Feeling unworthy :(

Day dreaming of him.
Dreaming of him

I gasp as he pushes me up against the wall, taking hold of my wrists and pinning them to them above my head. He leans in and kisses me roughly, passionately on my still parted lips.
Is this what you want, he growled at me.
”Yes” I barely managed to whisper.
He releases one of my hands, to grab a fistful of my hair at the back of my head, “Yes, what!?” He demanded. I knew what he meant.
“Yes Sir” I quickly corrected.


I look at the picture I have of him.
It fills my heart with so much love.
I long to touch him, hold him, care for him, hear his voice
I cry. With the heartbreak of it all
Truth is, I still have hope that he may allow me to serve him. Silly I know 😢

Him, I still love him. 
I’ve put space between us, I’ve blocked him. I’m staying away from events.

But he’s back. In my brain. 

Why can’t I just move on.
Why can’t I just accept that he doesn’t love me. 
That he will never love me. 
Perhaps it’s mental illness. Obsessive Love Disorder. 
How the fuck did I fall so hard for him when he doesn’t feel the same.

I’ll be seeing him this weekend. It’s like, the more I try to avoid him, to distance myself, the more want him. The crazier I get. 

I’ve started wishing I could tell him things. Things about music. Things about my life. Like I used to. I used to tell him everything. 

Sir has said, I have to choose. Of course I choose him. But I love Mister H, so much. At one time, I called him Sir. I miss that so much. 
I want to be his. In the depths of my being, I am his. I can’t act on it. But it’s true. I try to fight the feelings but they win everyday every  time. 

I love my Sir too. Very much