His Words to comfort me.

  😘  rest you head on your pillow like it's My shoulder. You are My cherished possession. Stress from the world is creeping in to cause doubt. Let the fact that I love you and you are Mine radiate out to conquer you fears. 💋


I love our time Tuesday, dinner and play. BUT I don't want you running to exhaustion, though you likely already are. If you need to rest tonight I can come to Orillia.

So in love.

We had a long talk.
He said he's not looking to add another girl permanently, but just for play.

I did say, he doesn't have time for two. He agreed, but again, that's not what he meant.
He says he is not prepared to release me.

I'm his girlfriend. That's what he told Tanya

We had a lovely dinner Mexican. Then went to coffee and got tons of hugs.
Fucked and played and watched TV and cuddled. mmmm it was such a wonderful day... and yes, I'm in subspace. mmm yummy.

I feel betrayed

I'm trying very hard not to but I do.
We were supposed to talk about adding someone.

Ok, I guess we did, I did say, let's find a girl to play with.

But

I didn't mean for him to begin another relationship.

Babygirls ugh!

My nemesis it seems.

So, Sir has arranged for us to meet a babygirl. She's 27. As a couple not on his own. It does interest me. Actually, I have asked for a woman to play with.

I'm nervous.
Fear of being replaced.
He says that won't happen and that he's not Grizz. Sigh.
I'm struggling with it.
I want it, but it's very scary too.
And I have questions.

Will she meet the boys?
Will she also be his vanilla gf like me?
I think probably not, I don't think he'd want to explain that.
He says, we will only play, the three of us. I do find comfort in that, he says this is for US not just him.

Maybe she won't even like us.
We're meeting on Tuesday.
This will depend a lot on how open she is.
I don't know exactly what he wants
He said, "things will get more expensive if there are 3 of us" hmmm does that mean I won't get him to myself at all?
Seriously though, he doesn't have time to have a full-time baby girl.
I have thought of calling him daddy from time to time.
I'm not sure I can though.
And baby girls sometimes irritate me.
And what if she's a crazy one lol.
Well, some questions will be answered on Tuesday.

She cancelled. :(
I'm disappointed and relieved at the same time.

So after boohooing for days

And contemplating asking to be released, he calls, we have phone sex. Now I'm all smiley and happy. Grrrr lol. I hate that I am a slave to my libido. LOL

We signed our D/s contract today.

So happy, so secure.
He read a post about the whore's collar.
He seems to understand more now why it's so important to me.
Happy sigh.
Things are going well. I think. LOL

Stop it

He loves you. Stop doubting!!
It makes him sad.

I just don't understand

Why he couldn't care less about saying goodnight to me.
Why he views it as a chore.
It doesn't seem to bring him any pleasure to hear my voice.
That's what makes me feel like...
If my absence doesn't affect you then my presence was meaningless.

And then...
He calls, says he fell asleep on the couch.
So maybe he didn't have plans not to call me, or just forget that I exist at all.

My mind is quick to jump to those conclusions.

I wonder if calling me is in the contract?
I'll have to look.

I'm so confused now.
Where yesterday I was so clear.
My clarity never lasts very long where he is concerned. :(

Sometimes I think perhaps I'm too easy for him. He knows I want to be his so he doesn't think he has to pursue me. And he doesn't it's true. I don't like playing games, I don't want to play hard to get. I don't want to be pushed away. If you want me, act like it! If you don't fucking well say so!!

OMG

Last night was amazing!
First dinner, then cards with family.
Then we came back to my place and he fucked me hard made me suck his cock.
Beat me hard. Fuck! It was so amazing.
Then the kiss at the end.
His fist in my hair, melted me. mmm
I'm still floating. :)

Loving

Today I'm feeling so much love for Sir. Hmmm Happy Sigh :)

Just watching Netflix waiting for him to call and say goodnight.

I wish I was with him. In his arms. I long to feel his warmth. To cuddle up with him.
Mmmm
Soon...

My Fears

You asked why I doubt you.
Even though you have done things like meeting my family etc.

I've been thinking a lot and trying to identify what it is and when it is that I feel insecure in our relationship. So here's what I've come up with so far.

Please understand, I'm in no way trying to make you feel bad or guilty and these are not complaints. This is my attempt to look at events objectively and analize them. My goal is to make sense of why I feel the way I do so that I can better explain it to you.

So.... Here goes. 

Not Saying Goodnight when we're apart...

Not calling me to say goodnight, because it was "late". It's hard for me to understand, it's hard to ignore thoughts like " maybe you don't have very strong feelings for me and you could just walk away without a second thought ". I try to push those thoughts away. It's just that for me... I always want to talk to you, i wait all day to talk to you for those precious few minutes, You are the person I want to share my day with, even if it's late, even if all I get to do is say goodnight to you. It makes me happy. The fact is,  It was only 11:15pm. You've called later than that many many times. It takes less than 2 minutes to call and say goodnight. So I felt like you were not being honest about why you weren't calling. I don't understand, we are in a romantic relationship, right? so, why wouldn't you be eager to hear my voice, why wouldn't you look forward to saying goodnight to me? It just doesn't make any sense to me. Then I start thinking that you don't really want to call me at all, that you really couldn't care less about connecting with me (i don't mean that in an angry way) just that, you only do it for my sake. You view it as a chore that must be done. I'm just guessing of course. I mean it is obvious that saying goodnight to me is not all that important to you, it seems like we could probably not talk at all unless we're planning to get together and that would be ok with you. I find that difficult to understand. In my mind, if someone loves you, they want to talk with you as often as they can. It confuses me but I'm trying to understand. Perhaps it's because, you do care for me, but you're not "in love" with me like I am with you,  you've been very upfront about that, made it perfectly clear, perhaps I just forget sometimes and so I expect behavior from you that I shouldn't expect.
I know we were having a difficult week at the time... last week when you didn't call... So... I try to tell myself, you were just protecting yourself, you needed to not be stressed because work was stressful enough and you were afraid that talking with me would stress you out, affect your sleep and so you chose not to take the chance. I do get it. It makes me very sad that that rift between us happened.

Sleeping habits...
We don't sleep together. You prefer not to sleep with me. It makes me sad but I try to deal with it. I find it so difficult to understand how you don't find it comforting or " nice " to have a warm body beside you in bed. But I'm trying.
As i feared, it has created a distance between us that I wish wasn't there. I long for a deeper emotional connection with you.
I try to remember, I'm not your girlfriend, and certainly not your wife so perhaps not sleeping together is part of this new dynamic that we're in and just something I need to and eventually will, get used to. I've never had a relationship like this, so perhaps that's why it feels so odd to me that you'd prefer to sleep alone but yet you do love me. It's hard to get my head around that one.  Sometimes I think it's because you are afraid of liking sleeping with me too much, because, like you said, it took you a long time to get used to sleeping alone and be able to fall asleep. I certainly can understand why you wouldn't want to mess that up. Still. I do get a pang of sadness and it's hard for me not to feel a little unwanted/rejected and like I said it puts a distance between us emotionally that I wish wasn't there. I'm still working on this. Perhaps I'll even learn to like it and appreciate it. Or perhaps you will start to like having me in your bed. Who knows. Stranger things have happened.