It's Not Me It's you

For a long time now I have thought that I have issues. That I am just a jealous irrational person.
But today, I changed my mind.
I know I have acted jealous with Grizz... but... he earned every bit of distrust I have of him by blatantly lying to me, breaking his word to me, just so that he could cum with someone else, when I wasn't available. Yup, not a very good reason if you ask me. Not a good reason to betray the trust of someone who has given you their very soul.
Now I have forgiven him but I will never ever forget, and I will never ever let anyone hurt me that way ever again, no one will ever get that close, not even him!!!! I know he felt bad at the time, although I think sometimes he feels he was justified. Anyway.... Thats not what I wanted to write about.

This is how I see it...
If I am in a relationship with Grizz and not his slave... I have every god damn right to be part of the decision of him friending more women on Fet, of him adding people to his profile, of him taking time away from us to spend it with these other women, I have that right as a human being in a relationship with another human being. He says, he is not a Master, therefore I am NOT a slave, I am his submissive. That doesn't mean he can just fuck whoever he wants to fuck and that it's not any of my fucking business.... that would mean I was his slave. I am not his fucking harem girl!!!!!!  I have the right to be involved in decisions that affect me, and him being with other women, affects me greatly!!!!

Not that he does. I mean, I don't think he does. But, he could be. I mean he certainly has very little time for me. He says work and his wife. Maybe so. There is no way for me to ever know for sure so I can only act on blind faith.

I know he loves me. Else he could just go find another submissive to have sex with. With less drama.

Drama!!!
Standing up for myself, expressing my needs is NOT drama!
But freaking out over a harmless post is.

Jealousy is fear... hmm I guess.
Jealousy is unbridled anger.
Seeing red.
Murderous.
Jealousy can destroy lives.
But too, you should not give your SO reason to be jealous.
Seriously though I am such a hypocrite. How dare I have jealous feelings over Grizz when he is a married man cheating on his wife.... with me! Double standard for sure.
One thing I know for sure.
Never ever ever again will I ever get in involved with a married man, a man who wants more than just me, or one who lives far away. This relationship has definitely taught me what I don't want in my next one.
Sometimes though, I think, I should just stay alone. I will poison every relationship I have because of being jealous.
You know why.... because he reprimanded me, for being jealous, and I fucking believed him, I believed it was all me and they were just friends, and I took my punishment.... and HE WAS FUCKING LYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE WAS FUCKING HER THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME!!!!!!!!!! AND THEY ARE STILL FRIENDS ON FET!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ugh! Sometimes I think I must be the stupidest most pathetic woman that ever lived!!!!!!!!!!
So now, I don't trust myself to know when someone is lying to me.
I don't trust anyone else either.
And I am not sure I ever will.

You see, being with him, even though I am petrified that he lies and that he will hurt me again, even that, is better than being without him. Why though, why is he so very important to me.

Because I fucking love him... that's why... because I am fucking in love with him. Ugh!

Torture.
I am tortured in my soul.


I tried to leave him, to ask to be released, to be free to have sex with others and to date and do whatever I wanted.
But after only a short while (like a hour lol). I panicked, I love so many things about being with him. He has been my rock and stood beside me holding my hand all this time. I haven't always made it easy. I know there have been times that he wanted to quit me, and he even said that once, told me I needed to find a new Dom. I don't remember why, something I did or said most likely. So I swallowed my pride, I said sorry, I begged for forgiveness and for him not to leave me. UGH! What a pathetic stupid idiot I am. Why do I chase after this man!!!! Ugh!!!!

Anyway.

I don't like to face the thought of being totally alone. Right now, he is with me a lot, many times he is just a text away. And if I am upset he finds a way to talk to me and calm me down.
He takes care of my physical needs as best he can. (Although, I am frustrated a lot these days, I only get to be with him maybe once a week.) His time is taken up with many other things and many other people. I don't think asking for more than 5 minutes in the morning and 5 minutes  at night is too much to ask.

We can't play together on Fet because I don't trust him one iota!!!!!! And it makes me insane to see him with other women, because I know if he has the opportunity he will fuck them. And honestly, who can blame me. He is a player, Unfortunately. And he tells women he loves them, wants them, but it doesn't really mean anything because he says that to all women... He loves and wants all women..... flirting he calls it... mmmhmmm flirting, what the fuck ever!!!! .  But I still love him. And I don't even know really why I care. Why do I care if he is fucking other women or not, so long as he is taking care of my needs what does it matter....
I guess.... right now.... he really isn't taking care of my needs.
He knows I have a very high sex drive, yet, he feels once a week is enough... and if I complain... I know he will just say he is doing his best and if that isn't enough maybe I need to find another Dom. That is so unfair, so so unfair. Ugh!!!!!
I dunno.

I messaged him that I need his voice.... his voice always calms these demons in my brain.  Stops all these crazy thoughts. At least  for the most part.

He's busy I know, and I have to wait. As usual. Wait. Wait behind his wife, wait behind his sons, wait behind his other women on Fet and his other friends... yup... maybe around oh 10:55 he'll say call me, you know, so we can talk for 5 minutes before I go to bed.

I know I know, that's not really fair. That doesn't happen all the time. Last night was wonderful, we talked for a long time, we seemed to reconnect. It was definitely what I needed. But once a month, only getting to spend a large quantity of time with him like that once a month or so is so very frustrating. I love being able to talk for a long time and let our conversation drift to whatever topic, to laugh with him and share his life and for me to share mine.

I guess what all this bitching is really saying is....
I miss him.