
The first time you said those three little words "cum for me". So fucking hot.

I remember...
Trying to choose between you and meeting someone in person.

I remember...
You said "I'm safer"

I remember...
The rush I would get when I would read the words "you're mine".

I remember...
Thinking that you sounded just like Dr Phil. :) such a sexy Texas accent.

I remember...
Being amazed that phone sex with you could be so fucking hot. Almost better than live. You were so very good at it. Such an imagination.

I remember...

My neighbors complaining. lol

I remember...
You said " I'm starting to have very strong feelings for you.

I remember...
How happy and proud I was to be listed as your property on your profile

I remember...
I am "in love" with you.

I remember...
Giving you control. giving you my passwords.

I remember...
Taking them back because you betrayed me. you gave me your word. then you broke it.

I remember...
Forgiving you, but it was never the same, I never really trusted you after that.

I remember...
Leaving my husband.

I remember...
I remember...
Getting beaten and my nose broken because I refused to move back home and stop talking to you.How you listened while I cried.

I remember...
Catching you in lie after lie after lie.

I remember...
Leaving Fet so that I could remain yours and not have to see and be be hurt by what you were doing. Because, I loved you and just couldn't bring myself to give you up.

I remember...

Suffering

Endless suffering

Consequences

I meant everything I said yesterday. You are a predator on Fet and I cannot in good conscience allow you to hurt any more women. I won't allow it.

You will tell this new baby girl what you've done, how you lied and how you neglected me to find a new shiny toy. And you will release her, whether she wants to be or not, so that she will have a chance to find a real Dom. You will copy the conversation you have and send it to me. If I get even an inkling that you're trying to pull a fast one I WILL out you without one second's hesitation.
It's not because I don't love you. It's because I do. You must have consequences for your actions. For your own good.

And you must be stopped from hurting any more women and I am the only one who can stop you.

Once you have released her, you will then delete both your Fet accounts and any others that you haven't yet confessed to. I will be having a friend of mine check and he already has your IP address so, if I were you I'd be very very careful not to create a new account. If you do, I will find it, and there will be no more warnings. I have already printed a letter and pictures and I WILL mail them to your wife's library branch the very second that you betray me again.

Don't fuck with me Bill. I'm much more cunning and vicious than you can even possibly imagine.

I also know Andrea's real name and some of her friends names... Sooo... If you care for her... Don't fucking even think for one second of trying to pull anything over on me!

I'm the only one

Bill must be stopped. I'm the only one who can stop him.

I have no purpose.

Lost and losing

Feelings of great loss.
Happiness doesn't exist.
Disconnected.
Not able to connect with others.
Alone.
Out of it.
Is it this flu?
I don't know.
I feel like I am a fake person.
Fake emotions.
Fake smiles.
Sadness.
:(

I guess...

It's morning. I guess it's time to get up. I'm still sick. But not as bad.

So many thoughts racing around my head.

Wishing I hadn't hurt Agent K.

Wishing I hadn't hurt Grizz.

Feeling pretty low about myself.

Sometimes

Sometimes it feels like I'm not a real person. it feels like I'm sitting back and watching all these things happen to someone else. it's disconcerting. I feel disconnected from everything and everyone. like I'm just a spectator.

It's scary. because how do I make a decision about something that's important in my life when it feels like its not my life when I'm watching somebody else's life when everything that happens is happening to someone else its weird I I don't know how to explain it. It's very upsetting still everything that happened still makes me just as upset but it's all surreal I don't know I don't know how to shake this feeling like I can't think properly I can't see properly I can't understand anything I feel weird strange unwell.

Things I want to remember

There are a lot of things I want to remember. that way maybe I can stop from making the same mistakes over and over and over.

One thing I want to remember is how when I was telling a story he would interrupt me and tell me I don't need to tell him that. so obviously he was not interested in anything I had to say not really.

He really wanted me to do the juicing cuz you said that you know he wanted it for my house and I do believe that that he wanted it for my health but I also think that he kind of lied to me because he said that he did juicing but he didn't and he wanted me to do it but he didn't even do it himself. and the water fasting I mean it sounds almost like he wasn't saying and maybe he did kind of lose his mind and he's trying to get back on his feet and absolutely I I can understand doing that. but I also know that I can't help him with that I have enough of my own shit that I'm trying to get through.

I know I should never have invited him here it was a big mistake I don't know what was going on in my head I I had I forgot you know I made the decision when I had the first date that he wasn't the one and then for some reason between then and an inviting him here I started to think maybe he was the one. I don't know I'm just so confused about the whole thing I don't know what was going on in my head I don't know why I did what I did I can't figure it out I'm feeling so lost. I just got back from driving all the way to London and back. he did pay for the gas and he left this juicer but he could have taken it with him. I don't know what's going on with him I don't know really understand. I hope he's okay. I really hope that meeting me did not do more damage to him. if only I had listened to Grizz.
If only I wasn't so bullheaded and stubborn sometimes.

I want to remember how he didn't like when Molly parked it was very very irritated by it. He didn't like when Molly would climb all over me like she does and I like when she does that because it means she wants to be with me and I like that feeling and he would tell me to put her down and I didn't like that he would tell me to put her down. guidance as he found him she found them to be very controlling. now controlling is going to be something that my Dom will be because that's part of it but I don't know if his way of controlling was bad and gums way is good or am I just confused maybe I don't fucking know anything maybe I'm just a basketcase myself. and he would say things like oh you're the dog is retarded the dogs neurotic little old but it's a sweet little dog or just sweet little dog I don't know I can't understand whether he was trying to be nice and just was saying things you didn't really mean but then he kept saying one thing and then sing another and changing his mind back and forth and he was undecisive and owe me and he was driving me crazy with it I'd like okay do you want this or not do you want this or not you have to say yes or no you can't be indecisive it was something like a sandwich.

I fucked up

Ugh!

I wrote a whole blog, and then accidentally deleted it.

I went behind Grizz's back.
I'm very ashamed.
I don't want to be that person.
I don't know why I did it.

Agent K is here. Has been for a week. He lives in Toronto so it's far.
I invited him.

I just told Grizz today.
I just couldn't deal with keeping a secret from him like that. It was tearing me to pieces.

I wish I didn't do it.

I just realized or maybe just admitted to myself...
I find it hard to tell Grizz that my needs aren't being met.

Easter Sunday

So, it's Sunday, Grizz is in church as always, unless he is working.
I am here, home, alone, bored I guess.
Lots of things I could be doing, housework etc.... but I don't want to.
I want to talk to someone. I want to have a relationship.
I want a Dom, here.
I try not to be impatient. But it's hard.

Remembering the good times.....

A Little Tease

Erotica | 5 Comments · 8 Love It | about 1 year ago

Would you trust me to lay you on your bed and secure your wrists with velvet covered restraints, stretched out, making your breasts oh so accessible? And...what if your ankles were shackled to a spreader bar, gently of course, not wanting to damage the tender skin. Your thighs so open and inviting.

Have I forgotten anything? Oh yes, ..pulling something out of my trusty bag of goodies, a black silk blindfold. Can't have you peeking can we now? Hmm? Your eyes are covered and all is dark for you. Now the fun begins....

My dear sub, do you know what this is? Your feel cool leather brushing lightly upward over your tummy, across your solar plexus, and between your breasts. Have you guessed? Surely you didn't peek, I say smiling. ...I gently flick each nipple with the leather strips bringing them to attention.

I hear the breath catch in your throat and you whisper something. What did you say dear sub? I bend down close to your ear, with my hot breath permeating, and you shiver. This is....I flick one nipple a bit harder. ...a flogger . .I swat the other nipple. They are so receptive to my attentions Rose.

I glance down at your thighs. ...betwixt and between. There before my eyes is your naked flesh, the lips glistening with the sheen of your arousal. ..you are mine Rose

I reach into the bag again, you hearing the rustling but not seeing anything, the sound of steel on steel. The feel of cold steel being placed over a nipple, then being tightened down. I watch your face until I see you wince, then stop. The other falls prey to the cold metal, and the clamp.
The chain is looped between the two and tightened it to make sure it is secure. I lean over you to kiss your lips, tugging on the chain rhythmically the whole time,tugging left. then right, upward and downward, over and over. Such lovely ladies you have. ..

Kissing and licking down your neck, nipping your shoulders, moving down your arm, teeth tugging your skin, and pulling the muscle on your upper arm. Then gentle kisses and licking to the crook of your arm. Such a delectable morsel you are for a grizzly.

Some would be turned on by now, I tell you pretending not to notice your arousal and squirming. My kisses reach your wrist,and I pay close attention to it, kissing and nibbling the the inner wrist. My tongue licking the lifeline of your palm,and my teeth tug at the skin between finger and thumb.

Asleep I ask taking your index finger in my teeth letting it scrape between them. I give your nipples alternating firm tugs
You...tug...belong. ..tug....to. ...tug....Me. ..twisting the chain bringing the nipples inward and up. ..

What you will experience at my hands is an outward sign of how much your heart. ..all of you belongs to me. You feel the handle of the flogger tracing the nipples in a tight figure eight, then pressing on each nipple with the blunt end, not cruelly but firmly.

You need to feel owned don't you my love? My fingertips brush over your lips and caress your cheek, my lips follow where the fingers traced. The tip of the handle is placed at your throat, and I drag it downwards over your collarbone, between your breasts, over your tummy, coming to rest on your mound.

Yes, Rose you are mine. ..gently twisting the shaft with a downward pressure , then dragging it between your lips to your opening. Pressing it against your entrance, slipping it in slightly. ...bringing it away glistening. So good for the leather, I say bringing it to my lips, then bringing the full shaft down to drag it across your erect clit.

Nothing like well worn leather passing over your sweet spot is there Rose? Hmm?

An open note to Rose

Note | 2 Comments · 1 Loves It | about 1 year ago

My dear Rose,

As Mr. Shy has been shy in blocking me, because I denied him the privilege of meeting you in person, but feeling free to contact you, by ignoring your profile requests, by failing to follow proper protocol, and by questioning the authenticity our relationship, I feel no remorse in addressing my response to him publicly. It is the only recourse:

Mr. Shy,

My Rose is exactly that..mine. She made that decision and made that decision clear. She understands it, I understand it, and you understand it. What was is unclear Sir? However, for your sake I will further clarify.

Online relationships are fantasy? Surely you say that in fun. Is there no exchange of friendship and emotion? Let me answer that for you. There is. There is emotion, and intensity. What there is lacking in physical contact can be made up for in those exchanges that are had.

Just to summarize.......she is mine.

It's Not Me It's you

For a long time now I have thought that I have issues. That I am just a jealous irrational person.
But today, I changed my mind.
I know I have acted jealous with Grizz... but... he earned every bit of distrust I have of him by blatantly lying to me, breaking his word to me, just so that he could cum with someone else, when I wasn't available. Yup, not a very good reason if you ask me. Not a good reason to betray the trust of someone who has given you their very soul.
Now I have forgiven him but I will never ever forget, and I will never ever let anyone hurt me that way ever again, no one will ever get that close, not even him!!!! I know he felt bad at the time, although I think sometimes he feels he was justified. Anyway.... Thats not what I wanted to write about.

This is how I see it...
If I am in a relationship with Grizz and not his slave... I have every god damn right to be part of the decision of him friending more women on Fet, of him adding people to his profile, of him taking time away from us to spend it with these other women, I have that right as a human being in a relationship with another human being. He says, he is not a Master, therefore I am NOT a slave, I am his submissive. That doesn't mean he can just fuck whoever he wants to fuck and that it's not any of my fucking business.... that would mean I was his slave. I am not his fucking harem girl!!!!!!  I have the right to be involved in decisions that affect me, and him being with other women, affects me greatly!!!!

Not that he does. I mean, I don't think he does. But, he could be. I mean he certainly has very little time for me. He says work and his wife. Maybe so. There is no way for me to ever know for sure so I can only act on blind faith.

I know he loves me. Else he could just go find another submissive to have sex with. With less drama.

Drama!!!
Standing up for myself, expressing my needs is NOT drama!
But freaking out over a harmless post is.

Jealousy is fear... hmm I guess.
Jealousy is unbridled anger.
Seeing red.
Murderous.
Jealousy can destroy lives.
But too, you should not give your SO reason to be jealous.
Seriously though I am such a hypocrite. How dare I have jealous feelings over Grizz when he is a married man cheating on his wife.... with me! Double standard for sure.
One thing I know for sure.
Never ever ever again will I ever get in involved with a married man, a man who wants more than just me, or one who lives far away. This relationship has definitely taught me what I don't want in my next one.
Sometimes though, I think, I should just stay alone. I will poison every relationship I have because of being jealous.
You know why.... because he reprimanded me, for being jealous, and I fucking believed him, I believed it was all me and they were just friends, and I took my punishment.... and HE WAS FUCKING LYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE WAS FUCKING HER THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME!!!!!!!!!! AND THEY ARE STILL FRIENDS ON FET!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ugh! Sometimes I think I must be the stupidest most pathetic woman that ever lived!!!!!!!!!!
So now, I don't trust myself to know when someone is lying to me.
I don't trust anyone else either.
And I am not sure I ever will.

You see, being with him, even though I am petrified that he lies and that he will hurt me again, even that, is better than being without him. Why though, why is he so very important to me.

Because I fucking love him... that's why... because I am fucking in love with him. Ugh!

Torture.
I am tortured in my soul.


I tried to leave him, to ask to be released, to be free to have sex with others and to date and do whatever I wanted.
But after only a short while (like a hour lol). I panicked, I love so many things about being with him. He has been my rock and stood beside me holding my hand all this time. I haven't always made it easy. I know there have been times that he wanted to quit me, and he even said that once, told me I needed to find a new Dom. I don't remember why, something I did or said most likely. So I swallowed my pride, I said sorry, I begged for forgiveness and for him not to leave me. UGH! What a pathetic stupid idiot I am. Why do I chase after this man!!!! Ugh!!!!

Anyway.

I don't like to face the thought of being totally alone. Right now, he is with me a lot, many times he is just a text away. And if I am upset he finds a way to talk to me and calm me down.
He takes care of my physical needs as best he can. (Although, I am frustrated a lot these days, I only get to be with him maybe once a week.) His time is taken up with many other things and many other people. I don't think asking for more than 5 minutes in the morning and 5 minutes  at night is too much to ask.

We can't play together on Fet because I don't trust him one iota!!!!!! And it makes me insane to see him with other women, because I know if he has the opportunity he will fuck them. And honestly, who can blame me. He is a player, Unfortunately. And he tells women he loves them, wants them, but it doesn't really mean anything because he says that to all women... He loves and wants all women..... flirting he calls it... mmmhmmm flirting, what the fuck ever!!!! .  But I still love him. And I don't even know really why I care. Why do I care if he is fucking other women or not, so long as he is taking care of my needs what does it matter....
I guess.... right now.... he really isn't taking care of my needs.
He knows I have a very high sex drive, yet, he feels once a week is enough... and if I complain... I know he will just say he is doing his best and if that isn't enough maybe I need to find another Dom. That is so unfair, so so unfair. Ugh!!!!!
I dunno.

I messaged him that I need his voice.... his voice always calms these demons in my brain.  Stops all these crazy thoughts. At least  for the most part.

He's busy I know, and I have to wait. As usual. Wait. Wait behind his wife, wait behind his sons, wait behind his other women on Fet and his other friends... yup... maybe around oh 10:55 he'll say call me, you know, so we can talk for 5 minutes before I go to bed.

I know I know, that's not really fair. That doesn't happen all the time. Last night was wonderful, we talked for a long time, we seemed to reconnect. It was definitely what I needed. But once a month, only getting to spend a large quantity of time with him like that once a month or so is so very frustrating. I love being able to talk for a long time and let our conversation drift to whatever topic, to laugh with him and share his life and for me to share mine.

I guess what all this bitching is really saying is....
I miss him.