G

He said something today.
Something
Ugh too tired to type

A Very Lovely Afternoon

I just spent the last two hours just hanging out with G while he did dishes and what not at home. It was amazing. To get to just spend time connected to him.

I am not allowed to go on Fet for the rest of the day. But I don't mind. I mean. I like FET but I like his rules more, I like obeying him more.

I am so glad that I have him in my life.

:)

OMG

I fucking love my Dom.
We just had phone sex.
It was amazing.
That term "phone sex" just doesn't seem to cut it. lol

Pensive

Just doing some housework. Thinking.
Pondering my life.
My Sir.
Our relationship.
My jealousy.
Wish I could submit without experiencing so much fear.
I want to be his.
When I let go completely, I panic.
Especially if I see him giving attention to someone else, or if I see someone giving him attention.
Part of me is afraid he will like them better. Not that they are better than me. but just that he would enjoy being with them more than being with me.

Wanting my Sir today.

mmm

Now I feel kind of bad

For doubting Grizz.

Budget

G wants to see my budget.
I'm so happy. I love when he takes control of things.
Isn't that strange. lol
And I think he's going to be more consistent about me calling him Sir.
I do love calling him Sir.
I do love being submissive to him.
I want to be more submissive.
I want to feel like I am his property, like I belong to him, sometimes I do feel it, I just want more.

I love my Sir so much. ;)

I'm finally feeling better

I remembered his words...
"can you correct your attitude"
and that submissive rush washed over me, and I am back where I want to be...
His.

I was there

I had it back, I was completely his.
It was the most amazing feeling.
But then I lost it.
Its gone again.
I want it more than anything.
But
I don't know how to keep it.
*sigh*

I know why I was sad

I know now what bothered me yesterday.
When he video called me, with no shirt.
I had messaged him about an hour before that, saying I was home, but no response from him for over an hour.
Then, he doesn't want / well can't have sex. Has to go to bed early.
I know he needs it every day.
So logically it means he got it from somewhere else. While I go without.
That makes me sad.

It hurts

Thinking of him with someone else hurts. Makes my heart ache and my tears fall.

But being without him would be worse.

I want

I want him to prefer me over everybody else.

Struggling

Yesterday not much contact with G.
When I messaged him that I was home, he didn't respond for over an hour, and then only after my messaging him that I miss him.
Then he video called, he was not wearing a shirt.
So he was either taking a nap, or having sex with someone else.
None of my business I guess.

Perhaps

Perhaps he only stays with me because he doesn't want to upset me.
Perhaps he'd rather be chasing skirts and not having to deal with my jealous insecurities,
Perhaps I am not that important to him. But he just doesn't want to hurt me.
Perhaps he would be happier if I was gone from his life.
Perhaps I am too much trouble.

I need to be stronger

I need to be stronger. I need to not depend on G so much.
I need to know, that if he was to leave me, that I would be OK. Or if he was to do something that made it so that I have to leave him, I need to be strong enough to do that with out ending up in the Looney bin.
He could decide at any time that he wants someone else.
There is simply no such thing as security. All relationships end.

He will either leave me or he will hurt me enough that I'll have to leave.
I know, he'd rather be chatting up some young thing on Fet than be dealing with my crap. I don't really blame him. My life is not much fun.

I have to prepare myself.
He will not always be there.
I need to learn how to be alone.
I need to distance myself from him.
So that he won't be able to hurt me so much when he leaves.

Ok

Not sure why I freaked out.

I do know, when I saw her posts I experienced an overwhelming feeling of panic. It was deep in my stomach and washed over my whole body. It created a tightness in my throat and started my tears falling.

I felt like they were making a fool of me. I felt like I should run away.

I don't get it. I don't understand my panic. Even if they were having a relationship, it doesn't really affect me, I mean, except that I think thoughts that upset me. I know he loves me. He's been amazing.

I love talking with him.
About anything and everything.
I love hearing about his life.
I love the sex.
I love his dominance.

That's what I'm afraid of.

What if
What if I expose myself.

What if
I bare my soul.

What if
I open my heart

And he rips it out of my chest, destroys my soul and leaves me alone, exposed and vulnerable to go "play" somewhere else.

I will die.
Though this body may still breathe.
All that is me will cease to exist.

That's what I'm afraid of.

Maybe

Maybe shutting down is better than giving in.
Maybe loneliness is better than heartbreak.
Maybe walls are safer than open doors
Maybe
Maybe I need to hide.
So that I don't get hurt.

So tired now

From crying all night and all day.
From being paralyzed with fear.
From cumming with my Sir.

Hard to keep my eyes open.
I think a nap is in order.

I wish

He could just hold me while I cry.
Just hold me.

Everyone WILL hurt you

The only issue is, to what degree.

Fear's grip is like a steel vice.

What if
What if I expose myself.

What if
I bare my soul.

What if
I open my heart

And he rips it out of my chest, destroys my soul and leaves me alone, exposed and vulnerable to go "play" somewhere else.

I will die.
Though this body may still breathe.
All that is me will cease to exist.

I am paralyzed with fear.

I'm afraid

I'm afraid that I'm giving myself to a man who just wants to play.

ShesADaddysGirl who was my friend first, is making comments all the time that seem just a little bit too familiar.

"You know where I am xo"
"I'll be waiting with a warm embrace"

Am I that fucking stupid.
SMH

Exact words

 and I will be here when you return from your solitude needing a warm embrace

I messaged him, said I needed to pull away.
He said call me.
I could barely talk.
I don't want to be made a fool of again.
I don't want to give myself to a man who does not see me as his priority.

He says, she's just a very warm expressive person. Which she is.
This sucks.
These feelings suck.
I want my happiness back.
:'(

I know this is my own issue...
It's a trust thing.
I am afraid of trusting him or anyone too much. I'm so afraid of being hurt again. Last time I had suspicions, they were right.
Forgive but never Forget.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice shame on me.

I'm just so happy right now.

I want to enjoy it while I can.

Struggling

So I'm posting here to help me deal with it.
I am drawn to Fet... I am drawn to want to see what M is posting.
I don't even know why.
But this certainly is an exercise in self control.
I mean. I could disobey, G would never know, but I would know.

Being challenged is a good thing.
I mean. I want to learn to obey.
If I only obey when I want to do or not do something, that's not really obeying.
I am struggling though.
It's like, not eating that cookie that's on the plate. It's hard.

I love him. I trust him. I want to obey him. I actually like having something that gives me the opportunity to grow in my submissive role.

Happy Today

Smiling whenever G crosses my mind, which is often.
The smile washes over my whole body. I feel so good, so at peace and of course aroused.
Mmm yes. G. I love him so. I am looking forward to be with him again, I'm not feeling desperate, just eager. ;)

Awake.

Feeling sad for M.
Wish I could help him.
Not because I want to be with him.
I don't.
I've wanted to be free for a very long time.
But,
Because he is another human being who is hurting, he is tormenting himself daily.

And

I'm longing to be held.
In the strong arms of a man.
Like my Dad would hold me when I was little.
*sigh*

I'm Safe

Apparently a person can feel so happy they want to burst and also so sad it makes them cry at the exact same time.

I know it's true because I'm doing it right now.
I went on Fet this morning onto my ex-husband's profile (after G had told me not to)
G reprimanded me.
SMH
I loved it, and hated it at the same time.
I really want to understand these feelings.
When he said the words.
"You will not be allowed on Fet tomorrow... We just had this discussion yesterday... If you had asked permission before hand, that would be different."
Those words and his tone all at once made me deliriously happy deep in my being, but also, I realized at that moment that I had been disrespectful (I didn't see it that way before) and that realization made me cry.
The punishment of staying off Fet did not make me cry, I mean, I don't like it, but it was the absolute remorse I felt for disobeying him. I'm so glad I told him. I would not want to keep anything from him.
He is my everything.
He is my Sir.
I am his property.
I need to remember that.
My will is no longer my own.
I must (and I want to) learn to obey and be a better submissive.

This night was amazing.
Even though all the feelings were not completely positive, they were/are ones that I needed.
I need to be reprimanded when I break the rules, else why have rules. It proves to me that he truly loves me and cares for.

I love my Sir so much.
I think I felt his love for me more strongly tonight then I ever have before. I feel so loved and cared for.

I'm safe. *sigh*
;)

I feel the need to obey him

It's very strong.
It was gone for a while.
But, it's back.
And I'm glad.

So Good

I need to write this now.
I want to capture these feelings.
I am his.
That's all I can think about.
It's all I want to think about.

We were just together and it was amazing. I love the way his words make me gush. His "story" tonight was more kinky than those of late, and that kinkiness really gets my juices flowing... literally... lol. Fuck I want him to spank me so fucking bad!
I think my high sex drive is getting back in gear. I'm wanting it more and more.

I love when he says... Do "this" or don't do "this". I love his rules and I love him enforcing them. It gives me that submissive rush that I crave. That feeling that washes over me. That feeling I actually haven't felt in quite a while.
I've been holding back.
I've been afraid.
I've also been under a great deal of stress, which is slowing dissipating one issue at a time.
I felt that wonderful rush tonight when he claimed me and when he said in a very firm no nonsense voice " don't be on there tonight " (meaning Fet), and earlier today when he said... "can you correct your attitude " oh God it was such an amazing feeling when I read those words... knowing, surrendering to him, to his words, his dominance. I just fucking love it so much. I love the feeling I get when I know, when I feel that confidence that he owns me. Perhaps I am more slave than sub.

I want so much to kneel naked at his feet, in front of others, so they will know, with no mistaking I belong to him. To be sitting there collared him holding my leash, proud to be his chosen one. I want that so much. To truly feel like I am his property. That excites me. That fulfills me. That makes me happy.

I fucking love him so much!!

I want to give him control of everything, of my whole life, of everything I do, I want him to have control over my orgasms. I want to do the orgasm control conditioning that I've read about. I'm not afraid anymore, I'm not afraid to give him that power over me, over my body. I trust him that he would never use it to hurt me. I think, next time we have a chance to talk for a while, I'm going to ask him about it.
I know it's more to do with me, with my letting him in. Surrendering to him.
It's what I want more than anything. To completely surrender to my Sir.
I'm very relaxed, happy, smiling from ear to ear. lol.

Happy Subbie Tonight :)

Why does this make me feel so much more secure. I don't know.

Julie. Do you need to spend some time away from that for a couple of weeks? Or can you correct your attitude?
Because I am completely comfortable with our relationship. If it will make you more secure to have that up there claiming that you are mine and we will fix that.
I do not want to take that away from you but I will if I need to. You've already been struggling and pushing the boundaries by visiting his profile haven't you?

The most beautiful sentence I have ever read.

Julie you are mine and no one else's

I DO

LOVE HIM SO MUCH!! *happy sigh*

Music Night

G has gone to play music.
I'm very happy for him, I could just hear in his voice as well as his words when he's walking in the door of the hall.
The stress just melts away.
I do know that feeling. For me, it's the hot pool. Submersing my whole naked body into the hot water... so good... And the jets, massaging my back. So so good.
Huge stress reliever.

I wish I could go to Dallas. I wish I could go and meet my Sir in person.
Not really a good idea though.
To go, to another country, to meet a man I met on Fet.
Its not that I'm afraid, it's just that it's not a wise thing to do.
Plus.
If I go there (instead of him coming here), I feel like I'm chasing after him, like I'm stalking him almost. Him coming here would prove how important I am to him.
I know he says he hopes to meet me someday, but I know, it's perfectly fine with him if he doesn't. It will not affect his life any, if he never meets me in person.
For me, I long to have his arms around me. I long to feel him take my hand, touch my face, stroke my hair.
I want him to make love to me with his body and not just his words.
I can wait, sure, but, I do want that, with all my heart.
I know the parting would be painful. But even so, I believe it would be worth it. Just to make those memories.
Ugh!
So what comes to mind... "There were tears when I left Andrea after" grrrrr
Get The Fuck Out of My Head!!
Why, why why
Why does that thought have to invade my dreaming.
Ugh!

He says he's in love with me.
I believe him.
I love him very much.

I do wish some things were different.
I wish we did not live so very far apart.
I wish he did not have so many other women. I wish I was his only "diversion".
I wish he would collar me, he has said he wants to. But maybe that was just him telling me what I want to hear.
I wish I had something of his to touch and hold when I'm missing him.
And I wish he'd never told me that Andrea has his shirts. Makes me not want to have his shirts, it takes the meaning and romance out of it. I don't like being the "stand in" for Andrea.

It's like, when he sent me those roses, I was overjoyed. I cried. It meant so much to me.
Then I found out, he sent them to Jess too. I still love them. But the meaning I thought was behind them, thinking I was special, that was lost. I was just one of his women. No big deal.

He says, someday, his baby girls will find real life partners. And "move on"
Perhaps. Perhaps not.
So, if, when, that happens.
Will he go find more?
SMH... I don't know.

He has not spent very much time on Fet lately. I'm not really sure why.
He says he's just not interested.
It's a change. It was hard to take for sure. Always a new "friend". And after all the lies and breaking his word, it was so very hard to trust him.
He's much more attentive to me now.
Not sure why he stopped trolling the website, but I am very glad that he did.

I'm so very blessed to have found him.
So very thankful for his love.
Thankful for his support and counsel.
And... lol... Yes... I'm very thankful for his telephone " skills " lol.

I am on my own tonight.
But I don't feel lonely.
I know G and I are together.
I know...
Someday the baby girls will leave, and I will, hopefully, have him all to myself.(except for his wife of course).

Am I bad person for falling in love with a married man?
It is a conflict that I have.
That I'm taking away from his wife what should be hers.
I don't know. I'm not ready to deal with that yet.
I need him.
There's no way I could make it without him.

And I realize, I take a lot of his time, and I realize he does have the "others". However, they are none of my concern, they are not in "our" relationship. Whether or not he is giving them enough attention, I no longer care. That's his problem, not mine. I am only concerned that he is meeting my needs. I will not ever sacrifice anything for them. I MUST look out for myself first and foremost.
Thing is, I do accept that I come second to his wife. But NOT anyone else. If I ever find out that he has ever told me/left me to be with his wife but in reality was not.
THAT could start a war.
I won't be used.
I won't be lied to.
I won't be tricked
I won't be manipulated.
I WILL fight back.

But, I don't think he'd do that anyway.

Usually, I trust him.
Every once in a while,  doubt creeps back in. But it stays less and less time and times that I feel it are growing ever further apart.;)

I just love him so very much.
So very very much.

Mhm

Now THAT was amazing. lol

But he didn't really do anything different. Well. He did seem to enjoy it more. I wonder why.

It's too bad my landlord knocked on the door, I would have liked to spend more time with him. I'm really going to try hard to not let it bother me. I'm going to try to control my train of thought so that no bad ones take over.

I have a meeting in Barrie at 7 PM.
I'm so tired though. Sigh.
I really love being a part of the organization. But I do seem to have troubles when it comes to actually doing it. I want to back out. Usually because I'm tired.

Choices

G says... When you make a choice, when you say yes to something, you must accept that you cannot have the other options.

Feeling Irritable

Not sure why.

Just spent some time with G.
It was nice. It was not the same as usual.
Not sure if it was me or if it was him that was not really into it.
I did cum. And it was a release. But as I think back, something was missing.
Perhaps he was distracted. Perhaps I was not relaxed. I don't know.

I guess I can't expect every single time to be earth shattering.

Perhaps I am just bitching because I am trying to quit smoking and only using the e-cigarette.
Cause you know, it must be me, my fault. Always. *sarcasm*

Thinking about G and his baby girls.
He has been having some "issues" with one of them. No contact, and it seems as if she is lying about her internet. When a baby girl lies to their Dom, they are no longer their Dom, just my opinion.
If you want to and can without qualms lie to a person and keep secrets from them, you don't truly respect them. Just my opinion.

You know what just occurred to me... about the sex G and I just had.
I didn't gush, hardly at all, I mean a little, but the towel isn't even wet. Huh. Maybe that's why I am frustrated, feeling irritable. Maybe, I don't know.

I DO NOT want to upset G with my mood. I don't want to be another one of his problems.

He sometimes expresses irritation about his babygirls texting him so much.
I can just imagine what he thinks/says about me.
Maybe I should stop, slow down, not message him so much. Or try to. I don't know.
I am just in a mood. probably the change in nicotine delivery. So in my opinion, now is not a good time to make any changes or decisions.

I know it wasn't because he mentioned one of them. I was irritated before that. That's why I think it's just me.

oh...  you know what....  it just occurred to me... our cybersex was vanilla... very very vanilla
I wonder if that is what is making me feel frustrated. I mean.... I want a Dom not a lover.... If I wanted vanilla sex there are many men here I could get it from....

hmmm maybe.... maybe I will need to talk with G about this afterall... but not tonight. Another day after I think about it more.

or maybe... maybe he didn't really want to... I mean... he wanted to... but maybe he was doing it more for me... maybe that's what I sensed...

Maybe he didn't cum. I don't know. I think I'll ask him.

The fact is, our time together did not have the desire affect on me.
The reason for that is currently unknown.

I think I may have just figured it out....
Grizz needs to behave more dominantly towards me.
He is letting me away with too much.
He is treating me like a girlfriend and not a submissive and that is making me feel insecure.
Ok well, that is my theory. Anyway.

I had something to eat.
Feeling better.
Maybe I was just hungry.

Tools for Healing - Seasons

I went to a support group today.

I learned about a "healing model"

Spring - new ideas, new people, freshness, excitement, giving of oneself to others

Summer - starting to see issues, starting to pull back, seeing that a change needs to happen

Fall - breaking away, chaos because of changes you made
 - sometimes falling back into summer because of fear of the unknown, fear of the chaos, fear of being out of your comfort zone

Winter - pulling in to self, reflection, isolation, meditating, thinking, time to regroup and build up strength and energy.

I am in Winter - I think.

Today was such a good day

I am feeling very blessed and happy.
Very in love with my Dom.
Very grateful to be his.
Very calm and relaxed.
I think I will take a nap. :)

Without a doubt

I know, I woke up because Marc is upset. I can feel it. And I can tell these are not my feelings, they're his.
Sounds kinda wonky, I know.
But I know it's true.

A Song in My Head

I woke up, with a song in my head...
Just You and I...

I remember, I asked Marc to learn it with me, but he never did.

As I was waking memories started flooding into my head.
Memories of happy times, memories of being in love with him and of feeling loved. Sadness overwhelmed me and that's why I woke up.
I think it's Marc's sadness that I'm feeling. I mean, I'm sad too sometimes, but the fact that the sadness woke me up... and that today is his court date, I believe I am feeling his pain.
It's very strong, very hard to deal with.

I never wanted to leave him forever.
I only wanted to be free to be myself.
I wanted to be able to stay married and have my Grizz. I was willing to never go and seek out a Dom here.
I know it was too much for him to handle.
But now, now he has to handle going to jail. That's not better. It's so very sad that this is where we have ended up.
It's very hard for me to not take responsibility on myself for this whole thing. I am the one who left. And I am the one who refused to give up my Dom and Fet.
He gave up Raine for me.
Makes me feel very bad about myself.
I've hurt him beyond repair.
It tears me to pieces to know that I am the cause of his unbearable pain.
Sad.
Very sad.
Even now, I wish I could hold him, comfort him, as he's facing the judge today. I wish I could hold his hand and tell him, everything will be OK. He'll get through this. But will he. If he commits suicide, how will I ever deal with it. It will be my fault.

G was here

Well not really here.
But kind of here.
We didn't talk about our "fight".
He didn't reprimand me which is what I expected. And I was surprised.
He just fucked me.
Which is exactly what I wanted and needed.

He did say, after, that he hadn't realized how desperate I was. I'm not sure how I can communicate with him more clearly in the future. I just don't know.

Very tired now from all the sexual frustration, the crying, the anger and then the sex. Very very tired. Worn down and worn out.
Exhausted even.

Ugh!!!

I just want to turn off my notifications so he can't contact me.
But then I don't want to either.
Or rather, I won't because I am his submissive and even though I'm mad at him, I still want to be his.
Ugh!!
I am so frustrated.
What???
What did I do that was soooo unacceptable!????

I am not angry that he had sex with his wife!!!
But it was nasty of him to throw it in y face!
Yes he said sorry.
Well sorry doesn't stop the hurt.
Sorry doesn't take away the frustration.
Sorry doesn't erase the fact that he really had no idea of my needs or if he did he really didn't care.
Not in a deliberate "stick it to her" way, but in a "never even crossed his mind way."

I've been telling him and telling him and telling him how much I needed him. So what, he didn't believe me???

Perhaps he just doesn't really care about my needs anymore.

On my own.

I guess I will just have to find a way to make myself feel better.
I am the only one I can count on.

I am so frustrated and angry!!!

Just had an argument with G.
He made me so very angry.

I was trying to be honest with him about my feelings.... I was trying to be open with him... and now he's mad at me! FFS!

I have been wanting him for two days, needing a release, feeling so very frustrated and not able to focus on things or think straight. I get like that, and he knows it.
I am not allowed to cum without him, so I have to wait for him.
So he messages me that him and his wife just had great sex.
Wonderful, good to know! WTF!!!!
It made me so mad.
So frustrated. I have been waiting, wanting, suffering.
I told him how I was feeling....
I said I wanted to go and watch TV so I could calm down.
I guess that made him mad.


I don't even want to have sex with him now!
But I actually do want to so badly and that is my biggest issue!
Now it's a bad thing, as always my sex drive is a bad thing that I should be ashamed of.
Even with him. I thought this would be different. But it's not. He doesn't want me either.
Now I may not get any tonight either!
I am so frustrated I just want to lash out at everything and everyone!



He has logged out and is not talking to me.

now he comes back and says... my misbehavior is not acceptable!!!!!
What the fuck ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MY misbehavior!!!!?????

now he says

I do love you.

Whatever!
just makes me cry
I am so alone. I feel like such a piece of garbage. I was reaching out to him for help and he basically slaps me in the face!!!!!!!!!!
He is my only way to release all of this tension that builds up in me.
I am not allowed to do anything to help myself.
It's not fair that he is mad at me now!

Now I am so upset, I can't stop crying.

He should be trying to help me, not punishing me.
He has really let me down,

This is the feeling I hate, I hate hate hate!!!
When I am so aroused, and needing sex so much and it just leads to a fight and anger.

I truly love my Sir

So much.
I want to be a better submissive for him.
I don't really know how.
I guess I'll ask him how.

Aroused

I'm very aroused. I have been, all day.
But, G, has no time for me so I must wait. I don't want to wait. I don't like waiting. lol.
I want him. Now.
I want to cum for him. Now.
Fuck!
And tomorrow we might not have time either. Ugh!
I need to cum.
I need to cum for my Sir.
I need to be controlled. To be used. To be dominated. Fuck!

My Conversation With G

You saved me, you have stood by me, you have tried to be a better man, being honest with me, taking my feelings into consideration, being patient with my insecurities. Taking the time and making a real honest effort to regain my trust. You are smart, loving, sexy, not to mention very creative and talented when it comes to phone sex and cyber sex. You are an amazing man. I only wish that someday I will feel your arms around me, I will get to kneel naked at your feet, to feel your cock enter me and your hot cum filling me and that I will someday get to wear your collar, to truly be yours. That's how much I love you.

I know you love me too, I do know that. But, it's not the same.

Him:
of course no it is not the same as being there in person. But we make the most of it don't worry sweetie?

Me:
No. That's not what I was saying. Your love for me is not the same as the love I have for you.

Him:
that is also true. A man loves a woman in a different way that she loves him

Me:
You have captured my heart and my mind. Losing you, being released would be traumatic for me... for you... It would be, as you've said... bittersweet. I would be emotionally and psychologically devastated. This... a D/s relationship is much deeper and requires a much deeper level of responsibility. I am not sure you were fully aware, or even are aware now of the seriousness of being a Dom to a submissive woman. Your other ladies are not like me. They don't want to be yours 24/7. They don't, haven't given up all control to you. You are my leader, my owner. Each day that passes I become more and more yours, I am nothing without you now.

This is not a vanilla relationship. And I'm not talking about the sex part at all. You're in my head, all the time, everywhere I go, everything I do. I'm always thinking of you.

I need you to own me. To see me as your property. And treat me as such. It makes me whole, it gives me peace when you exercise your will, when you remind me in no uncertain terms who is in control.

OK. lol. You're probably regretting showing me that link now. lol. Sorry, I got a little long winded. 💋💜

A submissive woman's love for her Dom, is mountains above a vanilla woman's love for her husband. It just is.

This is NOT a game!

I love you. I want you. I need you. I am yours I am your devoted submissive. I don't play with others. I don't cum unless I'm with you, my pleasure belongs to you. My heart, my mind, my body my devotion, my desire, I give all of these to you, my Sir. I do not give these things lightly, carelessly, I give them to the one who I have chosen to own me. This is not a game that I play, this is not just sex, this is my life. You are my lifeline. Words are not enough to express how much you mean to me.

I am afraid though. Afraid that I am a fool. Afraid of being hurt. Afraid of being lied to. Afraid that you don't put enough value on my gift. Afraid that I am being played.  Afraid that I am just one of your many women. Afraid that you will grow tired of me.

The Munch

Saw some  people there that I knew from the play party at Kelly and Leslie's
I Met a woman. She seems very nice.
She has offered to be my friend and we can go out and do things together. She's a Domme. Well. A switch really.
She says she likes men and women. She says she used to try to seduce people, but now she's only looking for friends.
I am not interested in her like that. But I do admire her confidence. I'm very glad that she wants to be my friend.
I also met a Dom. He was nice,  but kind of scary. Matthew. He's from Quebec and going back there shortly.
He is definitely not my type.
He reminded me of Popeye.
It was nice to be around like minded people. I didn't see Bear or Pixie though.
Spent time talking with CuteAmanda. She's a transgender male to female. She's taking hormones to make her more of a woman.

A dream

Just woke up from a strange dream. It was a party then it was over. Marlena was there and Marc wired place like a dungeon many rooms. Lots and lots if people. I was trying to find some thing. We were leaving. It was a long drive. Marc left in a cab and left us there.
Weird

My heart is singing

I am so in love!
;)

Better Now

He woke up.
We had a lovely chat.
It's all OK.
;)

Angry

I wanted to write about my first Munch.
But I'm too angry.
G said we could talk when I got home. But he feel asleep.
Not the first time.
Whatever!
Really bugs me, makes me feel like I am not very important to him.
Makes me want to turn off my phone so that he can't reach me. So he can see what it feels like.

Maybe I just need to be fucked!

By my Dom!

Update...
It seems as though that was the cure.
;)

Tired / Angry

I'm tired and in a rotten mood.
Angry at everything and everyone!
I just want to lash out!
I want to hit something!
I don't really know why.

That wasn't very submissive of you... He says....
Well he's not always Dominant either!
I am so so angry.
I don't even understand why.
I just feel like telling him to fuck off. Not forever. Just for now.
I won't do it. Because that's not what I really want. But this anger in me is hard to control.
I'm struggling.
He says "get it done"
I'm Thinking...
"How about you go fuck yourself and I'll do whatever the hell I want!"
Of course I don't say it. Of course I'll do what he says, even though obeying him is pissing me off today.
I don't even know why. He truly hasn't done anything wrong.
But I just feel like telling him to get the fuck away from me. To leave me alone.
That's not what I really want.
Ugh!
So what the fuck is wrong with me?

September 12th - Friday Night

It's Friday, I spent the afternoon and evening with my daughter. It was actually fun. It's nice to work with her sometimes. :)

I messaged G when I got home. He was busy, on the phone, so he didn't message me back right away, although he probably did read my message, he has figured out, if he doesn't click on the box, he can read the message but we (meaning me and his baby girls) won't know that he is there. But, I know, he is probably there but just busy.
That got me to thinking... (gets me into trouble I know LOL)

I was thinking, G must have a challenge scheduling time for all of us. I mean he has two baby girls, a pet and a submissive, plus a wife and grown kids. Not to mention other friends and family who want his time .A scheduling nightmare! LOL.

I don't usually worry too much or think too much about that. I mean, it's not my issue, not my responsibility. And I certainly would not give up any of MY time with him, that is... if I knew that is what I was doing, he would never tell me if that was the case, it would not go over well. Our time together is precious to me, and while I wish no ill on any of the others, they are not my concern, they are his. It's up to him to take care of all of us, he chose to take on the responsibility so it's up to him to live up to his commitments.

That being said, I am by no means suffering. He is almost always available to me when I need him. And if not, usually it's not very long until he is. I don't believe that another Dom would give me this much time. Well not an online Dom. Perhaps a real life one. But, if and that is a big huge IF, IF I ever do have a real life Dom, he will have to be monogamous. I cannot and will not completely give myself to another Dom whom I have to share with others. I won't give up G because of it, but I don't like it, and I will never ever choose it again. Perhaps if we were both allowed to play with others it might work, but I doubt it.

Tomorrow night is the September Munch. I am planning to go. I'm excited, I hope I don't chicken out. I really really want to be a part of this community. The kinky community. I feel wanted and accepted with my kinky friends. Lots of hugs. LOL

G is having a shower, then he's coming back to say goodnight.
He said he was on the phone... I wonder if he was having phone sex with someone else.  I am not dwelling on that, it just crosses my mind.

He is very very good at what he does. LOL
I never knew, before him, that phone sex could be so satisfying.
He really blew me away when we first met. :)
And now that I know, I can never seem to get enough.
By the day after, I am wanting him again. LOL
I love hearing his voice, I love seeing him on cam. I love even just texting with him.
He is my world. Without him, I fear I might not even exist.

My landlord...

The landlord is coming today, he said he wants to talk to me... So I've been stressed out since I spoke with him on the phone yesterday.
*sigh*
I wonder what I did wrong.

When I think of him now...

When I think of him even my heart smiles.
My pussy clenches.
His name, his voice, his image all are synonymous with pleasure.
The more he makes me cum the more I am his. The more I want to be his.
I'm growing closer to him.
The bad feelings from months ago are almost non existent, just vague shadows without form.
When I think of him now, I don't feel pain, or jealousy, or upset. I only feel happiness, calmness, and of course lust.
I just want to hold him and kiss him and love him.
I want to care for him.
I want to give him everything.
Everything I am.
I love him so very much.
<3

I just want to save this

G:

I had to read what you liked

I'm here and I read that post of" if you call her yours"

Although we are not together physically I can do a lot of those things on the list, things that I want to do for you, things I want to be consistent about. I just want you to know how proud I am that you are mine, and that you have given me the privilege of being your dominant.

Julie I love you.

Me: 

You are the most amazing man My Love.

I am so very glad that you are my Dom.

Thank you for choosing me. :)

And this is the post he was referring to..... 

If you call her YOURS make sure you:

Put her first.

Give her attention.

Show her affection.

Keep your promises to her.

Don't ignore her.

Tell her the truth.

Make time for her.

Worship her.

Enjoy her.

Use her.

Make her laugh.

Wipe away her tears.

Hug her.

Nurture her.

Encourage her.

Push her limits.

Praise her.

Discipline her.

Please her.

Reassure her.

Beat her the way she likes it.

Beat her the way she needs it.

Own her.

Compliment her.

Love her.

Pleasure her.

Hold her hand.

Are available for her.

Support her.

Collar her.

Mark her.

Fuck her.

Make love to her.

Tell her she's a good girl.

Tell her you're proud of her.

Tell her she pleases you.

Tell her what you're thinking.

Keep her secrets.

Build her up.

Cook for her.

Wash her.

Give her a massage.

Open the door for her.

Don't let her get lost.

Don't forget her.

Spoil her.

Respect her.

Teach her.

Accept all of her personalities.

Pour wax on her.

Take care of yourself for her.

Better yourself for her.

Make decisions for her.

Monitor her progress.

Are consistent with her.

I know that every dynamic is different....and that is what makes this all so special......but if you make a commitment to take care of her and call her "YOURS" please be sure that you honor that responsibility by not becoming the person that ends up hurting or neglecting her

Copyright 2014 by Hemene_ashaya. All rights reserved

He Loves Me

I think he really does love me.
*happy sigh*
I'm starting to really believe it.
Thinking of him makes me smile.
He makes me so happy.
:)

Happy

I was so blissfully happy when I first met G. I remember.

Love knows nothing

Am I such a silly fool.
To fall in love with a man who is in love with another.
Is it foolish to want him, to need him, to admire him even.
When the other knows nothing of me, of us.
Do I risk more than I am capable of losing.
What does love know.
Love knows nothing.
But love rules.
Along side of lust.
The two in a constant struggle to be the one in power.
While reason is bound in chains and left to die.
Who will be the victor love or lust.
Perhaps neither

Love

To love and be loved is life itself without which we are nought.

Good news

Got my check!
Yaaaa!!!!

Just spent time with G

I'm very emotional today.
G and I were just together.
Amazing orgasms as I've come to expect. lol.
He needed to hang up.
I wasn't talking. I was just being quiet and enjoying being connected to him, albeit electronically.
I can tell when it's a struggle for him to stay with me after.
Even though I know he'd rather be doing anything besides be on the phone with me, I'm not willing to just hang up.
I get it, sometimes, after sex, men get like a burst of positive energy. And they need to use it. They have a need to accomplish something, usually physical. I know that. But if I suggest, or let him leave me too soon, I get weepy and irrational... Well... Not every time, but sometimes.
I think I'm OK today. I am in a melancholy mood. But still OK.

I think I'll go and make myself a toasted tomato sandwich. lol

Memories

Memories of M keep invading my mind.
The early days. The good times. Upsetting me.
Choking back waves of utter sadness.
Sometimes I wonder, because it does seem to just hit me out if no where...
And I know it sounds crazy.
But, maybe these feelings are his.
Maybe, somehow, I'm still in tune with his emotions. I know, I know, it's very out there, unlike me to postulate such a hypothesis but, it makes sense to me.

Ugh!
Why, why did I give this man 19 years of my life.

I just want to say...

I am very much in love with my Sir!
*happy sigh*

Happy

I just want to say that right now, this minute, I'm happy!
I just wanted to capture that, before it slips away.

Just had a wonderful, non-sexual conversation with G.

*happy sigh*

I will sleep peacefully tonight.

Smiling.

It's Morning

I've been having a dream about M.
*sigh*
There are many things I miss.
He was not entirely bad.
I know that he loved me, loves me.
Sometimes though love just isn't enough.
I know that we can never get back together. Ever. It's much too dangerous now that I know what he's capable of.
For years and years I've been telling him, trying to explain the concept... that you can choose your actions, but, you do not get to choose the consequences of your actions.

I was just going to type, perhaps if I made different choices, but that is a mind trap. The fact is, I didn't, and there's no going back.

I have to stop feeling responsible for the way everyone feels.
I've been reading a lot about Empaths, sometimes I think that perhaps that's my biggest issue. It's because I can feel the anguish of others. It's not scientific (well at least not yet) but I do seem to be very in tune with how others are feeling.

OK, going to sleep for a bit longer.
Good morning. lol

STOP IT!

Stop making shit up in your head that makes you sad!!
Stop it!!
Right now!!

My mind is a vicious trap!

It never allows me to remain happy.

His Voice His Words

I was with G tonight, it was very amazing to be with him.
He took me to a very hot place.
His words paint the picture so vividly in my mind. He describes it all so well.
He was shaving me, with a straight razor. I know, it seems like an odd thing to have turn me on. lol. It's not the act in itself, it's the level of trust to allow my Sir to do that. It's exhilarating, it's freeing. It allows me to let go, to let my guard down, to relinquish control to him. The mental mind fuck is very hot, very... addictive. I crave letting go like that. I crave being his to do with as he pleases. His property.
I can still hear his voice in my head.
Someday I want to feel his hands in my body.
Taking control. Taking what's his and using it how he pleases.
God I just love him so fucking much!
So fucking much!
I am his. That's ALL I want.
*happy sigh*

Love Everyone

Trust No One!

G says

He won't mention it again.
He says, I'm his for as long as I'm happy.
I've stopped crying.
I'm feeling better.
Thinking about coffee!

:)

I wish I wasn't just temporary

I wish he would stop talking about me finding someone else.
I know he felt bad for bringing it up last night.
It was really a bad time to do that.
He had taken me very deep, in my mind, I was there, in the room, being claimed by him just as he was describing. Submitting to him utterly and completely. I was his 100% no question in my mind.
Then, he reminds me. It's only temporary.
:'(
It's just, how can I give myself to him, when he keeps reminding me that our relationship is "just for now".
He keeps saying how he wants me to find someone else to love.
It makes me pull back from him.
It makes me afraid.
It makes me sad.
I do understand, he doesn't want me to be lonely, and he wants good things for me, I mean rationally, it makes perfect sense and I get it, appreciate it. But emotionally, it hurts.

The most amazing night!

Tonight G made me his again.
Tonight he pulled me back from the abyss.
I didn't realize how much I needed him, missed him, how far away I was.
I cried uncontrollable tears.
Tears from the amazing journey he took me on with his words.
I was/am his, his submissive, his property. Just his.

Long Day

Just came home from my daughter's.
Well. A bit ago.
It was a good visit. But stressful too.
I'm not approving of what's happening with my granddaughter.
I don't think she's treated well. She's not abused exactly. But I just think the adults in the house are too hard on her.
I think I'll just bring her here or take her out instead of going there to visit.

G is at music. We've had a few texts today. But very limited communication.
He has company still and his wife is off work this week. I'm sure he's feeling very stifled, and misses me and his baby girls. He usually talks to me much more. I know, if it was me, and it was, it would make me very irritable. I hated not be able to talk to him when I needed him. It was awful. And admittedly, I handled it badly.
I miss him. I'm feeling very far from him. I'm feeling disconnected. Drifting.
Not sure of him. I know it can't be helped. I'm just saying how I feel.
I've been thinking about saving up my money so I can go on vacation, to Dallas to see him.
But perhaps he wouldn't want that.
I don't really know what he wants. I mean, as far as our relationship goes. He said, once things settle down, once I'm settled in my new place, and things on his end are back to normal, he said we can explore a deeper relationship. I do like the sound of that. I want to be closer to him. But, I don't know really how to accomplish that. I'm not sure that he knows either. I mean. He is a good man, and he is dominant in nature, but that's not the same thing as being a Dom to a submissive woman.
I'm a little nervous about it.

I'm feeling kind of sad about M. My granddaughter who's 3 asked me about her Papa. I told her he's living with her Oma now. It was sad for me. But she took it well.
It's all such a sad situation. It just didn't HAVE to be this way. I was willing to stay married and just have my G. But he was too jealous, he couldn't handle it. And honestly, I couldn't handle him anymore either. G was the only person keeping me sane and safe.

I don't know if it's just this week, being so disconnected from G. But I do feel that he leaves me on my own a lot more than he used to. He rarely checks on me, and when he does, it appears as though he doesn't read my response. I guess it doesn't really matter anyway. I mean, if I was upset, there's nothing he can do, not even listen. At least not at the moment.
I didn't leave my husband for G. But, G has given me some much needed confidence. I stopped just giving in to M's unreasonable requests.  It's sad. Sad that M and I couldn't have stayed together. I know he misses me terribly and I certainly feel like a first class bitch for leaving him, for hurting him.

I'm finding myself becoming increasingly impatient where G is concerned. Perhaps again its just our lack of contact lately. I don't know for sure. I just find that some of the things he does irritate me. But. I probably do things that irritate him too. Like going on about something too long.
It does really really really bug me that he wrote such a hot story with Justarush. Not that he wrote it with her per ce, but that he couldn't, or at least hasn't written one like that with me. I think I bore him now. I'm no longer new and interesting. This is not me putting myself down, this is me assuming how he's feeling based on his actions or lack thereof. Which, is not a very wise thing to do. I honestly don't know what he thinks. He says, oh I just haven't had time. Well, he had time for her story. I guess if you're his submissive then it's not as important. I feel like he takes me for granted. I mean either that or he just would not be all that upset if our relationship ended... Open Hand.... And all that...

I am getting further and further away from him as the days pass. It makes me sad and a little afraid. And it makes me start noticing other men. Looking. No touching. Although, he does, not physically mind you, but if he wanted to cybersex with another woman, he would. I think he believes that as a Dom, he has that right. So then, why should he get my devotion, my gift of submission and I get set aside for the latest damsel in distress. As far as I know, he has been making me a priority, instead of, like in the beginning, I was just an option.
Relationships are so freaking complicated. And D/s ones even more so. And what I feel today, think today, may not be the same tomorrow, usually isn't.
All I know for sure right now is...
I love him and I want to remain his submissive.

Too quiet

It's too quiet in my apartment.
So I'm sitting in my car listening to the radio. lol

Maybe I'm a little bit bratty

Or perhaps he's spoiled me.

Feeling a little down

I hate it so much when G and I have angry, or even, difficult words.

I can't stand it when I disappoint him, let him down, or piss him off.

But sometimes I feel stifled.
Like I can't say what is on my mind because he might not like it.
I don't always feel that way. Just sometimes.

I just want to be with him.
I just want to be closer to him.
I do feel him pulling away from me.
But maybe it's just because we've had so little time together.
Not even time to talk let alone have sex.
*sigh*
I miss him so much.
I cried after I was with him today.
It was just so much.
So much missing him.

I am just lying in my bed. Writing this. Crying. Alone. Missing him.
Wishing I had never even mentioned the shirt thing. :'(
It's so sad.
It's all my fault.
:'(
It's a struggle to even care about anything when things don't feel right between me and G.

I'm not like "them" I'm like ME!

Finally had time with G today.
Not a long time, but still it was amazing.

Then I go and fuck it up.
Lost my temper.

I asked him if he would send me an old shirt of his. His response was...
"You want one of my shirts?"
It sounded to me like he thought I was insane for asking such a thing.
He said nothing more about it, while we were on the phone, he just immediately said he had to go.
That bothered me. So I texted him...
This is our conversation...

__________________________
Me:
I hope I didn't scare you with my request. I was thinking, just an old shirt that doesn't fit you anymore that you would just give away anyway. Just to feel closer to you, just to have something that your hands have touched. Does that sound too weird to you. I have read that submissives in LDRs find it comforting.

Him:
That isn't weird at all baby girl. Andrea has two or three of my t-shirts

(That really got to me, it bugs me that he's always comparing me, our relationship, to his other women, or his previous submissives)

Me:
Grrr. Ugh!
I understand. But dammit!

Him:
What do you mean baby girl?

Me:
I wish you'd quit relating EVERYTHING we do to what you did with Andrea. *sigh*
Good for fucking her!!! I don't care if she has your whole damn wardrobe

Him:
I can do that baby. I'm sorry I didn't mean to hurt your feelings

Me:
It's fine

Him:
I won't bring it up anymore unless you ask about her

Me:
I know it was an innocent comment
It's not jealousy
You don't hear me saying, oh ya, I did that with Marc. Or whoever. Just making the point that its NOT jealousy

And if you sent her shirts, then why the stunned reaction when I mentioned it? I know your busy, I don't expect you to answer right now

Him:
That did piss me off just a little bit. You need to know that
And I don't see anything in my comments it indicates a stunned reaction.

Me:
It's not in the comments
We were on the phone

Him:
I'll talk to you when I get free

Me:
Fine

(Then me, being afraid of him being angry at me and leaving me)

Me:
I'm sorry, I got angry. I love you.
________________________

*sigh*
I just want to be me...
I want us to be us.

I just hate hearing...
"You're just like this person"
Or
"ya we can do that... I did that with so and so."

I don't know if he understands that.

I have nothing against Andrea.
I love that he is still close with her, it tells me that he won't just forget about me. It's not about her. I like when he tells me how she's doing. She's important to him. What's important to him is important to me.

What  I don't like is that he brings her up, and not just her, but others, in a comparative context.

I am unique. I am special.
I'm not "like" (whoever).
I'm like ME!

We talked. But I think he's still mad at me, he says because I went on about it. But I think it's because I appeared to be disrespecting Andrea.
Wasn't my intention.
But it does get under my skin.
Apparently she was perfect and no one could ever be as good, or as nice or as wonderful or as submissive as she was.
*sigh*
I guess, maybe, it's because she never showed jealousy, so he never had to deal with it. Because she was not as needy as me. I don't know.
I do feel like I'm always trying to live up to her seemingly perfect track record.
"Andrea never did ___  "
"Andrea was so good at ___"
"Andrea was the love of my life"
"Andrea invited my other submissive over for thanksgiving"
"Andrea is a good Christian woman"
"Andrea is a virgin and saving herself for marriage" (however if she's ever used a dildo than that's BS)
Andrea!
Andrea!
ANDREA!!!!!!!!!

I AM SO SICK OF HEARING HOW I AM OR AM NOT "LIKE" ANDREA!!!
I AM SICK TO DEATH OF HEARING HOW HE DID "WHATEVER IT IS WE'RE DOING" WITH ANDREA!
SMH
UGH!!

Ranting over. I know sometimes I get carried away. I just felt so frustrated.

He did apologize.
Said he didn't see it as comparing.
And well, it was more that he was/ has associated things we do, things I ask, back to his relationship with Andrea.
I don't know if he even knew why he was apologizing.

Perhaps I am too much for him to handle. I do try to be good.
*sigh*

Oh and I just remembered.

Andrea and him wrote the most wonderful and special role play that could ever have been written! 

So I have nothing to give him.

He has already had the best, anything else, anyone else, pales in comparison.

G

He called. Well technically I called. But he told me to.
He was very aroused.
Wanting me.
Wanting to cum.
It was amazing just talking to him for those few minutes.
He made me cum.
I love cumming for him.
It settles me. Calms me.
To have his voice in my ear to have his words taking me away. Away to where we are together.
Him pinching and pulling my nipples. Him sucking, licking and biting my clit.
Reaching his fingers deep inside me.
Stroking my G spot. Taking what's his. Touching what's his. Knowing he owns me and I have no say. Knowing he will do what he wants, he will use my body how he wants. Knowing he is hard for me, that he wants to cum with me.
Fuck!!!
I am his. *sigh*

Lonely

Here in my new apartment.
Alone.
G is busy.
May not see him all week.
I have no internet anyway. So we can't cam. I miss seeing him. Talking to him.
Watching a movie, no cable, no internet. Nothing to keep my brain occupied. No one to talk to. I could unpack. But I just don't feel up to it.
Oh my daughter just commented on FB. Maybe I can talk to her for a while.

And Another One

He's got another one, another "friend" another 20 year old baby girl.
*sigh*
From yesterday, when he was "too busy" and had no time for me.
But apparently he had time to go trolling on Fet.
*sigh*
Haven't heard from him today since 10 am. *sigh* it's almost 4pm.
I know that she's home today and so he has very little time.
I miss him.

He says he sent her a friend request several days ago and she only just accepted it yesterday.
Seems reasonable.

Actions

G has been my rock.
He has been my shoulder to cry on, my friend to laugh with, my Dom when I need release, he has not blocked me, or disappeared, he tries hard not to upset me, well, maybe not that hard. But he does give me a heads up about potentially upsetting things.
I know that he loves me, in his own way, like he says "with an open hand".
*sigh*
I wish he'd close his hand and hold on tightly, else I might float away.

Long Day

Mostly on my own.
Sometimes this still feels like a bad dream. Like this can't be happening.
I thought M and I would grow old together. Or did I? Perhaps that was the dream.
Sigh.
Tired now, going to play my game until I fall asleep.

My Apartment

I now have my bed. Such a relief.

Stress

So much stress.
Eating away at me.
The  old apartment.
ODSP
My daughters.
No help. Or not much.
Sad.
Very few people I can depend on.
No reason to keep going.
Nothing to live for.
What's the point of all this.
Just suffer until you die.
No happiness. No joy. Just sadness, heartache, betrayal, loss, hopelessness, loneliness.
I trust no one.
No one!
They only let me down.
I am alone in this world.

One of many, insignificant.

Feeling very insignificant.
Feeling like he could leave me and not give it a second thought.
He has so many so called "friends". I am just one of many.
He doesn't NEED me.
He says I'm special, because I'm his submissive. It's just a word.
I am disposable to him.
At least that's how I feel.
He doesn't write with me, though he says he needs to write. Perhaps he doesn't like my writing but is afraid of hurting my feelings.
Always with another woman, always another " friend".
*sigh*
No woman will ever be enough for him. He craves the chase, he craves the exploration and newness of just meeting someone. After that, he forces himself to pretend to still be interested when he'd rather be on the prowl for fresh meat.
I love him. :( Yes it's sad because loving him hurts. Sometimes.
I don't always feel like this.
But today I do.
I wonder if he's having sex with shesadaddiesgirl... They seem to have a connection. Their comments seem to imply more than what's on the surface.
I think he likes the cloak and dagger, he likes the sneaking, and subterfuge.  I don't really know why he wants me.
I do find it sad.
I could have, would have opened myself to him completely. The gift I wanted to give him was/is precious. While, I am his, and want to be, I do hold back. I'm still a little afraid of him. I'm afraid he will hurt me again. I'm afraid that he doesn't take our relationship as seriously as I do. I've been hurt too much. Enough.
Why, why did he have to hurt me too.
It's so sad, so very sad.
If that hadn't happened he would have complete and utter control of me. Perhaps it's a good thing then really. It made me reel myself in a bit.
Crying now, balling my eyes out.
I believed he was honorable, I believed he was trustworthy, I believed he had integrity, but the no one is and no one does.
EVERYONE is going to hurt you, the trick is finding those worth suffering for.
No man can ever be trusted. Ever!
G is a good man.
But even he cannot be trusted.
Men do not understand the concept of loyalty when it comes to women.
I am so broken.
So unwilling to trust anyone. So afraid to give myself completely.
Now I may never get to experience the depth of submission that I crave.
Because I can never truly trust anyone ever again.

:(