Quality Time

Today I got to Video chat with Bill.
I was a little nervous, but he put me at ease. He sang me some songs, and we chatted. He had to look for a pick for his guitar, when he had his back to me, i could see his strong shoulders through his T-shirt, very sexy, i imagined running my hands over his shoulders... mmm ...I love him so much.

He had me play with my nipples until I came. It was hot. Him telling me what to do, and knowing he could see me doing what he said. *small gasp at the memory*
Then I came many times while he watched me fuck myself with the dildo, gushing each time. I did have a folded towel under me, but, I should know by now, that's never enough. lol. Soaked through onto my bed, again. lol SMH.
When I heard him climax, I came really hard and gushed a lot.

I feel my temperature rise when I think about it. My breathing gets heavier and my pussy muscles clench. I am a little embarrassed about my brazenness, when I think about what I did while he watched.

Our time today was very special.

I am lost

I look down at my hands, knuckles swollen from the arthritis, and I am reminded that Marc loved me anyway, even with all my imperfections. Makes me cry. The way I treated him, selfishness.
I remember how he gave up Raine for me. He loved her. But I refused to do the same for him. That destroyed him, broke him, my fault, sometimes I think I am an evil person and that I do not deserve any happiness, that I do not even deserve to live.
I think, I just want to say I am so very sorry. I wish I could take it all back, I wish I had never met Michael and fell into this trap. I was so very lonely, so sad, it's just not fair.
I thought I would be so much happier away from him, but I am not, I am still terribly lonely, and I will most likely never have another husband, another life partner.
I have simply traded one hell for another.

crying, sad, trying to find any little reason to feel happy, to have a happy thought.
Aleah hates me. Perhaps I am just an evil person. Perhaps I deserve all the hurt I get.

i am lost

It's all good

After I spend time with Bill, I'm whole again. Settled.
What is it about him, I wonder?
What does he do that just gives me that sense of peace, of calm.
*happy contented sigh* lol
Is it because I love him.
Is it because he makes me cum, is it all just a release of sexual tension.
What is it?
Is it because he's my Dom?
I don't know.
But I do know.
I'm not giving him up.

Sometimes

Sometimes it all comes back.
It stings!
The lying.
The betrayal.
He didn't come clean on his own.
He got caught.
Although, he was pretty stupid about it, seems like he wanted to get caught.
Does he really believe he did something wrong, I don't know.
He lies to his wife, and he has lied to me too. 
Can a leopard change their spots.
Sometimes I believe him 100%.
Then other times doubt creeps in.
People make mistakes, lord knows I'm no saint either.
If he hurts me and betrays me again.
It will not end well for either of us.
I won't be made a fool of again.
I hope that I have not, am not, making a huge mistake. Today, I am full of doubt.
But I don't always feel this way.
Just sometimes, when the pain of it resurfaces, when I remember how he played me for a fool.
Not just once but 3 times. Sigh.
Am I just stupid.
Lies, half truths, lies by omission.
It's all the same.

I just love him so much, and I would be so lost without him. Love is weakness.
Sigh.

I can't talk to him about this. About when these feelings come back. I don't want to keep throwing his mistakes in his face, I know he wouldn't do that to me. So I write it here. He may read it, I know, but like he says, feelings are only temporary. I'm hoping writing it out will make it go away.

Emotional

Feeling very emotional today.
Not sure why.
Tears come easy and of their own accord.
Bill said he doesn't think I am getting enough affirmation from him.
Perhaps that's true.
I do think about the fact that he had stopped telling me how amazing and beautiful I was. :(
Am I that shallow. That I need constant compliments. Ugh!

Sigh, why does he even want me.
I don't know.
:(

To me from Grizz

Why do you fear, when your presence is in my mind and heart continually?
I want my love to engulf you, drown you, claim you to your core.
Come to me! Stay with me! Bury your head in my chest, and let your tears cascade downward.

Let my hands comfort you as my fingers comb through your hair, and my palms rest on your cheeks. Let my lips meet yours, and let me taste them.

Give yourself to me fully, as you have. Keep nothing from me, not your love, or affection....nothing. I want you, all of you.

You are mine, and mine only.

Julie, I love you.

Today

I haven't written in a while.
I wanted to make a note.
Grizz is talking about deactivating his Fet profile, for a while.
He asked if it would bother me.
I said, I don't want you to ask my opinion.
It would be a dream come true.
But he needs to do it because he wants to, it must not be me forcing him.
He says, there's a lot of temptation on there and he wants to back away from that. Brought tears to my eyes. It means he truly values me.
He says, he's not looking, he says he has what he needs. Meaning me.
I love him so much.
So much.

Stupid

Sometimes I am so stupid.
I only hope my stupidity does not make me lose Grizz.

Rested

I have been to the pool, eaten some food, and rested most of the day.
I am feeling better.
Although feeling very disconnected from Grizz.
I have had some contact with him but not much.
I know he'll be back soon, I miss him.
He says he misses me too.
He says he is thinking of me.

It's been a strange day.
A day of remembering my life with Marc.
Remembering the good times, when we would sing together, and laugh, it's sad that it's all been lost.
My fault. I destroyed our lives. I lied. I cheated. I ruined my life.
Now I am alone, no one to care for me when I am sick.
How will I survive. I don't know.

My counselor says that it usually takes about a year, a year of hard work on the part of an abuser, to be truly able to start to be trusted again. She said, that is only after they come to terms with the fact that it was their choices and actions that led them to where they are. So that means he needs to take responsibility for his own actions.

I do wonder if I will ever see him again. I suppose I will at some point, Even if by accident. It's a small world. They are saying that he will probably serve 6 to 8 months in jail. I wonder if he will just blame me for that, or if he will accept that it was his actions that landed him there. I wanted to remain friends, and I could even see a day when we might be able to get back together. But that seems impossible now.

Lost

I am feeling lost.
I am missing Marc.
I am missing Bill.

I am feeling lonely.

How did I end up here all alone.

:(

I am feeling so ugly, I feel like no man would want me.
That is what Marc said to me.

Why does Grizz even want me, I don't know.

I have nothing to offer anyone.

Why
Why did I leave my husband.
If I could I would get up and go back right now.
It's good that I can't.
Maybe I just hate being alone.
I miss his hugs and his back rubs, although he had stopped doing that as much.
I have no purpose. No reason.
I have nothing.
I have no one.
I am alone in this world. We all are.
Grizz says I can't make him happy.
I know what he means. But, it's not true. His wife makes him happy.
People can make other people happy or miserable.

I feel very nauseous.

Very irritated

I am very irritated.
Just spoke with G on the phone, or rather didn't really.
He was a million miles away, honestly I don't know why he even bothered to call.
Why pretend to be missing me, why pretend to want to talk with me.
I just don't get it.

I don't understand why he wanted to call me, I really don't.

UHG!

Away

G is on a trip. With his brother(s). He's far from home, but still far from me. And there will be little to no contact with him for the next few days. Tonight I will have to go to sleep without speaking to him on the phone. It's difficult to be without him. But I really want him to be able to relax and not worry about me.

I miss him already. ;)

But I know it won't be forever. Just a few days.
While he's gone I'm going to do everything I can to be a good girl. Everything I know that he wants me to be doing, I am hoping that doing that will enable me to feel close to him even while he's away.
I will also do my best not to message him, unless he messages me first.

As we travel together on this journey, I'm learning many things. Especially what I want and need as far as a D/s relationship. If, and that's a huge if... If I ever go looking for a real time Dom, who is near me...
Things I know I want

Monogamy
At least for the first year. I want someone who's focus will be on me/us, our relationship only. Others create distraction. I think it's of utmost importance for a new Dom/sub relationship that both Dom and sub focus on each other.

An Older Man
He must be older than me. G is 15 years older, and that seems pretty good. At least 10 yes older, or someone who acts /looks likes that.

Experience
He must know about the BDSM lifestyle. He must fully understand and appreciate subspace and sub-drop and their affects on a submissive. He must take aftercare very seriously and know how to bring me back down safely and gently. He must have complete respect for hard limits and safe words.

24/7
He must want a sub/slave 24/7, even if we didn't live together, he must be willing and able to take control of my whole life, not just in the bedroom.

He must be a gentleman.

These are some of the qualities I've learned that I prefer. G does have some of them.

He is not and will never be monogamous. He is polygynous. That means he prefers to have many women who are all monogamous to him. 

I didn't really know this before I fell in love with him. I really didn't know anything. I just jumped in with both feet without testing the water, without seeing if there were any sharks. And I got bitten.

It does still bother me sometimes, a tiny sting, in that I feel like he did not give me the devotion that I gave him when we first met. But, I can't see myself without him now.
And things have changed a lot since then.
I believe that he is in love with me and I know that I'm in love with him. We have something special, something really good and I don't want to lose it.
When I'm with him I'm complete.
He can never give me monogamy though. Because he's married to someone else, and he loves her, and she will always come first. Which is as it should be. I do fantasize sometimes that he's not married - in a different place and time - a different reality - we would meet, he would collar me, and I would be his only one. We would live together, happy, in love, and having lots of great sex. It is just a fantasy. The reality might not be as romantic as my imagination makes it out to be.
I do like our relationship. I do think it can be even better.
I have to be able to trust him that he will never ever lie to me again.
I know there is no guarantee. But I wish with all my heart and I hope against reason, that he never will. I hope that he will never again betray me, or break his word.
It's hard to trust again once you've been hurt. I do believe though, that if I can truly let my guard down with him, like when I first met him, that our relationship would be even more amazing for us both.
I am getting there, little by little.
I trust him more each day.

Not a god

You know, you are just going to have to accept that I adore you. lol. That's what I'm supposed to do. That's when I'm happiest. As your submissive, I need to serve you. My purpose as your submissive is to please you. 💋💜. Don't worry, I don't view you as a god. Or even a saint. But you are my Sir. Which does come with a certain amount of power and control over me. Sometimes I am not feeling submissive, and I do forget my place and that's not good that's when insecurity comes in and I need a reminder that you're not my boyfriend, or merely my lover. I belong to you. You own me. My Dom. Sometimes I even prefer to view you as my Master. That is what I dream about. Being collared. Having a Master. Sitting naked at your feet with your hand holding my collar. I would be truly content.

I am a submissive

I identify as a submissive woman.
I'm happiest when I know that I'm his.
When he reprimands me, when I know that I will, and want to obey him. When he gives me the opportunity to serve him.
I enjoy calling him Sir. It helps to remind me that he is not just my lover. He's not just some man that I have cyber sex with. He is my Master. My sir. That's what I want. That's what I choose.
I long to be more submissive to him. I don't really know how. But it is what I long for.
Perhaps if there is some way I can be more accountable for my actions. Maybe have him give me something some kind of task that I can show him that I've completed.
We used to have that. On Thursdays, I was to clean my kitchen spotless and send him a picture of it. I sometimes didn't want to, but, I would do it because I wanted to obey him. It was a good way to be able to experience submitting to him.
Perhaps something like that.
Or writing. The thing is, he has told me to keep this journal, but he doesn't make sure that I do.
And he does keep me on track as far as going to the pool and eating and going to counseling. Am I, would I be asking too much of him for him to increase his control of me. It's what I want. It's what I need.

A Reminder about Submission

Even though you might have the best intentions for your Master or
Mistress, chances are good that you're human too.  We all have
'off' days and days when we just don't think we can focus as well
as we probably should.  But when you're in a BDSM relationship,
chances are also good that you will need to get into the submissive
space, even when you don't feel like it.  And you want to impress
your Dominant, don't you?  Here's how to always be in the
submissive mood.


*********************************************

You're Not Always Going to be in the Mood

*********************************************


First of all, start off by realizing that you're not perfect - and
that's okay.  It's okay to not always be 'on' and it's okay to have
troubles focusing at times.  There's nothing wrong with this and
thinking there is something wrong can make you even more likely to
lose focus.  Instead, you want to focus on trying your best to get
into the mood.  This effort is going to show your Master or
Mistress that you truly care about pleasing them, even when you're
not feeling it.


**************************

Remembering Your Place

**************************


You can begin to get more into the mood of your submissive role by
taking a few minutes each day to remind yourself of your place in
your relationship and how this helps your Master or Mistress.  Take
a few minutes just to write down what you are expected to do and
why you choose to do it.  This will help to imprint these ideas
into your mind, while also helping you to create a continuous
reminder system that prevents you from getting out of the mood most
days.


************************************

Focusing on Your Master/Mistress

************************************


Why do you care about your Master or Mistress?  When you are
feeling a little less sub-y than you should, take a few minutes to
think about all the things your Dominant provides for you -
structure, discipline, love, etc.  As you look over this list, how
do these things make you feel?  Do you feel appreciative of your
Dominant?  Of course, you do.  Keeping these gifts from your Master
or Mistress in mind will help you to continue to focus on them and
what they need from you in order to know you care.


Each day, you might want to ask yourself what your Master or
Mistress needs.  Even if you don't have a clear answer some days,
turning your focus back on the one you serve will help you to
forget about how tired you are or how much you simply want to just
watch TV.


****************************************************

Use a Journal to Let Go of the Rest of Your Life

****************************************************


When you're feeling out of focus, it may also be just a case of
having too much going on in your brain.  You might have children to
worry about, school, or other preoccupying thoughts.  As a result,
it's no wonder you can't keep your mind on your Master or Mistress.
 To make things easier, get a journal and write down all of the
things you are worrying about, all of the things that might be
hindering your ability to serve your Master or Mistress.  Release
these ideas into the journal and let them go from your mind.  With
practice, you will be able to clear your mind and make sure it's in
the mood when you need it to be.


Even when you're not completely perfect in your submission, your
Master or Mistress will see when you are trying hard anyways.  This
often means more than even the most perfect slave acts.  It shows
you are trying to think of them before you - and that's true
submission.

Coffee Night

So I didn't want to go to coffee tonight.
But I had mentioned to G, how much I really want to go and want to make these people my friends. So, of course, when I asked to be able to stay home he said no. LOL. I knew that when I mentioned it he would not accept any excuses. LOL. I love him so much.

So I went, saw people that I know, well, that I have met before. It was very good. Great conversations and laughter and heart to heart with another submissive. Really great. I am so glad I went.
I don't know why I always back out. SMH. I love being there. I don't like the drive so much.

At least the Halloween party will be here in town. I still can't decide what I will go as. I do want to dress up. I will have to think about it a lot more. hmmmm

I always feel so welcome at coffee. I am very quiet when I first get there but pretty soon I am engaged in lively conversation with someone. They are all very nice people, at least those that I have met are very nice.

I talked about G a little bit. I know some probably don't really understand how I can maintain a relationship with a Dom who lives 2700km away. mmmm but I love him. That's how I can. I just can't imagine not being able to message him or talk to him... it would be awful.

There is a play party coming up and M. Les mentioned that he is going, on his own, and so won't be playing, I said yes, I won't be playing either, because I am not allowed to play. Another gentleman and his wife asked me why, I said because my Dom lives 2700km away. LOL

It has been a lovely day today. 

G said we will talk on the phone before bed. That's always wonderful, helps me sleep. *happy sigh* 

Dear G Email

Several days ago I was writing this email to G, it was after a very heated conversation in which he was very angry at me for expressing jealous feelings. I ended up not sending it, but rather reading it to him. He then apologized for being too harsh with me and I felt much much better and was able to overcome my feelings of jealousy.  I want to keep it, because it is part of my journey.

Dear G

I want to be yours more than anything else.

I told you, I have huge huge trust issues.

Every man in my life has hurt me, has betrayed me.

I am trying very hard to deal with it.

Yes, jealousy appeared again. 

Yes, I have emotions. 

I was doing my best to remain calm even though I was screaming inside.

I can no more decide to be jealous than I can decide not to be. 

But I can try to deal with it.

But I need to be able to tell you how I am feeling without you going ballistic on my head.

Your vehement denial and anger towards me makes you look guilty of doing something wrong.

I am not accusing you of anything. I am just saying - objectively. 

I need your support to help me deal with these feelings, not for you to threaten to leave me because I have them. 

Can you understand?

Beautiful Day

Such a lovely day.
Thanksgiving dinner with my family.
Then watching The Walking Dead.
Then The Talking Dead
LOL
With my daughter and her friends.
It was a lot of fun!

Then I came home to a wonderful conversation with my beloved Sir.
I asked him about orgasm control conditioning. He said we can explore that, gave me butterflies in my tummy. lol.
We talked for an hour. It was amazing just to hear his voice and to know that I'm his, that we are together. *happy sigh*

I told him how much I really want to be with him in real time. Physically. He says we will. I told him that it scares me. It scares me because of the possibility of sub drop after he leaves.
I asked him if he thinks it will be hard on him too (to come and then have to leave) he said yes, and he said it in such an honest earnest way that made me believe him. For some reason,  I'm not sure why, it made me feel better. It boosted my confidence in his feelings for me. I am starting to really believe that he is in fact truly in love with me. That I'm not just another one of the many women that he loves.

A Goodnight chat.

Just spent time chatting with G. It was wonderful. And believe it or not sex didn't even come up. lol. I know I know, it's hard to believe. lol

We talked about religion and different things related to that.
We talked about why he's leaving Fet... OK OK... Not leaving... But spending less time there.
He says partly because he has things he wants to get done around his house and he says...
He doesn't feel like he's doing right by me. That warmed my heart so much. I mean, that he actually spent time considering our relationship, and considering how he wants it to be. *sigh* I just love him so very much.

Sweet Surrender is all I have to give you

"Sweet Surrender"

it doesn't mean much
it doesn't mean anything at all
the life I've left behind me
is a cold room
I've crossed the last line
from where I can't return
where every step I took in faith 
betrayed me
and led me from my home

and sweet
sweet surrender
is all that I have to give

you take me in
no questions asked
you strip away the ugliness
that surrounds me
are you an angel
am I already that gone
I only hope
that I won't disappoint you
when I'm down here
on my knees

and sweet 
sweet
sweet surrender
is all that I have to give

sweet
sweet
sweet surrender
is all that I have to give

and I don't understand
by the touch of your hand
I would be the one to fall

I miss the little things
oh I miss everything

it doesn't mean much
it doesn't mean anything at all
the life I left behind me
is a cold room

You know I'm such a fool for you.

This song touches me... 
So many things relate to my current relationship and what we've been through. I am wrapped around his finger. I am in so deep. I just want to be with him. 


Linger


If you, if you could return, don't let it burn, don't let it fade. 

I'm sure I'm not being rude, but it's just your attitude, 
It's tearing me apart, It's ruining everything. 

I swore, I swore I would be true, and honey, so did you. 
So why were you holding her hand? Is that the way we stand? 
Were you lying all the time? Was it just a game to you? 

But I'm in so deep. You know I'm such a fool for you. 
You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha. 
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to, 
Do you have to let it linger? 

Oh, I thought the world of you. 
I thought nothing could go wrong, 
But I was wrong. I was wrong. 
If you, if you could get by, trying not to lie, 
Things wouldn't be so confused and I wouldn't feel so used, 
But you always really knew, I just wanna be with you. 

But I'm in so deep. You know I'm such a fool for you. 
You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha. 
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to, 
Do you have to let it linger? 

And I'm in so deep. You know I'm such a fool for you. 
You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha. 
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to, 
Do you have to let it linger? 

You know I'm such a fool for you. 
You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha. 
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to, 
Do you have to let it linger?

My Sir

Is so fucking hot!
OMG

Two towels folded in half, so four layers, I soaked them and right through onto my mattress

It was very intense.
I cried.

Then he fucked me again.

OMG
My Sir is so fucking hot!

He said

You can let go with me and just fall
I will catch you
Made cry
I love him so very much.

All Relationships End

Either by the choice or by the death of one or both of the people involved. That is a fact.

I hate Fet

I have come to think I hate Fet.
It just makes me sad, upset, insecure.
I see how he has these other women, how he has sex with them the same as he has sex with me and it makes me feel less important. Just one of many.
I should just delete my account if I intend to stay with him because it just causes me pain.

Today was his birthday

Although, I'd stopped celebrating it anyway. He never appreciated it. Last year, My daughter made him a cake.

He would always forget my birthday, and on mother's day he would say "You're not MY mother"

He would never buy me anything for valentines day, or even cook me dinner or do anything special. Or even say happy valentines day.

He was selfish and self centered.
Never caring about anyone else's feelings.
It was torture most of the time.

Happy Fucking Birthday Asshole

I love you

I have told you many times today and it seems silly to keep sending you the same message over and over.

I just love you so much.
Your voice, your sense of humor, your blue eyes, which I hope to be able to gaze into again soon, your kindness and caring nature, your strength and your vulnerability. I love your love of sex, I love your phone talents, your imagination, your passion.

You are such an amazing man. You stand by me whenever I need you. I can't imagine my life without you now.
I don't know if you'll ever read this. But. If you do, please know that I do love you with all my heart and I am your devoted submissive.

My Bill, My Dom, My Sir.
I love you.

Sadness

I had a wonderful afternoon with G. We talked a long time about lots of different things, politics and what not. I love him so much. And it was beautiful being with him and I needed to be with him. But then, after, I'm feeling so emotional. I'm acutely aware of the fact that he is 2700 kilometers away. All I want is to be held in his arms. All I want is for him to hold me. Stroke my hair. Tell me everything's going to be okay. I'm acutely aware of how alone I am. And it hurts. Tears streaming down my face. Because I love him so very much. But I may never be in his arms.
I miss him. Even though I've never touched him.

He's busy, he can't talk to me right now and I'm sure he feels that he gave me a lot of his time already. I'm sure if i ask him to talk to me now that he would say well he probably wouldn't say but he would be thinking but I did stay with you after what's wrong with you i don't know what's wrong with me.
Perhaps it's loneliness.

I messaged G
He let me call him.
He thinks maybe sub drop.
And that I'm still grieving the death of my marriage. Seems like that's a good bet.
I'm glad he could talk with me.
I'm still sad. But. I can deal with it better now.

Beautiful Words

"Stay put" *happy sigh*

True to myself

I wanted things to be perfect.
I wanted my marriage to be perfect, so I pretended it was.
I ignored all the bad, pretended it didn't exist.
Pretended I was happy.
Because I had this idea that, that's who I should be.

But that is not who I am.
I am not sure where this new path will lead.
But, I will do my best to be true to myself from now on.

My Dom Loves Me

Was a tough day.
Sad songs on the radio.

Went to see the Book of Mormon. It was okay it was kind of funny. But it was lonely because I was with a lot of people and they were all couples and I was all by myself. So I was a little melancholy when I came home.

G knew that I was upset. He could tell I was sad even though I did tell him I was sad. He knew anyway even before I told him . He spent a long time with me on the phone. Like a couple of hours. It was nice. I can tell how much he cared because he wanted to spend time with me so that I wouldn't feel so alone. That was very sweet of him.

Then he sent me a message. It said, "you are mine!"
That made me feel so warm and loved. It made my heart swell. I texted back, "yes yours " and he said he was very glad that there was no questions about that. Me too.

Its just been a very long day lot of thoughts going through my head all day. Thoughts of being all alone sleeping alone nobody to kiss me nobody to tuck me in, nobody to cuddle with or hold me. I remember holding Marc's head close to me cuddling stroking his hair making him feel better just being close to him like that. I miss that.

I know, I know I can never go back. Sometimes I wonder though did I make a mistake should I have given him another chance. his words always come back into my head about buying this program that he wanted to buy that was it like a marriage counseling program and he's like we could buy this and try really hard Julie. He loved me so much. Why couldn't I love him back as much as he loved me. Why did I stop loving him. Why have I ended up here all alone, with no one that I can trust.

I honestly don't know if I will ever truly trust anyone ever again.
To G...
I am in bed. Going to sleep now. I just need to share this with you... I am not asking for anything, I am yours and want to be. I just need to share.... that sometimes, I wish I was, I wish I could be, your only one. I know, that can never be, but sometimes I wish it could. It's hard to be one of many. Sometimes.

To me...
I love the song and I love you