So tired

This wedding prep is for the birds. ;)

Limits and Definitions

Sir and I had a very long talk tonight. :)
We talked about many things :) Tao, Religion, Humanism :)
And the definition of monogamous.

To me monogamous means no other "relationships"
To him it means no sex with others.

I told him, I want him to be free to have sex with others and play with others but that i will most likely be jealous. He understood, I think.

He did say he will tell me beforehand if he decides to have sex with someone else.
I wish it didn't bother me so much. :(

If that happens, I do foresee that it could very well be the end of our relationship.
I will not give him any kind of restrictions, but, I am just not sure I can handle it.
And if I can't then that means we are not well matched.

I know it bothered me a great deal when Grizz spent time with his other women instead of me.

I do think, he doesn't have time to have another relationship. As it is I already want more time than he has or well, I would love to have more time with him, I am willing to accept the status quo because he's worth it.

If the other play partner was taking time away that would have been mine... that would be an issue.

But then that begs the question... what time is mine... he has not promised me any time at all.
Ugh, sometimes that is frustrating, not knowing from one day to the other if I will see him or not.
For him, it's no big deal, it's like he can take me or leave me... or that's how it seems sometimes. Like, if I didn't chase after him he would not seek me out. ;(
I don't know that it's true, and I am not fond of games, so I will not stop contacting him to "test" him.

It was a wonderful phone call. :)
I was upset before he called, missing him a lot, feeling a little lost.
I feel much better now.

I asked him
Are you happy with our relationship?
he said yes, and asked why did I ask
I said, well, your Fet profile still says you're looking for a babygirl. Are you? Still looking for someone else?
He said no, and that he would change his profile.


We talked a lot about how it would be exciting for him to share me with other men/women.
Made me very aroused.
He said it made his cock hard.
he said he likes my submission, that it arouses him.
He likes when I say "Yes Sir"

Cumming for him

Is fucking awesome!

I love him very much

I love hearing his voice before bed each night. (Happy Sigh)

In love

I've fallen in love with a man who isn't in love with me and who says he never will be. Although he makes me happy, there is something missing. Can I live without it?
I don't know, because I don't know what it is.

Camping

He actually did come out. For a visit.
He fucked me in the forest. ;)

His Friends

They invited him to dinner last night.
He said, he had plans. So they're having dinner tonight.
His plans were with me.
Which was good.

But, why doesn't he want me to meet his friends? That's what I want to know.

He said... See, you take priority.
Which yes, I seem to.

I said. When will I get to meet your friends?
He said, I guess I'll have to set something up.

So I'm thinking....
Hmmm
Why not just take me to dinner?
I don't understand.
It makes me suspicious.
Does he not want me to meet them?
Perhaps he wants to keep them as his friends only. So that he has someone to talk to. I dunno.
He took her out for dinner for her birthday.
He seemed reluctant to tell me that they'd invited him for dinner. For whatever reason, I don't know.
I guess I could have asked if I could go with. But that seemed... inappropriate.

Camping

I'm going camping this weekend. :)
I really wanted Sir to come too. I don't think he will. :(
He lets his children decide his life. :(
I don't think it's healthy. But I am merely his submissive.

I hope he comes.

My collar

Well. His collar. It gives me such comfort when I'm unable to be with him. I remember, the first night we played and he let me take it home. He said it was a coping aid. Which leads me to believe that he has some idea of sub drop and of his important aftercare is.

I'm not sure he's fully aware.
He has let me down once. But, he was having a rough patch himself at the time.

I love my Sir so very much

Today we played.
Mostly we had rough sex.
But still, it was fucking awesome!

I'm still remembering, and sighing with happiness. mmmm :)

I am one very happy subbie. lol

I just love him so very much. :)

Message to masterjoe4569 back in April

About me...

Dear Sir,

I am ready to share my kinky self with you...

I love the whole D/s M/s concept.
I love protocols, such as calling my Dom, Sir or whatever term he deems the most respectful... and the enforcement of it.
It helps me to remember my place. Although, I want to be a good girl, sometimes I forget.

I am a slut. I have no sexual hang ups in that regard. I love being fucked! It's fun. Sex is fun. Everyone should have more sex. :) I am willing to be shared with other men if my Sir chooses but only with him present and in control of the situation for my safety.

I do have a little bitty issue with jealousy... I'm not Poly. I would be ok with playing with others together but not my Dom playing without me. That is a hard limit.

Other hard limits... blood, urine, feces, children, anything that would get me arrested, or risk my professional reputation. Daddy/daughter play... I just can't seem to get past the whole feeling of "incest" abuse. Ignoring as discipline is a hard limit. Ignoring is the opposite of what I believe D/s is all about. I recognize, there will be times that I will need to be disciplined, I'm not perfect, if you wish to have is be silent, a short time out, or time to reflect with a set end time would be acceptable

Slut, cunt, cum whore, bitch, and other such names are perfectly acceptable terms of endearment lol during sex/play or jokingly. However, body shaming is not, that's a hard limit. My motto is... "Love the skin you're in"

I love being naked in public. :)
I am an exhibitionist. Which means I really would love to play, have sex in public, but I want the "protection" of it being a command of my Sir (I hope that makes sense).

I don't have any issues with having my picture taken while I'm naked, during play/sex or whatever... Including video... That's fine. (Exhibitionist lol)

I need an absolute ton of aftercare. I have often experienced very bad sub drop after being with Grizz, and he never actually touched me, so I anticipate that a real experience will affect me even deeper.

I'm messy. I gush (i don't like the term squirt)... I gush a lot. :) and I'm very proud of that. But just so you know, I have once soaked through 6 towel layers (we were seeing how many times I could make myself gush, we got to 24 Grizz was watching and counting lol) so your bed may need protection. LOL

Concerning Protection, I'm not on any birth control. I could still get pregnant. So if you wish to cum inside me we will need to use a condom. I wasn't having physical sex so there's been no need for B.C. If you wish, I will look into getting an IUD. I can't take the pill.

I am curious about orgasm control. That is something I would like to explore. I find the thought of cumming on command of my Sir very very hot. That is a power over me that I chose not to give Grizz.

I do want us to be an active part of the BDSM community. I love going to munches, play parties, and maybe next year, to Forbidden (kinky camping event).

I would like us to have a written agreement if that's OK with you.

So that's a good start... On getting to know me... Don't you think. ;)

Why I'm Afraid

I think I may have figured out at least partly why I'm so afraid of Tim leaving me.

When we first met... He said, I want a relationship but not a long term relationship. I don't even really know what that means.

And

His profile says, he's a Daddy Dom looking for his babygirl. He hasn't changed it.

That's what makes me think. For him, this is only a temporary relationship.

He says... it's not casual... what does that mean.

He says he loves me.

I hope he does but I'm not sure that I believe him.

I'm not sure he understands what love is?
Or perhaps it's me, because of all the men who have hurt me and lied to me.
Maybe I am not trusting him. When I should. I don't know.

Friday night

I was upset when he left.
I felt it was the beginning of the end.
But, I think it was just fear.

He called me, which helped tremendously.
I said... Would you even be sad if I walked away...
He said... Of course I'd be sad... I would miss you a lot...

That really helped me.

He said...
You're scaring me.
I didn't understand what he meant.
He said... All this talk about walking away.
I said, I'm sorry.I guess I just needed to hear that I'm important to you.

I felt better and went to sleep.

The morning was brighter. ;)

Feeling wonderful

I had an amazing day with my Sir today.
He restrained me on his bed with ankle and wrist cuffs mmm mmm he clipped clothes pins to my breasts and my pussy lips. He beat me with his rattan toys that he made. All while I was in a mask with only a hole for my mouth.
mmm
Then he fucked me with his mask on, his cock was so hard... Fuck! and I gushed so many times all over his cock. mmmm
It was fucking So good.
Then we rested and he fucked me again.
And I gushed again... and again... And again mmmm it was so amazing!

Then we had dinner, I made pasta.
I so love serving him, :)
Then his son called and I had to go. But I knew about it, and it was all good. :)

And now we've said goodnight on the phone.

Such a perfect day! (happy sigh)

I understand

I understand what he meant now when he was saying I was upset, and why he asked if I'd be able to sleep.

That time, he kicked me out.
I did get very upset following.
But, a big part of it was that I reached out to him for comfort.
And he flat out said he couldn't comfort me.
I know, he was just exhausted, his kid was sick.
But that added to me being upset
I chose to just deal with it on my own and give him a break.
I do understand that I do need to take responsibility for my own feelings ie sub drop.