It's Not Me It's you

For a long time now I have thought that I have issues. That I am just a jealous irrational person.
But today, I changed my mind.
I know I have acted jealous with Grizz... but... he earned every bit of distrust I have of him by blatantly lying to me, breaking his word to me, just so that he could cum with someone else, when I wasn't available. Yup, not a very good reason if you ask me. Not a good reason to betray the trust of someone who has given you their very soul.
Now I have forgiven him but I will never ever forget, and I will never ever let anyone hurt me that way ever again, no one will ever get that close, not even him!!!! I know he felt bad at the time, although I think sometimes he feels he was justified. Anyway.... Thats not what I wanted to write about.

This is how I see it...
If I am in a relationship with Grizz and not his slave... I have every god damn right to be part of the decision of him friending more women on Fet, of him adding people to his profile, of him taking time away from us to spend it with these other women, I have that right as a human being in a relationship with another human being. He says, he is not a Master, therefore I am NOT a slave, I am his submissive. That doesn't mean he can just fuck whoever he wants to fuck and that it's not any of my fucking business.... that would mean I was his slave. I am not his fucking harem girl!!!!!!  I have the right to be involved in decisions that affect me, and him being with other women, affects me greatly!!!!

Not that he does. I mean, I don't think he does. But, he could be. I mean he certainly has very little time for me. He says work and his wife. Maybe so. There is no way for me to ever know for sure so I can only act on blind faith.

I know he loves me. Else he could just go find another submissive to have sex with. With less drama.

Drama!!!
Standing up for myself, expressing my needs is NOT drama!
But freaking out over a harmless post is.

Jealousy is fear... hmm I guess.
Jealousy is unbridled anger.
Seeing red.
Murderous.
Jealousy can destroy lives.
But too, you should not give your SO reason to be jealous.
Seriously though I am such a hypocrite. How dare I have jealous feelings over Grizz when he is a married man cheating on his wife.... with me! Double standard for sure.
One thing I know for sure.
Never ever ever again will I ever get in involved with a married man, a man who wants more than just me, or one who lives far away. This relationship has definitely taught me what I don't want in my next one.
Sometimes though, I think, I should just stay alone. I will poison every relationship I have because of being jealous.
You know why.... because he reprimanded me, for being jealous, and I fucking believed him, I believed it was all me and they were just friends, and I took my punishment.... and HE WAS FUCKING LYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE WAS FUCKING HER THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME!!!!!!!!!! AND THEY ARE STILL FRIENDS ON FET!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ugh! Sometimes I think I must be the stupidest most pathetic woman that ever lived!!!!!!!!!!
So now, I don't trust myself to know when someone is lying to me.
I don't trust anyone else either.
And I am not sure I ever will.

You see, being with him, even though I am petrified that he lies and that he will hurt me again, even that, is better than being without him. Why though, why is he so very important to me.

Because I fucking love him... that's why... because I am fucking in love with him. Ugh!

Torture.
I am tortured in my soul.


I tried to leave him, to ask to be released, to be free to have sex with others and to date and do whatever I wanted.
But after only a short while (like a hour lol). I panicked, I love so many things about being with him. He has been my rock and stood beside me holding my hand all this time. I haven't always made it easy. I know there have been times that he wanted to quit me, and he even said that once, told me I needed to find a new Dom. I don't remember why, something I did or said most likely. So I swallowed my pride, I said sorry, I begged for forgiveness and for him not to leave me. UGH! What a pathetic stupid idiot I am. Why do I chase after this man!!!! Ugh!!!!

Anyway.

I don't like to face the thought of being totally alone. Right now, he is with me a lot, many times he is just a text away. And if I am upset he finds a way to talk to me and calm me down.
He takes care of my physical needs as best he can. (Although, I am frustrated a lot these days, I only get to be with him maybe once a week.) His time is taken up with many other things and many other people. I don't think asking for more than 5 minutes in the morning and 5 minutes  at night is too much to ask.

We can't play together on Fet because I don't trust him one iota!!!!!! And it makes me insane to see him with other women, because I know if he has the opportunity he will fuck them. And honestly, who can blame me. He is a player, Unfortunately. And he tells women he loves them, wants them, but it doesn't really mean anything because he says that to all women... He loves and wants all women..... flirting he calls it... mmmhmmm flirting, what the fuck ever!!!! .  But I still love him. And I don't even know really why I care. Why do I care if he is fucking other women or not, so long as he is taking care of my needs what does it matter....
I guess.... right now.... he really isn't taking care of my needs.
He knows I have a very high sex drive, yet, he feels once a week is enough... and if I complain... I know he will just say he is doing his best and if that isn't enough maybe I need to find another Dom. That is so unfair, so so unfair. Ugh!!!!!
I dunno.

I messaged him that I need his voice.... his voice always calms these demons in my brain.  Stops all these crazy thoughts. At least  for the most part.

He's busy I know, and I have to wait. As usual. Wait. Wait behind his wife, wait behind his sons, wait behind his other women on Fet and his other friends... yup... maybe around oh 10:55 he'll say call me, you know, so we can talk for 5 minutes before I go to bed.

I know I know, that's not really fair. That doesn't happen all the time. Last night was wonderful, we talked for a long time, we seemed to reconnect. It was definitely what I needed. But once a month, only getting to spend a large quantity of time with him like that once a month or so is so very frustrating. I love being able to talk for a long time and let our conversation drift to whatever topic, to laugh with him and share his life and for me to share mine.

I guess what all this bitching is really saying is....
I miss him.

He said

I love you Julie

And I "heard" him

I am Loved and I am Safe!

Emotional ups and downs

It's wearing on me.
I'm exhausted.
My heart is still hurting.
But I don't know why.

I hate night time

I love him

I love my Grizz so much.
But I know that someday I will have to stop being his submissive.
Someday, if I meet someone and fall on love again. I'll need to let him be my Dom.
It makes me cry to think of it.
But I also wonder, how would that work.
Would he need to ask Bill permission. Is another Dominant man going to be OK with that?
Would I ask Bill's permission to have sex with him?
I just mean the logistics of it.
I know, he does not want me to become distracted from my goals. I don't want that either, and I know that falling in love would be very distracting, even dating would be distracting.
I'm not actively looking, but, if I do happen to meet someone, what do I do? Do I tell Grizz that I've met someone and I want to date him? The thought that I would hurt my Grizz with those words breaks my heart. How could I ever say them.

If

If he says boohooing or blubbering to me one more time, I might just lose my shit!!!!
It really fucking pisses me off.
But I try to hide it, because being pissed off is not submissive behavior.

I want to. I truly do. But something in me resists it. It's hard to let go and allow you to have control, even though it's what I want, what I need, what I crave. Maybe it's that "exploding cigar" fear. Not maybe, that is, what it is. I'm afraid, rather terrified, of being hurt, again. Which is crazy, because it's too late anyway, you already have the Power to destroy me so why can't I just let go, just surrender like I did when we first met. My fear stops me. : (

I am his

And I'm not going anywhere.

WTH

Right now. I'm calm.
No pain in my chest from anxiety and worry. No heart ache. No tears

Bill and I just had sex.
It was awesome. As it usually is.
It really really bugs me to think that he's right. Right about me needing to be fucked by my Sir. That it's the cure all. But I'm so much calmer. It's scary.

I love him so very much
I know I give him stress. I just was not in control, I was panicking, I was terrified, I was ready to run. By run I mean leave him.

He says, you're not going anywhere, I'm not done with you (makes me smile).

My Sir. *happy sigh* I love him so

My Heart is hurting today

I think I may have to leave my Grizz.
I am crying so hard I can't breathe.
It's so sad so very sad.
I don't think I will survive it.

Grizz

He "came for me"
He said he would.
Fucked me silly.
Made me cum very hard. It was intense.
Made me his.
He says he wishes I could rest and be secure in our relationship.
I wish I could too.
I wish I could just let go of my fear and trust him.
I haven't been able to.
It makes me so very sad.
There was a time in the beginning, I trusted every word he said. :(
That's what I want. I want to trust someone so implicitly that I allow them to take total control of me which means I can't be feeling afraid all the time.
I don't want to be without him
I'm afraid that I will never be able to completely surrender to anyone ever again. It just hurts way too much when they betray that trust and the hurt never seems to go away.

Fet

Always drama. He says, my fault.

Grizz is back on Fet.
I guess him and Jess broke up.
He didn't mention it to me.

My own fault because I can't seem to control my emotions when he's on Fet. I try, but, I can't. He has just lied to me too many times. I don't trust him with other women. He doesn't trust himself, so how can I possibly trust him.

It will be the end of our relationship. That's my prediction.
I can't be just one of many. Even if I want to accept it... I can't. It will kill me.
I can't watch him flirt with women that he's lied to me about, or watch them flirt with him.
It tears my heart into little pieces. The anguish is too much for me to bear.
Even knowing that he is still friends with them is heart wrenching. When I see their names the pain of his lies and betrayal washes over me, engulfs me, choking me. Their presence is a constant reminder that I can't trust him. That I'm not enough for him. It's very hurtful to my self esteem.
I don't see how I can possibly stay his submissive if he needs his Fet account. The two are in conflict.
I will not give him an ultimatum.
I will have no choice but to make the choice for him. I won't ask him to give anything up for me.
It breaks my heart. I love him so.
I can only imagine how horrible my life will be without him. But this just hurts too much and it will never stop hurting.
At least, if I end it, eventually, I will stop hurting so much. Maybe, maybe someday I'd be ok again. If I survive our break up, it may be the death of me. How would I ever survive without him.
I'm so very sad. So very very sad.

Marc

He's been on my mind so much lately.
Thoughts of missing him and missing our apartment.

It wasn't all bad.

I just found out his sister had a stroke.
He loves her a lot. He must be so upset. I wish I could be there for him.

I think I must be dreaming about him because I wake up to thoughts of him, to memories. I start to entertain the notion of reconciling ugh! I know that's not an option. It's very possible that he could snap and kill me.
Part of me is willing to accept that risk.
It's like, if that's my fate so be it.
But why.
Is it because I'm lonely.
Is it because I think I'll never love anyone like I loved him.
I do know that he did love me. Once
Perhaps he hates me now. :(
Perhaps he wouldn't take me back anyway so the point is moot.

I don't think I'd really go back to him. It's just a fanciful notion.

Somewhere in the night

On the day I walked away,
All the blue rolled into gray.
Now in the dark, alone I lay.
Should have stopped,
But I could never ever stay.
Somewhere in the night,
Inside my dreams you burn so bright.
And I'm with you there and everything's alright.
Somewhere in the night,
Before the darkness turns to light.
Let me love you there, somewhere in the night.
Second chances, I wont get.
Wouldn't dare to hope and yet.
Everywhere I turn I see your silhouette
Been so long but I never will forget.
Somewhere in the night,
Inside my dreams you burn so bright.
And I'm with you there and everything's alright.
Somewhere in the night,
Before the darkness turns to light.
Let me love you there, somewhere in the night.
Time after time, I find that I'm thinking about you.
Up on the hill I see you still but I just can't reach.
Who would answer your prayers?
Who would wait by the stairs?
Not Me.
Not Me.
Somewhere in the night,
Inside my dreams you burn so bright.
And I'm with you there and everything's alright.
Somewhere in the night,
Before the darkness turns to light.
Let me see your face.
Feel your warm embrace.
Let me love you, somewhere in the night.

Sometimes

I'm just trying to stay alive.
When all I really want to do is die.