Feeling emotional today.

He didn't say I love you. :(

It's such a simple thing.

So silly to be upset about.

:(

I called him back, hoping to nip the incoming emotional shit storm in the bud

I guess it helped somewhat.

It's hard not to put more meaning on it than is really there.

It's just, he forgot. So, it seems like it's not very important to him.

Did he forget because he is losing interest.
Did he forget because he doesn't really love me?

Is he mad now or irritated because I called him back.

Sadness is here. :(
Fear is in my heart.

Why

Why does this release a rush of endorphins...

You have been awake to long, you are over thinking. You need a nap. Go have a nap. This is not a suggestion.

Huge sigh... I love my Sir. (Giggles)

Aftercare

Things that I know help me to come down slowly...

Cuddling into you, your arm around me, holding me tightly in your embrace.
(This makes me feel safe, protected)

Any touches from you, like stroking my hair or my cheek. (I love this especially it makes my heart sing)
Holding my hand.
Gently rubbing your feet on mine.
Pulling my leg in closer using your leg.
Soft kisses on my forehead.
(These things make me feel loved and cherished)

A soft warm blanket.
(Soothes my owies and calms me lol)

Chocolate. (No explanation needed lol)

After resting, either going to sleep with you or if I'm not staying then getting up and doing something physical 

(I found that dancing with you helped me immensely that night i do beleive it helped to prevent a major meltdown)

One of the most important things is to be able to hear your voice on the days following. I truly need to hear you say that you are pleased with me, that I'm wanted and loved and that I'm yours.

One time you sent me this message:

 you My slut belong to Me. you are My property, all that you once considered part of you, is now Mine. you have surrendered to Me, mind and body. There is no doubt, for you or I, I Own you.

That was/is absoutley perfect and sometimes I read it over again when i feel a little seed of doubt floating around.

Thats all I can think of at the moment, but I will add to this list when I find other things that work or other things we can try.

KC says with the proper attention given to providing the aftercare that a submissive needs... sub-drop can be minimized greatly and most times eliminated all together. I definitely want to work towards that goal :) I am so very blessed that you care about me enough, and value our relationship enough to want to work together to overcome this challenge. Thank you Sir. You not only have my love, you have my respect, you are a very caring and attentive Dom.

Regarding sex being a necessary part of my aftercare, that could very well be, I am still considering that idea.

You have asked me, what do i need... i don't a;ways know, it's trial and error. You are the only Dom I have ever played with, new feelings and reactions happen and I am only just learning about myself and how things affect me. Thank you for walking with me and being a part of my journey, I could not have wished for a more patient and loving Dom.

Play

He fastens my hands to the cross's restraints. i'm nervous, although not scared. This is not the first time we've played.

He has me facing the wall, He starts with His belt, I can see it in His hand. Shivers of anticipation run down my body.

Smack!

The sound is loud, the impact stings. i yelp like a wounded animal.
i love it.
More swings of His belt. Yes please.
More sounds of sweet torture escaping my lips. My body responds with a rush of those wonderful chemicals that make this all worthwhile. It's like I can feel His love for me in every strike.
He grabs my hair, I'm instantly intensely aroused.
He pulls my head back as he swings the belt again. His grip on my hair has me refocused and although He swings hard, I barely feel it.
All rational thought has left me.

He touches my cheek, moves my hair so that He can look into my eyes. The only thoughts i have are of absolute love and devotion. i'm His. Utterly and completely His. i'm in the trance they call subspace.  Reality has slipped away.

And then He takes me deeper...
"Remove your dress"
"Yes Sir" i do not hesitate. i only obey.
W/we move to another station,  now i'm sitting, facing him. He chains my wrists together above my head. I am restrained, exposed, vulnerable, completely dependent upon Him for my safety.

I'm not thinking now just experiencing. Just obeying. His commands and the sound of his implements on my skin are all I hear. All I want to hear.

He covers my head with a hood. It's dark.
I'm in a another world.
There is only Him and me.
But I am his. In this moment I'm nothing without him,  I have no will of my own. It doesn't exist. So really, there is only Him.

He tortures my breasts and nipples for what seemed a long time, relentlessly. i reach my limit, i cry out, "No" i sob, and tears fall under the mask. But i don't really want him to stop, but then again, i do. At last,  i can take no more. And cry for "mercy" our safe word.
He touches me lovingly. i am His property He loves me. i trust that He will take care of me. My love for him is more like adoration, like worship. I am an atheist, but, in those moments, He is my God!

Sub Drop Really Really Sucks

https://livewideopen.wordpress.com/2010/10/24/sub-dopt/

Playing at Scandalous

Playing today was so intense oh my goodness I can't even tell you

We went to scandalous. And we played and I cried but it was glorious and I laughed he took me very far in subspace.

But then he had to leave to go home cuz he has to work tomorrow. But I didn't want him to go. I started to get very upset. So I told him that I was starting to get very upset. But I didn't mean to be upset I didn't want to be upset and I just needed his help to try to control it. So we tried. It ended up we dance to huge smile he's such a good dancer I love dancing with him I can't believe we we played and then we dance it was amazing.

We were sitting on the couch just after we played in the in the dance room. And I was looking into his eyes he looked like he loved me like he was in love with me but that makes me cry cuz I don't think it's true. He didn't say it. I mean he says he loves me. But he never says he's in love with me. He doesn't want to lead me on.

I know he's just trying to protect me. And he says he wasn't ready to give anybody his whole heart. And I get that I really do. But then why does he look at me like that. Why does he look at me like she's in love with me, if he's not. It makes me cry.

I don't know what to do. Because I just keep falling more and more in love with him.

So I had to come home alone. Because he has to work tomorrow. Which means I only got a small amount of aftercare. Which doesn't work well for me. I need a ton. So I may not be able to plant scandalous anymore because I can't get into that headspace and then have to go home by myself all alone it's too much for me. I don't think he truly understands that its sub drop. He thinks I'm worried or afraid but its not that at all I know what it is and it snowed the endorphins are the oxy whatever it is it's those chemicals being raised so high and then dropping which I love but its so hard to take. I definitely need him to acknowledge that that's what it is and then not that I'm just being silly I need him to understand it and just help me through it and and be accepting of it.

I don't know

I guess I'll just talk to him tomorrow about it.

He's a strange one.

I love fucking

Seriously, I really fucking love fucking. lol
I love when he slams his hard cock into me. I love how he calls me his dirty little slut. I love when he says "take my cock slut" and "squeeze my cock whore" FUCK! It makes me so aroused just thinking, remembering...*happy sigh*.

I love his hand in my hair.
I love wearing his collar.

I love him.

I am his.

I belong.

I love him so very much

I'm so very lucky to have him in my life. :)

Happiness

It's so odd that now I'm feeling so happy. lol

So Sir says

I need less choices.
I need for him to tell me exactly what to do. He says he thought about it a lot.

So from now on he won't say "I'm going to talk to my friend and you can either come or go as you please" he'll say, I'm going to talk to my friend for 30 minutes, you will do the dishes, tidy the kitchen and then sit quietly until I'm done.

That... I think would work lol
Isn't that absolutely insane lol

Because what I really wanted to do was just sit at his feet with my head on his knee. But I was afraid he would think I was trying to take his attention away from his friend. I had no way to ask him without interrupting him. And I wasn't thinking clearly. He thinks due to the Cymbalta.
Maybe.

But after tonight's phone conversation I'm a lot less worried. lol. Instead of thinking about releasing me his decision his idea is to tighten the reigns aaahhh happy sigh. I feel much more secure that way. :)

I hate not sleeping

Woke up early so that I could cry some more. Fun stuff. :(

I'm so afraid. Afraid that he doesn't really want me. Afraid that he'll lose interest and find someone else. :( Just like Grizz did.

It's so sad. My fear is making me behave in ways that will make my fears be realized. I wouldn't blame him if he left me right now. :(

I must seem like a basket case.
I don't want to cause him grief, but it seems like THAT is all I do. :(

Rough day

Many tears.
Not sure where exactly they came from.
Even went to see my Sir, but that ended badly. :(

His friend called and he said, "I'm going to talk with my friend you can come or go as you like"

That sent me back to crying my eyes out.
:(
Feeling tossed aside.
Worthless. In the way.

He says he didn't mean it that way. He says he meant that I didn't have to leave.

I thought he wasn't even going to say good bye. But he says he was.

Then he said, if that's the way I'm going to react then he won't be able to invite me to his house. That hurt. A lot. :'(

I know I was very upset and out of control with my crying. I know he didn't know what to do. :(
Still.
It was mean. Cruel. :(
Sad :(

Before that was OK.
I did get to be near him, although I had the feeling I wasn't really wanted.
Perhaps it's all in my head.
But usually it's not.

Nobody wants me :(