Playing at Scandalous

Playing today was so intense oh my goodness I can't even tell you

We went to scandalous. And we played and I cried but it was glorious and I laughed he took me very far in subspace.

But then he had to leave to go home cuz he has to work tomorrow. But I didn't want him to go. I started to get very upset. So I told him that I was starting to get very upset. But I didn't mean to be upset I didn't want to be upset and I just needed his help to try to control it. So we tried. It ended up we dance to huge smile he's such a good dancer I love dancing with him I can't believe we we played and then we dance it was amazing.

We were sitting on the couch just after we played in the in the dance room. And I was looking into his eyes he looked like he loved me like he was in love with me but that makes me cry cuz I don't think it's true. He didn't say it. I mean he says he loves me. But he never says he's in love with me. He doesn't want to lead me on.

I know he's just trying to protect me. And he says he wasn't ready to give anybody his whole heart. And I get that I really do. But then why does he look at me like that. Why does he look at me like she's in love with me, if he's not. It makes me cry.

I don't know what to do. Because I just keep falling more and more in love with him.

So I had to come home alone. Because he has to work tomorrow. Which means I only got a small amount of aftercare. Which doesn't work well for me. I need a ton. So I may not be able to plant scandalous anymore because I can't get into that headspace and then have to go home by myself all alone it's too much for me. I don't think he truly understands that its sub drop. He thinks I'm worried or afraid but its not that at all I know what it is and it snowed the endorphins are the oxy whatever it is it's those chemicals being raised so high and then dropping which I love but its so hard to take. I definitely need him to acknowledge that that's what it is and then not that I'm just being silly I need him to understand it and just help me through it and and be accepting of it.

I don't know

I guess I'll just talk to him tomorrow about it.

He's a strange one.