Nothing Matters

I'm beginning to not care about any thing at all.

First Play Date

It was OK. I was so very nervous.
Not afraid, just nervous.
I did like being restrained. Spanked.
I loved loved loved when he grabbed me by my hair.
I think though, he didn't push me far enough. Which he did say would happen because we're just learning about each other.

I did gush a few times, but I didn't have a clitoral orgasm. Like I said...

I was very nervous. I can't orgasm when I'm nervous.

I don't know

We met in January, by March he had all but lost interest in me. He preferred to play in whistle stop with her instead of me.
He wrote romantic things to others, but not to me.
Why did I stay?
Why do I still want him.
I don't know.

I remember

I remember
The feeling that first night, so warm, feeling like as if you were really there with me holding me close and keeping me safe.

I remember...
The first time you sang to me "You Belong To Me" it was so beautiful I felt like I really did belong.

I remember...
The first time you said those three little words "cum for me". So fucking hot.

I remember...
Trying to choose between you and meeting someone in person.

I remember...
You said "I'm safer"

I remember...
The rush I would get when I would read the words "you're mine".

I remember...
Thinking that you sounded just like Dr Phil. :) such a sexy Texas accent.

I remember...
Being amazed that phone sex with you could be so fucking hot. Almost better than live. You were so very good at it. Such an imagination.

I remember...

My neighbors complaining. lol

I remember...
You said " I'm starting to have very strong feelings for you.

I remember...
How happy and proud I was to be listed as your property on your profile

I remember...
I am "in love" with you.

I remember...
Giving you control. giving you my passwords.

I remember...
Taking them back because you betrayed me. you gave me your word. then you broke it.

I remember...
Forgiving you, but it was never the same, I never really trusted you after that.

I remember...
Leaving my husband.

I remember...
I remember...
Getting beaten and my nose broken because I refused to move back home and stop talking to you.How you listened while I cried.

I remember...
Catching you in lie after lie after lie.

I remember...
Leaving Fet so that I could remain yours and not have to see and be be hurt by what you were doing. Because, I loved you and just couldn't bring myself to give you up.

I remember...

Suffering

Endless suffering

Consequences

I meant everything I said yesterday. You are a predator on Fet and I cannot in good conscience allow you to hurt any more women. I won't allow it.

You will tell this new baby girl what you've done, how you lied and how you neglected me to find a new shiny toy. And you will release her, whether she wants to be or not, so that she will have a chance to find a real Dom. You will copy the conversation you have and send it to me. If I get even an inkling that you're trying to pull a fast one I WILL out you without one second's hesitation.
It's not because I don't love you. It's because I do. You must have consequences for your actions. For your own good.

And you must be stopped from hurting any more women and I am the only one who can stop you.

Once you have released her, you will then delete both your Fet accounts and any others that you haven't yet confessed to. I will be having a friend of mine check and he already has your IP address so, if I were you I'd be very very careful not to create a new account. If you do, I will find it, and there will be no more warnings. I have already printed a letter and pictures and I WILL mail them to your wife's library branch the very second that you betray me again.

Don't fuck with me Bill. I'm much more cunning and vicious than you can even possibly imagine.

I also know Andrea's real name and some of her friends names... Sooo... If you care for her... Don't fucking even think for one second of trying to pull anything over on me!

I'm the only one

Bill must be stopped. I'm the only one who can stop him.

I have no purpose.

Lost and losing

Feelings of great loss.
Happiness doesn't exist.
Disconnected.
Not able to connect with others.
Alone.
Out of it.
Is it this flu?
I don't know.
I feel like I am a fake person.
Fake emotions.
Fake smiles.
Sadness.
:(

I guess...

It's morning. I guess it's time to get up. I'm still sick. But not as bad.

So many thoughts racing around my head.

Wishing I hadn't hurt Agent K.

Wishing I hadn't hurt Grizz.

Feeling pretty low about myself.

Sometimes

Sometimes it feels like I'm not a real person. it feels like I'm sitting back and watching all these things happen to someone else. it's disconcerting. I feel disconnected from everything and everyone. like I'm just a spectator.

It's scary. because how do I make a decision about something that's important in my life when it feels like its not my life when I'm watching somebody else's life when everything that happens is happening to someone else its weird I I don't know how to explain it. It's very upsetting still everything that happened still makes me just as upset but it's all surreal I don't know I don't know how to shake this feeling like I can't think properly I can't see properly I can't understand anything I feel weird strange unwell.

Things I want to remember

There are a lot of things I want to remember. that way maybe I can stop from making the same mistakes over and over and over.

One thing I want to remember is how when I was telling a story he would interrupt me and tell me I don't need to tell him that. so obviously he was not interested in anything I had to say not really.

He really wanted me to do the juicing cuz you said that you know he wanted it for my house and I do believe that that he wanted it for my health but I also think that he kind of lied to me because he said that he did juicing but he didn't and he wanted me to do it but he didn't even do it himself. and the water fasting I mean it sounds almost like he wasn't saying and maybe he did kind of lose his mind and he's trying to get back on his feet and absolutely I I can understand doing that. but I also know that I can't help him with that I have enough of my own shit that I'm trying to get through.

I know I should never have invited him here it was a big mistake I don't know what was going on in my head I I had I forgot you know I made the decision when I had the first date that he wasn't the one and then for some reason between then and an inviting him here I started to think maybe he was the one. I don't know I'm just so confused about the whole thing I don't know what was going on in my head I don't know why I did what I did I can't figure it out I'm feeling so lost. I just got back from driving all the way to London and back. he did pay for the gas and he left this juicer but he could have taken it with him. I don't know what's going on with him I don't know really understand. I hope he's okay. I really hope that meeting me did not do more damage to him. if only I had listened to Grizz.
If only I wasn't so bullheaded and stubborn sometimes.

I want to remember how he didn't like when Molly parked it was very very irritated by it. He didn't like when Molly would climb all over me like she does and I like when she does that because it means she wants to be with me and I like that feeling and he would tell me to put her down and I didn't like that he would tell me to put her down. guidance as he found him she found them to be very controlling. now controlling is going to be something that my Dom will be because that's part of it but I don't know if his way of controlling was bad and gums way is good or am I just confused maybe I don't fucking know anything maybe I'm just a basketcase myself. and he would say things like oh you're the dog is retarded the dogs neurotic little old but it's a sweet little dog or just sweet little dog I don't know I can't understand whether he was trying to be nice and just was saying things you didn't really mean but then he kept saying one thing and then sing another and changing his mind back and forth and he was undecisive and owe me and he was driving me crazy with it I'd like okay do you want this or not do you want this or not you have to say yes or no you can't be indecisive it was something like a sandwich.

I fucked up

Ugh!

I wrote a whole blog, and then accidentally deleted it.

I went behind Grizz's back.
I'm very ashamed.
I don't want to be that person.
I don't know why I did it.

Agent K is here. Has been for a week. He lives in Toronto so it's far.
I invited him.

I just told Grizz today.
I just couldn't deal with keeping a secret from him like that. It was tearing me to pieces.

I wish I didn't do it.

I just realized or maybe just admitted to myself...
I find it hard to tell Grizz that my needs aren't being met.

Easter Sunday

So, it's Sunday, Grizz is in church as always, unless he is working.
I am here, home, alone, bored I guess.
Lots of things I could be doing, housework etc.... but I don't want to.
I want to talk to someone. I want to have a relationship.
I want a Dom, here.
I try not to be impatient. But it's hard.

Remembering the good times.....

A Little Tease

Erotica | 5 Comments · 8 Love It | about 1 year ago

Would you trust me to lay you on your bed and secure your wrists with velvet covered restraints, stretched out, making your breasts oh so accessible? And...what if your ankles were shackled to a spreader bar, gently of course, not wanting to damage the tender skin. Your thighs so open and inviting.

Have I forgotten anything? Oh yes, ..pulling something out of my trusty bag of goodies, a black silk blindfold. Can't have you peeking can we now? Hmm? Your eyes are covered and all is dark for you. Now the fun begins....

My dear sub, do you know what this is? Your feel cool leather brushing lightly upward over your tummy, across your solar plexus, and between your breasts. Have you guessed? Surely you didn't peek, I say smiling. ...I gently flick each nipple with the leather strips bringing them to attention.

I hear the breath catch in your throat and you whisper something. What did you say dear sub? I bend down close to your ear, with my hot breath permeating, and you shiver. This is....I flick one nipple a bit harder. ...a flogger . .I swat the other nipple. They are so receptive to my attentions Rose.

I glance down at your thighs. ...betwixt and between. There before my eyes is your naked flesh, the lips glistening with the sheen of your arousal. ..you are mine Rose

I reach into the bag again, you hearing the rustling but not seeing anything, the sound of steel on steel. The feel of cold steel being placed over a nipple, then being tightened down. I watch your face until I see you wince, then stop. The other falls prey to the cold metal, and the clamp.
The chain is looped between the two and tightened it to make sure it is secure. I lean over you to kiss your lips, tugging on the chain rhythmically the whole time,tugging left. then right, upward and downward, over and over. Such lovely ladies you have. ..

Kissing and licking down your neck, nipping your shoulders, moving down your arm, teeth tugging your skin, and pulling the muscle on your upper arm. Then gentle kisses and licking to the crook of your arm. Such a delectable morsel you are for a grizzly.

Some would be turned on by now, I tell you pretending not to notice your arousal and squirming. My kisses reach your wrist,and I pay close attention to it, kissing and nibbling the the inner wrist. My tongue licking the lifeline of your palm,and my teeth tug at the skin between finger and thumb.

Asleep I ask taking your index finger in my teeth letting it scrape between them. I give your nipples alternating firm tugs
You...tug...belong. ..tug....to. ...tug....Me. ..twisting the chain bringing the nipples inward and up. ..

What you will experience at my hands is an outward sign of how much your heart. ..all of you belongs to me. You feel the handle of the flogger tracing the nipples in a tight figure eight, then pressing on each nipple with the blunt end, not cruelly but firmly.

You need to feel owned don't you my love? My fingertips brush over your lips and caress your cheek, my lips follow where the fingers traced. The tip of the handle is placed at your throat, and I drag it downwards over your collarbone, between your breasts, over your tummy, coming to rest on your mound.

Yes, Rose you are mine. ..gently twisting the shaft with a downward pressure , then dragging it between your lips to your opening. Pressing it against your entrance, slipping it in slightly. ...bringing it away glistening. So good for the leather, I say bringing it to my lips, then bringing the full shaft down to drag it across your erect clit.

Nothing like well worn leather passing over your sweet spot is there Rose? Hmm?

An open note to Rose

Note | 2 Comments · 1 Loves It | about 1 year ago

My dear Rose,

As Mr. Shy has been shy in blocking me, because I denied him the privilege of meeting you in person, but feeling free to contact you, by ignoring your profile requests, by failing to follow proper protocol, and by questioning the authenticity our relationship, I feel no remorse in addressing my response to him publicly. It is the only recourse:

Mr. Shy,

My Rose is exactly that..mine. She made that decision and made that decision clear. She understands it, I understand it, and you understand it. What was is unclear Sir? However, for your sake I will further clarify.

Online relationships are fantasy? Surely you say that in fun. Is there no exchange of friendship and emotion? Let me answer that for you. There is. There is emotion, and intensity. What there is lacking in physical contact can be made up for in those exchanges that are had.

Just to summarize.......she is mine.