Broken like a wild horse, then loved as a beloved possession.

My message to G

I have been chatting with KC. About my being so jealous and what I can do to stop. I think I understand more about what happened today. I think I was challenging your control, although I didn't know it. I'm not crying, I'm OK. I hope you have a good night at music. And I truly thank you for not allowing me to have control. I have to let you be in control, not me. I believe I needed that harsh of a correction from you. I love you and I actually feel more yours because of it, if that makes any sense.

He said... It does. You're mine.
*sigh*
Happy subbie again. SMH.

Broken

I am broken.
Not sure if I will ever mend.
It hurts so much.
He has put up with so much from me.
Perhaps I am just toxic.
It does seem that I break everything. Even myself.

Lost

I made G very angry.
He said he wants me to start looking for a new Dom.

I'm very sad.
I really fucked up.
Without him I am lost.

Today at the apartment. :)

Today was such a lovely day.
This afternoon I was able to REALLY spend time with G. It was amazing. I love cumming for him. I love his voice in my ear, telling me to cum. It's so fucking hot!
I gushed many times. It feels so fucking good.
I'm so sleepy now.
I'm so very happy inside. Content.*sigh* ;)

Wanting

I serve you and your buddies drinks and food. Naked. For your pleasure.
You run your fingers over my clit when I bring yours.
Then reach up and pinch and pull my nipples. Telling me, "now don't you spill those drinks"
No one can touch me but you. They can only watch.
You bend me face down on the table, you slap my ass several times until its very pink.  I'm dripping wet now, as you reach your hand between my legs fingering my clit until you make me cum. Loud. And hard.
Then you unzip your pants, take out your hard cock and fuck me hard and deep. You make me cry out with each thrust.
Deeper. Harder. Faster.
I gush over and over.
Then, when you can't take it anymore, you release your load of cum deep inside my cunt. Breeding me. Owning me.

mmm If only...

Sadness

But no tears.
The feelings are too deep even for that.
What's done is done.
There's no going back and nothing to go back to anyway.
Reasons mean nothing now.
The house that once was my home has burned to the ground.
It's Nothing but ashes now.
And debt. A debt that will be forever owed has taken its place.
It seems a crime has been committed but not the way you might imagine.
The crime was in my experiencing of some fleeting moments of happiness, nigh sheer joy, fulfillment, contentment....
But it's gone, the mundane insanity is also gone.
I am left with naught but memories.
Memories of passion that refused to be quelled.
Memories of submission to the one I worshipped.
It was all just a dream.
The one, as I have painfully come to know, is just a man. Fallible, fault ridden and not entirely trustworthy. He will lie, to anyone, to get what he wants, I have seen, heard, and been the one lied to, so I know.
Is it an addiction. Perhaps.
I still love so many things about him.
So many.

Gone

My old life.
And I don't have a new one yet. : (

More myself

Feeling much better. More centered.

My Email to G

Why you being with other women bothers me so much... Here's my theory...

When you cum with other women, your desire for sex, after that, is less. (Of course) and in turn making your desire to be with me less. Even if I'm not consciously aware of it, it affects me. Even if you try to pretend you're horny, it's just not the same.

I'm not comparing you... just saying what I've experienced.

M was masturbating by himself, and so had no desire for me, which hurt me greatly, as you know.

So my theory is, that in my mind, when you cum with other women you are giving them your desire for sex, leaving less for me, the same as he was doing, and I feel like you're giving away to some other woman something that should be mine. Giving your strongest desire to a woman who has NOT given herself to you completely as I have, a woman who is allowed to get her needs met elsewhere because she doesn't belong to you, as opposed to me, having only you to meet all of my sexual needs. I feel as if you expect my submission and obedience but don't place enough value on it. A little like... being taken for granted... I guess.

This is what I want and NEED...

I need you to desire ME. I need to sense that desire in you.
I want you to want me so badly that it's all you can think about. (Not ALL the time of course)
But, if you're getting your needs met elsewhere, than you truly don't NEED me. 
I want to be needed...I need, to be needed.
Like when you used to say...
"I really needed you tonight"
You don't say that anymore. :(.

Anyway...
So... That's my theory...
What's your take on it? 
I want to know your thoughts.

;) I love you!! 
Kisses

So nice

To hear your voice.

A few minutes

Just a few minutes on the phone with you and I'm whole again.

Better

I spoke with G. I don't know how he does it but he always makes me feel better.

I wish

I wish a strong, sane, trustworthy Dom would come and claim me, make me his one and only and take away all this pain.

What's wrong with me

Why did my H lose interest in me. Why does G constantly search for new women.

Am I just not good enough for any man.

G just chases everything in a skirt, it's so hard to take. He has lost interest in me I can tell. And he will lose interest in the others. He only likes the chase, once I was his, he's gotten bored with me and tosses me aside, or rather puts me on shelf to admire his possession and moves on to the next one.
Why am I not enough for him.
What's wrong with me?

I am so very very sad.
There is no happiness in my life.
G only stays with me because he feels he has to.
My H wants me dead.
I am nothing.
I know that G will just continue hurting me.
His sexual conquests and "the chase" of other women will always take priority over me, he would rather end our relationship than stop chasing women. He's a player. That's who he is and it's hard to accept. And it hurts. That's he's not who he pretended to be in the beginning. I got fooled. And now I'm in love with him and being with him or being without him both are equally painful. I will never be happy. :(.

What kind of a day will i have...

One of the counselors here says she asks herself every day when she wakes up.

A dream, it seems

While getting ready for bed I had an odd feeling. As all that has happened is just a dream. For a moment it seemed like it's not real. Even like M is not real. I feel disconnected from reality. It's strange.

Smiling

Feeling happy.... Makes me feel guilty.
What right do I have to be feeling happy when H is in jail.

Taking things from the apartment. :(

Home. Well. At the shelter.
Been a very long, very sad day.
Took a lot of my stuff from the apartment. Feeling very guilty. Like I don't deserve those things. Like I am the bad one. I am the one who destroyed our marriage.
Like I didn't give him a chance to try to fix things.
Like I deserved to be beaten the way I was.
Because I went on Fet. Because I have my relationship with G.

My nose is fractured. Two black eyes. Bruised hands and arms.
Still I am so very sad for him, more than myself.
I think because I know I'm strong and I'll be ok. But he is not as strong as me. He needed me and I have abandoned him betrayed him.
But. Maybe that's the control he had. Using my need to help others to keep me trying to help him all these years.
I really need to learn to listen to good advice.

I wish things were not this way. I wish he was not in jail. I wish I had not pushed him to the breaking point. He is broken. He needs help. Perhaps he'll get it now.
Perhaps it had to be this way fit him to get the help he needs.
I don't know.
I just think, he's not a bad person.
He just did a bad thing.

Then worries about Grizz sneak in. Worries about him with other women. Stupid. Double standard. I don't know what's wrong with me.
But I will sure as hell find out!

Feeling better

I spoke with him. He said "stop it"  and it was all good again. I don't understand it. But. That's how it is.

Very upset

He added another one. He's obviously having sex with her. I am nothing to him. Just a convenient piece of ass. It's sad.

You

I was feeling sad and all alone. Then I talked to you for a few minutes and it's amazing how much better I feel. ;)

Everything and anything

Car trouble yuck.
So no car today to get stuff done. But, I did go to the gym first. Yaaaa

Marc is trying my patience. Endless talking about not emphasizing negative emotions. It's very tiring.

Going to meet with the housing lady. Hopefully I can get into gti.

The weekend

Arrived back in Orillia today around 11am. I was gone camping for the weekend. It's the family reunion.
I had a really great time. Despite a little bit of a hiccup between me and H. It went well.

We shared a tent and the air mattress... no sex... but we did cuddle.
As G says, something keeps drawing us back together.

I discovered, I do, do things to hurt my H, which saddens me greatly.
H went to bed early on Sat night... so here is what happened

We were all drinking, beer, me wine, whatever, I was drunk, and we ran out of beer. I knew H had some left in our cooler in the tent. So I sent my nephew to get it. And he brought out the whole cooler, which was fine with me....

Well H woke up, wanted a beer, and guess what, the cooler was missing.
He came out to the campfire, he was really really angry.
I swear on all I love until that very second I had no idea that what I was doing was so disrespectful.

H says, you gave away all my beer? I was speechless, but managed, um you were sleeping, lame I know.
He says, it was so disrespectful, he says, I am nothing to you, this proves it, you would never have done that to someone else (he's right I wouldn't have). I all of a sudden realized he was right. It was really fucked up. Why would do such a thing, I mean, I could have woken him and asked him. Perhaps I didn't want to wake him up because I was having more fun without him. Perhaps I do have deep seated anger that manifests itself this way. I would like to discuss this with a proper counselor. What the hell was I thinking! I really really don't know. At the time I saw nothing at all wrong with what I did. It's like common sense got up and left. And I just don't agree that it was because I was drunk. Now, and this is a big confession... I did take one toke on a joint, but, it was only to see if it would help with my pain, really. And I actually do think it did help.  Even so, no excuse. What the hell was wrong with me? UGH!

I definitely believe now that H has some kind of mental illness and that having to deal with it for all of these years has weighed me down, and worn me down. And now, I am just done. And it's hard to fix it now.

I actually do think that the weed did help. I was in almost no pain on Sat night and Sun morning. Well most of Sunday really. Now I'm swollen and achy all over. And it's less toxic than the meds I take. I want to try it again. By itself and see if it helps me.

Alone

I'm alone.
I guess I'd better just get used to it.
The only person I can count on is me.

No sleep

Just endless mental torment.

The Husband

Been talking with Marc for an hour. Trying to comfort him. He was upset and angry. I said sorry many times.
He was angry that I broke the agreement, not to talk to G on the weekend.

Then he says I need to take at least a month off of talking to G and break off all contact with my friends from FetLife. Or our marriage is over. I said no. He said some nasty things and then said "Nice knowin ya" and hung up.

I just had a revelation, one reason that I stay or keep going back is because he will out me to my whole family and his family. I'm afraid of that. I've given him way too much ammunition that he can use against me. Sigh.

I'm not going back to the torture chamber. I know I'm kinky, but going back there and giving up my friends is not safe, sane or consensual.

He doesn't trust me. I don't blame him. I wish I had just left him and not tried to figure out a better way. I didnt want to abandon him. But I want to be happy too. If I go back there, if I did as he asks, I would be so very sad. I truly believe I would end up killing myself. Go back. To what. Suffering through hours of rhetorical repetitive mutterings. No. Not doing it. I'm actually happy where I am. Wish I could stay here.

Am I an evil horrible person.
Maybe I am.

July 8, 2:12 am

Spent most of the day teasing Grizz. LOL.
Got myself very worked up in the process.

Spent some "special" time with him tonight on the phone. mmm just wish I didn't have to be so damn quiet! LOL

Thinking of him now as I lay here. Even though I'm alone, he's with me.
I can feel his love and his warmth even though we're thousands of miles apart.
I do love him so.
Wish I could wrap my arms around him now. Fall asleep beside him.
My Sir. MyLove. My Dom. *sigh*
The only way I could be happier right now is if he could really come here and really fuck me.

But, he has a wife, and a family there. I am a fantasy, a second life. I will never be more than that. But it is wonderful to be his fantasy.
When we are together the rest of the world seems far far away.
I hope he will always remember me. And gets hard when he does... LOL.
I want his fucking hands on me so fucking badly. Grabbing my hips, me on my knees, slamming his cock deep inside me. Fuck yes!!!!

I want to touch him, smell his scent hear his voice. I WANT!!!!!!!!!! HIM!!!!!!!!

But. He is not mine to have. Not really.
I wish I had married a man more like him.

In another place and time, another reality, he and I are together. Having amazing sex almost every night (because we'll need a night to recover lol). His hands reddening my ass, keeping me in line. Claiming me at his whim. Knowing I have given myself to him completely. I am his property to use as he pleases. I want to be owned used for his pleasure.
I imagine, he doesn't allow panties and only dresses or skirts. And he will bend me over, lift my skirt and fuck me any where he wants.
He will walk by me, in the kitchen, while I cook dinner, reach his hand under my skirt, (checking that I have obeyed), part my pussy lips with his fingers and then push them deep inside me. mmm fuck yes. Then he would bring his pussy juice soaked fingers to his lips and suck my juices off of them. "mmm My Good girl" he would say and slap my ass hard. mmm the glorious sting!!! mmm mmm

July 7,2014 the afternoon.

It's 2:30pm. Got up at noon. Haven't been to the pool yet. I am putting it off. I'm sure why. I just don't feel like doing much of anything today. I'm going to message Grizz and beg for permission to not go. I'll go tomorrow. I just feel like I need today off. We'll see what he says.

We had a wonderful conversation last night. No sex. But still wonderful. ;)
He said, "You know where your place is." I didn't say anything so he said it again more of a serious question. "You know where your place is? Right?"
I said yes, meaning that I know I have a place in his life and in his heart.
He said "Your place is right here beside me" it touched my heart, and the tone of his voice put me in that submissive mindset that I've been missing. In that moment I was his, and nothing else mattered. *sigh* It's not sex. Or at least it's not only sex that makes me his. It's his demeanor.
Sometimes I do think he's too nice to me. LOL. I know that sounds odd, but, I feel closest to him when he is more... Um... I don't know a good word, forceful maybe??

His tone of voice, is a big one. The soft, "get it done baby girl" is nice. But doesn't have the same affect as "Julie, get it done! And I don't expect to hear from you again until it is" lol.
Sounds silly I guess.

Perhaps it's that I need to know he's not going to let me walk all over him. Testing the limits. Providing proof that he is capable and worthy of being my Dom.

I have explained to him, more than once, that I'm NOT a baby girl. That I need much less coddling. And more ... Something... I don't even really know how to put it into words.

It's like, I want to hear the animal in him. I want that barely controlled lust. Not just sex though. I do love his kind and gentle nature. But I crave the rush that I get from him when he's expressing his masculine power over me. Even just in a conversation, sometimes even through text.
He's not my "Daddy Dom" although he does seem to prefer to be thought of that way. And I don't want to be a baby girl. I don't know for sure but I don't think baby girls enjoy being almost violently forced down and being told "get on your fucking knees slut" while his hand is pulling their hair. But maybe I'm wrong. I don't really know what baby girls like. I only know what I crave.
I want to be tied standing with my hands above my head. Naked. With my legs restrained, open. While he plays with my body. While he reddens my ass. Then he attaches nipple clamps and chains, and even maybe, a clit clamp, bind my breasts and slap them with a flogger. And in between blows fuck my wet pussy hard and hold a vibrator on my clit until he makes me cum over and over until I beg him for mercy.

Um. Ok. Now I'm fucking horny as hell!!!
Sigh!!!
LOL

July 7, 2014. 8:30am

Woke up this morning thinking why don't I just go home. But shook it off.
Nothing has changed. If I went back now we would soon be in the exact same situation. I know that.
And right now, as far as I know, it's not costing me anything. I may have a reduced check at the end of the month, not too sure. But it'll be fine.
It's 8:30. I want to go to the pool today, to my class, but I also don't want to get out of bed. LOL.
I'm so much happier not living with Marc.

Chatting

I just had a very nice chat with KC. All about subs and doms and baby girls. Quite interesting really.

This Afternoon

Sitting at my sister's house out back. Nobody's home.
Just pondering. Visiting with Molly, letting her run around the yard. She's having fun.
All of a sudden, missing my Dom. Strange how it comes upon me so suddenly. One minute I'm perfectly fine and the next I'm wanting him. Missing him. Wanting to hear his voice. lol.
He's busy today. It's Sunday. He goes to church and spends time with his family. It's interesting how he leads a double life. They don't know about me. Or his baby girls. Or anything about Fet Life. It surprises me that he posts his picture. What if someone who knows him happened to see it.
I'm still his. But things are different. I obey him by choice. Which yes, was always the case. But somehow it's different now.
It is true that we haven't "really" been together for a while. Due to our circumstances. I do find I don't experience subspace. While I do love his voice, it doesn't have the same affect on me as it used to. I think it does have a lot to do with the stress I'm under. Perhaps I am "pulling into myself" as he says.

This morning

I heard a door in my half asleep state I thought it was Marc. I thought I was, at home..😢. Then I remembered.😢. *sigh*

This bed is so hard. Must be what a prison mattress feels like.

10:48
On Fet. Seriously I should just delete my account, at least while I belong to G. It never ends well. I see things I don't want to see, read things I don't want to read.
Although, I'm not jealous anymore. I think it's because I don't care what he does with other women. Well, that's not entirely true. It does make me sad sometimes. Because I wish I was enough for him but I know I never will be, must be how my H feels. I think it doesn't make me as crazy upset anymore because I have pulled back from him, slightly. Perhaps to protect my heart. He is no longer my single solitary focus. Which is probably a good thing. I was neglecting my children (so they tell me).
It was beautiful. The whirlwind romance we had. It was exciting and amazing and intensely arousing. He definitely rocked my world. Now, our relationship is different. I am calmer. Not clamoring after him for attention. Though still wanting contact with him a lot. I do love him dearly. He has helped me through many upsets.
I was living in a fantasy world. Where he was my Dom and I his adoring submissive. And I loved it. Reality isn't as exciting for sure. But I glad to have him as my friend. And I hope whatever the future brings that he remains part of my life.

July 5, 2014

Today was a lovely day. I went to the pool and did a workout, then 10 wonderful minutes in the hot pool with jets giving me a very relaxing massage. Aaaahhhhh heaven! LOL

Then had my car guy check over my car, his mechanic said it needed transmission fluid, but we checked it again, after I bought some from Walmart of course, and it wasn't low. So I have no idea. But it does hesitate when coming to a stop. Kind of jumps a tiny bit. I am hoping it's not the transmission going.

Then I went to a birthday party for a 7 yr old at the roller rink and had some yummy cake.
Then went for a coffee with Marc and it turned out well. No negative emotions. :)

I really do want my marriage to work out. I do know that it's not going to happen overnight, and I can't go back right now.

I enjoyed a lovely afternoon “romp” as G would say, with my Dom. *sigh*

And then chicken fingers and salad for dinner.

What more could a girl want. LOL

All in all, a very lovely day.

He called. :)

Feeling better now. Not so lonely. *sigh* :)

July 4th

It is Independence Day in the U.S. and my "Daddy Dom" as he calls himself is celebrating with his family, so we haven't had very much contact today. I am not sad, but I am missing him, I look forward to when we can talk again.

I took my H to get cigarettes today. It was about 45 minutes in the car. I was a little nervous about getting coffee because I wore the last one, but it was all fine. We talked a little, well he talked a lot. Left me in tears because he kept saying how much he loves me. I hate hurting him.

Later I spent some time with my niece, we talked a little about it.

Then I chatted with H for a while on FB, he unblocked me, it was good. I said maybe we should date, he liked that idea. I said, I don't want a divorce, that we just need to find a different way to have a relationship.

I also spent some time filling out a form to apply for low income housing, we'll see how that goes.

I was on Fet for a bit, which is usually a mistake, because I usually come away feeling sad/confused/angry and today was no exception. I saw G was quite active, commenting and leaving messages, but he didn't initiate any contact with me during that time. He did say he would be with family all day but also I think he needed a break from me. I do get it. I am intense. A lot. And I am sure he would rather just talk fun sexy stuff with strangers. Much more entertaining. Relaxing. Perhaps I will just stop initiating messages with him and see what happens.  Perhaps he will not even realize I haven't messaged him, you know, with all his other women "friends" or perhaps he will miss me, I really don't know. The fact is, he is who he is, and he's 58, he's not about to change now, nor do I want to or do I think I even can change him. But, I do feel not very important. When all women are special to a man, then none are truly special. Well. then again, I would say, and rightly so, his wife is actually special to him, I can tell, by the way he talks about her, she is the only one who truly has his heart, and that is as it should be. But, it does mean, he can let us go, any one of us, and get over it pretty easily.

It does often seem that he's searching for another/more/new women. Is that me being insecure?? I don't think so. It is just an observation of his behaviour. Perhaps he just doesn't want to miss out on meeting that fantastic interesting person who he has yet to meet? I don't know. He says his feelings for me are genuine, but it does seem like he has the same feelings for all women, not just the ones that are supposedly "his" and he spends a great deal of time with women other than us, you would think we would be enough to keep him pretty busy but apparently not. I guess the others don't think about these things, or maybe J does, but he seems to have a great deal more influence on her than he does on me. A few songs and an occasional "I love you", just doesn't cut it with me, I need that and more. I need a 24/7 Dom. Not a part-time Daddy. I have kind of told him that. I have tried. I am a little out of touch with everything at the moment anyway. It seems as though I have no feelings, or at least no submissive feelings. I haven't felt the rush of submission in a long while it seems, well days I guess, it hasn't been that long, I think it was sometime last week. I do miss it. I don't know how to get it back. Patience. I guess.

I am still at the shelter. It is nice here, and now that I have my laptop I feel more at home. I do very much miss my Molly. We would sleep together every night. She would bring me comfort and make me feel less alone. And I know she must miss me terribly. I think I will go and get her in the morning.

At least I am not upset, I am very calm and rational. Which is nice for a change.

Feeling Lonely

I had a restless night. Still tired but can't sleep. Could be because of the pain. Takes a few days for my meds to work after I've missed a week.

Been thinking a lot about G this morning. Who he is, what kind of person he is, what kind of Dom he is. I feel kind of sad because I sense us growing apart. That fierce loyalty and all encompassing feeling of adoration has waned. I do love him, but the Rose colored glasses are gone. Now, I do realize, that I am under a lot of stress. So that could have a lot to do with it.
I love him. But I am having trouble seeing him as my Dom. I know that he would willingly and happily give me whatever I need to feel secure. And it's not that I feel insecure. I just don't feel "submissive" if that makes any sense.

I know he's very busy. He has many friends. I think he does love having sex with me. But it does seem like he's always distracted. I think maybe he's losing interest in me and I don't blame him. I think he thrives on the chase, and on new experiences. I think my need to be his only sub is stifling him. Perhaps even though we do love each other, perhaps we are just not compatible. I know he loves to flirt and I know he has cut down on doing that because of me, because it upset me and I felt insecure. Perhaps I need a stronger Dom. He is a Daddy Dom, and they are gentler and kinder. And I do love that about him. It's just, he seems very far away. With many other things on his mind. I know he has a life other than me. And so he should. Perhaps I'm just lonely.
Perhaps it has to do with NRE. But it is sad that we lost that after only 5 months. Lying or perhaps not exactly lying but keeping things from each other took its toll, and we lost something. I don't know if we can ever get it back. I feel like I am his FWB,  not his submissive.
Or maybe it's all just in my head and I'll feel better later, or tomorrow.

Remember... Do not repeat!!

Hours of repetitive talking
Anger if I don't listen
Or guilt
Smashing things
Insults, put downs
No sex, doesn't want me
Saying my interests are not important.
Not caring about my life
Having to hide things from him so that I wouldn't get lectured
Never taking part in family functions or bitching the whole time.

So. Here I am

I now have my meds, Molly's kennel and the cord for my laptop. I guess I have everything I need for now.

I talked to H this morning, he called. He wants me to tell him if I am coming back. Coming back means also breaking off ties with G and deleting my Fet account. I don't want to do that. I feel very bad for him, H, that is. But at this point in time I'm not ready to go back.
I told him, I can't just keep going back and leaving. He thinks it's all to do with G. I said, we've had issues for a long time, or G wouldn't even exist. I mean, there was a reason I was searching for a Dom. And that reason still exists. He thinks I'm playing games. Just stringing him along, but it's not like that. I just think 4 days is not long enough to get myself together and figure out what I want.
This is my life we're talking about.
Am I ready to give up on my marriage, I don't know. I can see us possibly together again down the road. But it'll be so hard for H. He needs me. I have taken care of him for all these years. But I know, he is not my child. He is a grown man. I do still feel responsible for his welfare though.
It's sad. To lose our apartment. That does make me sad. To lose A's playroom. But that is not a good reason to stay married.
I did break our agreement.
I did betray him.
He doesn't trust me.
And I'm not sure why I felt I couldn't go 2 weeks without talking to my Dom. It just seemed impossible and torturous. H says, he was trying to give me everything I wanted and that I was being unreasonable. I do agree with him. But that aside, why was I doing it?
I was very unhappy for a long time.
There are a lot of things I'll miss about being married. It was nice to have someone there even though it wasn't always happy. Nice to have someone to cook for. A warm body to sleep beside sometimes.
When I was on the phone to him, he read me the song that G wrote for his wife when she went on a trip. "It's not a home without you" He said, I guess G knows how I feel right now.
I wish he and G could have been friends. I think H would have learned a lot. It's unfortunate that I was so selfish about it. Unfortunate that I freaked out and pretty much forced G to break the agreement. It is my fault. But H was so mean, I needed my Dom. He calms me down. He helps me to see beyond my crazy emotions. To stop. And think. Rest. Not make snap decisions.
Could I ever see myself in the future willingly, happily,  giving him up? I don't know. Right now? No.

Off to dreamland

Feeling relaxed and sleepy. Goodnight.

:)

Feeling Better

It was a tough night and morning but feeling better now.
I ate, had a shower, did some laundry. And had some "private" time with my Dom. Much calmer now. There is definitely something to the theory that women need sexual release to be able to think clearly and control their emotions.
Going to have some dinner soon with the ladies here. ;) as per my Doms instructions. ;)

Still not sure what the future holds. Where I'm going live. What's going to happen with my marriage. But. I don't have to figure it all out right this second. ;)

Thoughts

I think I'm concerned with losing the apartment. I worked hard to get it. To get the things I needed to be able to do things myself. Like. The dishwasher, elevator, my bed, the laundry cart so I don't have to carry heavy things, a place that allows my dog. I have a raised toilet seat and higher furniture to protect me knees. Jar opening tools. So many things that made my life easier and stopped me from being in so much pain.
He should just leave and let me have it.

Maybe we could be a couple but just not live together. I don't know.
He wants me to give up my Dom. I don't know what good that would really do.
Then I'll be all alone again. Sad. Depressed. Needy.
He says, he'll go to the doctor about his low sex drive. He says he'll get counseling. He says I can have a safe word to stop him from rambling on for hours.
He says a lot but I don't think he'll really do those things. And even if he did he wouldn't be doing it for the right reasons so he would be resentful.
Just like I would resent him if I gave up G.
Not going to work.
It's hard to see reality sometimes.
It's hard for me to know what's real or if I'm just living in a fantasy world. Pretending that I actually have what I need because change is too scary.
Or maybe I'm just a selfish spoiled bitch who uses people. I don't know.

I'm a bitch.

http://youtu.be/edfD7ELs3s4

Big Girls Don't Cry

http://youtu.be/agrXgrAgQ0U

Ramblings of a confused mind...

Pensive. Tired. Scared of the future. Scared that someday... you won't be part of my life. If I end up back with Marc.. I mean eventually. Because he would never accept you. And lying and secrets would not be an option. Just thinking about a lot of things.
About signing a year lease. About living with my nephew. About H and what he's going to do with no one to help him. He has no support network.
Wish I could shut off my brain.

You say you love me. I know you do in your own way. It is true, like you say, "I" am the one you chose as your submissive. You are always there for me if there is any way possible that you can be. I know, at least, I believe I offended you last night, when I told you my irrational fear. The fear that if I'm not available to you enough you will find someone else. I do understand why it upset you. You see it as me questioning your integrity. And I know you tell me all the time that you're not going anywhere and neither am I. So then where is this coming from, why am I sometimes so fearful. Insecure. Don't know.
When I talked to you today, I panicked, I couldn't bare the thought of what you were going to say. What you've said before..... That if he stepped up and into his role as my leader and my husband that you would step away. I'm so afraid of that. I think I don't have any faith that he would ever be able to truly handle it. And then you'd be gone and I'll be lost again. Trapped. Again.
LOL. Just thought. It's almost like I have multiple personalities......
One wants to run back home to him right now.
One wants total freedom to run away from everything and everyone.
One wants only you, and you're the only thing that matters.
One wants to hide.
One feels motherly towards your baby girls and a sense of family because we all belong to you.
One wants a monogamous Dom.
One wants a poly family.
I am just mixed up, confused.
Starving for love and attention from a man.

When H said he doesn't want to lose me, I said, you don't even like me. I feel very unloved by him. I guess my Dom kind of fills some of those needs.
I do feel very disconnected from everything. From reality. Right now. I don't trust my own judgment.
I ponder... I consider... If it would even be possible for me to agree to leave my Dom and Fet Life behind. If I was to devote myself 100% to my H, would that work? I just don't believe that it would. I don't believe he can give me what I need.... But... Can G?
No physical love?
For how long?
FML!!!!!
No good solutions.

Feels

Feeling so sad for my H. I know how much he's hurting. I've been there. I hate that I am the cause of his pain. I wish I could comfort him, even though I can't be with him, I care about him.

Last Night

Last night was my first night in the shelter. The bed is rock hard. :(.
At least it's a bed.

Talked for a long time with my Dom. He was/is very supportive of me. He doesn't always tell me what to do, mostly he gives his opinion and then let's me make my own decisions.