This is NOT my fault

There were many many issues before I made the decision to be Grizz's submissive.

I need to SHOW UP in my life.
Not dwell on the past.
Not wait for the future.
Live in the here and now.

When he starts taking up space in my head I will redirect my thoughts to something about me.
Like the coffee... I like Chai  tea and I'm going to have one.
Remember they are using me as the scapegoat. I must not join them.
He was very self centered. Only really cared about himself, his needs.
He is definitely mentally ill.
I may have some issues because my life has turned inside out. But I'm not mentally ill. I will recover and become stronger.
I am NOT the cause of everyone's pain.
I should not have gone back because guilt was really the only reason.

I was very unhappy and I was using coping strategies to survive.
Like tuning him out.
Like avoiding being at home.
Like lashing out and being angry telling him not to talk to me.

I wanted my marriage to last I did not want to give up. But I reached my breaking point and could no longer cope.
BDSM was my escape.
A strong man, who I didn't have to take care of, I didn't have to mother.
Someone who would take care of me.
A Dom/Master.
I have that now, sort of. He can't take care of me physically but he does take care of my emotional and sexual needs. Well keeps my sexual needs down to a dull roar. I do sometimes long for the physical touch of man, of my Dom. I long to be held in his strong arms, to know what it's like to be held and comforted by him. To feel him inside me, taking me, using me for his pleasure. Taking complete control of me. mmm.

It's been a good day

Very happy tonight. So glad that I have Grizz. *sigh*

Valuable Service

I was talking with KC today. Told him I deleted both of my Fet accounts. I asked him if he thought I was wrong to stay with Grizz. To my surprise he said no. He reminded me that without Grizz I'd be a hot, horny, Dom crazy mess, a danger to myself, and that Grizz is providing me with a valuable service, keeping my libido in check.

So I sent him this message...
(After we had some very fun, very loud phone sex *smiling*)

Thank you for keeping me safe. Safe from my over active libido. Because I have you, I am not out sleeping with a bunch of strangers or giving my submission to any dangerous Dom's. ;) I love you my Grizzly bear!

*happy sub*

I do love him so much. So much.

I love him, I am staying :)

It was a long day, full of thoughts.
I wrote it all out once but apparently deleted it.

I am deleting my Fet account. I have decided.
I do not want to lose Bill.
He is more important to me than that stupid website.
I want to move past all the garbage.
I have forgiven him but I need to be able to forget so that I can truly submit to him the way I want to.
He is my rock, and I will cling to him for support until I can stand on my own and then I will walk beside him. Where I belong.

I love you Bill. (kisses)

Very sad

I'm very sad.
Thoughts of asking to be released.
I just can't deal with it.
So many lies.
I don't trust him.
He's still friends with the one that pretended to be my friend but was having sex with him the whole time, he lied, she lied, and he reprimanded me for being jealous of her knowing all the while that he was lying to me. Dancing romantically with her at the Whistle Stop. Still hurts deeply that he was so publicly disrespectful to me.
Usually I don't have to see her profile, but today he put a love on something she wrote.
I just don't know if I can continue to be his submissive if he is still friends with her.
I can't really talk to him about this.
I don't want him to decide to end our relationship while I'm so emotional.
I need to think for a few days.
I honestly don't know what I would do without him. But having her thrown in my face is just not something I can continue to accept.
If I say her or me. He will choose her.
He will say, I don't control him.
Be angry.
So I cannot tell him that I'm thinking of leaving him because of her. I do not want to be a "manipulative bitch" as KC would say. Therefore I cannot threaten to leave if keeps her as his friend. I must decide if I can continue to be his submissive even if he is friends with her. If I can't then I will have no choice but to walk away.
This tears my heart out.
The thought of being without him hurts so much.
But being hurt every time I log in to Fet is just too much.
Every comment to her, every love on her writing is like a slap in the face to me.

Smiling

Tonight I'm smiling. I'm so happy.
Grizz was more forceful in his words with me today. *happy sigh*
Giving me what I need.
Taking control. Exerting his authority over me. *sigh*
It brought back those feelings, just a little. Those submissive feelings that I crave.
I'm his.
Sigh

Just after I wrote this, he became very direct and dominant.
He said basically, what he does with his time is none of my business.
That did not go over well.
While he is kind of right.
It upset me.
I think it might just be the dominant woman in me wanting control, fighting with my want and need to submit.
Surrendering my will to his.
That is what I want.
Then why do I fight it sometimes.
Hmmm
I think, fear.
Yes. Fear.

My Temper Tantrum

I wrote this a couple of hours ago.... I thought about deleting it... but... I changed my mind.
I do think I was just having a little temper tantrum.






I don't even care about writing in this stupid journal anymore.
He doesn't care, doesn't ask, doesn't check, so why should I.

Makes me so very mad that he said he was making sure that one of his little bitch faces was doing her daily tasks... ya I know I know, he does ask me about some things, but ugh!
If he has time to do that for her, then he should have more time for me!!!
She was not even his babygirl. And he says Jess is upset because he hasn't had time for her... then tell me how did he have time for this other stupid little bitch!

Don't fucking give me a chore or a task and then completely forget about it, what's the fucking point!
This is supposed to be a D/s relationship not an S/s!

Ugh! I am just irritable right now.
Not really sure why.
I think I am not getting what I need.
I need a Dom, NOT a boyfriend!

Things seem to be unraveling.
I guess I am just in a bad mood!

Missing

Missing Marc a lot today.
Everything reminds me of him.
I wish I could go back to January and never meet Michael.
I've lost a man who truly loved me.
No he wasn't perfect, far from it.
It used to make sense. I had reasons.
But now that I've lost everything I think...
For what.
For nothing.
:(
To be alone.
To have a Dom who lives 2700 km away, who I probably will never even touch. Who says he'll do things but doesn't follow through, or at least he hasn't yet. Who has at least 3 other women besides me (3 that I know of for sure) and he is married to boot.
How did I get here.
Sub Frenzy?
It's gone now.
I rarely feel that submissive rush anymore. I don't know how to get it back.
It's sad.
I love Grizz.
But he's not really a Dom. Not in the BDSM sense.
Or maybe it's just that he's more of a "Daddy" than a Sir.
I obey him, but I am losing that submissive mindset towards him. I'm not sure why. I will continue to be obedient, because maybe it will come back. Maybe that's how it works. You know, like, being in love, you don't always feel those strong feelings of love, they come and go.
Maybe it's the same with submission, with those feelings of a rush of "whatever it is". Maybe that waxes and wanes as well. I hope so.

At any rate, I'm staying right where I am for the foreseeable future. I'm feeling very confused, very mixed up. Not sure of anything or of anyone. I especially don't trust myself. Apparently I am not a very good judge of character. I don't feel entirely safe with Grizz. I think circumstances could arise that would lead him to betray me again. Right now he's all I have. But I do think he is led by his desires, he's not in control of them or of himself sometimes, and that makes for a dangerous Dom. Emotionally dangerous, not physically. I am very afraid that he will hurt me, again, and the next time will be worse.
Am I dwelling on bad memories?
Living in the past?... hmm...
Is that what I'm doing?
Maybe.
It's hard to just forget everything.
All that's happened.
Between me and Marc
Between me and Grizz
A lot of crap.
A lot lies and half truths.
On my part as well. I am by no means innocent.
There is no way to know if someone is lying or not.
Yes. It's sad.
Enough!
Keep moving forward.
Like Grizz says, that's what I have to do, just keep moving. Sigh.

He loves me :)

"Baby I'm glad you're home. Don't let that happen again. Make sure I can contact you at all times.
All times."

This is how I know... He loves me.
*happy sigh*

You

You are so important.
You are my rock, I would be lost without you.
I am yours.

He cares

I know Grizz cares about me, why else would he stick around.