Daddy/babygirl

I want to understand this better.
What is the attraction. What is the arousal for the Daddy Dom
Is it youth?
As in, softer skin, a lighter colored or pinker pussy?
Is it virginity? The thought of deflowering? Is that the fetish?
I want to understand.
What is it?
Myself, I don't find it arousing.
I have some... Um... Not issues... But... Uneasiness I guess is the best word.

I get it now
We talked about it
It's the innocence. That's what Daddy Dom love, that is what arouses them, it has nothing to do with age or looks, or even child-like behavior. It's the innocence... the damsel..  the save me from the wolves. That is what arousrs Daddy Doms.
I feel much better about this now.
The uneasiness is gone.

We will never meet

I have to accept that.
I did, accept it, at first.
I was grateful for what we had.
But, that was before the great divide.
He says, he would "like" that.
But, he would not promise.
So, to me that says, it's not going to happen.

We were talking, about if we lived closer. He says, he thinks, if we did, it wouldn't be long before I was carrying his child. That, made my heart start pounding. I know I wrote about it, as a wonderful fantasy (Eternity) but to speak of it as he did, as reality, it made me realize that he's right. I would want that. If we lived closer. I will admit, I do want that. I want to carry his child. I've thought about it, a lot.
I didn't know though, that it was the same for him, that he truly wants to breed me in real life, that if I lived closer, it would make it difficult for him to resist making that desire a reality. It touched me . (ugh I know other people might think it's awful but I love the term "breed" in this context.)

That would be an adventure for sure.

Daddy

Some clarity, about titles.
So Bill says he doesn't want to be called Daddy, all the time, by me. He says, that's not our relationship. And he says it's OK if I call him Sir. He had said once that sometimes he didn't like it.

He has agreed to let me have a playmate, of sorts.
The playmate would only play while Bill is on cam with us. He would have to follow Bill's instructions.
I wonder if we will be able to find a man who would be interested. Bill said maybe a switch. I think that's probably our best bet. A submissive man is not going to work.

Not related to the above...
If a sub does not do what she is told, if she neglects her responsibilities, and sometimes breaks rules, is she still a sub?
Hmmm . I  guess, technically, that would be a brat.

My Sir is very important to me.
I would be lost without him.

Daddy Dom Article

I want to understand Daddy/babygirl relationships.

When I read this, it's like,
"This fits Bill to a T"

http://domsgentlemans.weebly.com/daddy-dom.html

DOMs Gentlemans Club

10 Keys to a Successful Daddy DOM/Little Girl Relationship

The 10 Keys to a Successful Daddy DOM/Little Girl Relationship will clarify and answer most people’s questions about the successful special connection and wonderful lifestyle offered by the Daddy DOM - Little Girl Relationship.

A Daddy DOM is or should be an enlightened DOM.  In almost every way, a Daddy DOM is more important to the life and happiness of his girl than the traditional Dominant or Master and their submissive. He interacts with her in the subcategory of “Daddy” within the lifestyle of Dominance and submission (D/s).  In this specific DOM/sub subcategory the male dominant is called “Daddy”, and the female submissive (sub) is called “girl”, “little girl”, or “babygirl”, etc.  To be crystal clear, in no way does a Daddy DOM or his Little Girl support roleplay incest or encourage pedophilia as part of the Daddy DOM lifestyle.  Most Daddy DOMs and their girls prefer to avoid the term “daughter”, which implies incest. Daddy DOMs and their girls have no interest in endorsing this concept in anyway.  While in some cases, DOMs and some subs may have been victims of family violence, incest, or other abuse.  Daddy DOMs and their girls are represented in these categories at similar demographic levels to the general population.  The following is a brief tutorial review of the fundamental characteristics, features, behaviors and responsibilities in the shared Daddy DOM - Little Girl lifestyle.

01. Unconditional Love & Support
As her Daddy, Coach, DOM, Mentor, and number one fan, in many cases, the Daddy Dom usually believes in his Little Girl more than she herself does, and often uses the wisdom of his age to see her not only for who she is, but also for who she can become.  A DOM Daddy’s unconditional acceptance and energy surges when he is in contact with his little girl as does hers with him.  He expresses his pride in her and praises her for both for what she accomplishes, as well as those things she attempts, and for who she is inside and out as a person, as well as a submissive.  He respects and accepts her for who she is and who she aspires to be — supporting her character development, helping her to value substance over superficiality.  Because of his experience and concern, he observes and recognizes her faults without judging or criticizing her.

02. Primary Protector
The Daddy Dom serves as the primary protector of his Llttle Girl from both psychological and sociological stress, as well as physical or economic threats.  Whether these fears are based on perceived or real dangers, or on potential or actual negative people, he takes her concern seriously.  In many cases his Little Girl simply needs to feel safe and snuggle in her Daddy’s embrace, and feel his nurturing and support.  As her Daddy he is her primary protector and he provides safe harbor for her day-to-day life issues, as well as her dreams and fantasy life.
 
03. Emotional Sanctuary
As her emotional sanctuary and ultimate confidant, she is able to go deeper and open her soul to herself and to him in ways she may never have been able to before with friends or family or in other past relationships. Independent of other friends and relationships, her Daddy is her ultimate confidant.  There is nothing forbidden or taboo when she speaks with him there is absolute trust and knowledge that he will keep that trust and confidentiality.  Knowing that he will never use this knowledge against her or throw it in her face to control or manipulate her she never feels the need to withhold the truth from him.  She is free to call him 24X7, anytime day or night, to reach out when she needs his support and comfort.

04. Mentor and Teacher
As her mentor and teacher, he demonstrates by example and by explicit verbal communications priorities and perspectives that help her better understand and learn form her past and current life experiences.  The informed Daddy DOM is able show his Little Girl new insights, new ways of seeing her options, He is able to nurture her in ways she has never been nurtured, and to be there for her in ways she has never shared or experienced before.  He and she know they are especially blessed when they achieve shared joy and happiness when she sees herself and her abilities through his eyes and is motivated in new ways that both inspire her and take her to new levels of self-confidence. 

05. Discipline. 
As is true with any DOM/sub relationship, there will be time when the submissive acts out her fears or behaves in ways that she knows are not in her interests and may even be self-sabotaging.  She anticipates some form of discipline to bring things back into perspective and learn how to avoid repeating negative behaviors.  Daddy DOMs prefer to support and encourage their Little Girls and when possible to avoid the occasional need to impose discipline.  In addition to teaching values and demonstrating tough love it is important for the Girl to learn that bad habits like emotional manipulation or not speaking her truth are toxic. The respect for her Daddy DOM is critical to the integrity of the relationship and discipline for these kinds of actions is a necessary part of the growth of a quality relationship.  Knowing that there will be consequences provides a form of stability a girl needs.  Wise Daddies will not be excessively strict and will generate a punishment that fair and appropriate.  They understand that discipline is a form of teaching and avoid the trap SM (sadomasocistic) punishment that can be out of line and inappropriate.  Learning to be disciplined is the lesson of the discipline.
 
06. Tantric Sexuality
The enlightened Daddy DOM intentionally helps to reposition his Little Girl’s understanding of the nature and meaning of sexuality and the practice of submissive sensuality.  Through an informed awareness of the chakras and a daily tantric meditation practice Daddy DOM/Girl sub couples are able to achieve and maintain their own ecstatic subspace.  An alluring and magnetic aspect of the Daddy DOM/Girl submissive dynamic is her presentation as an innocent or even a “virgin.”  A very powerful and touching important dynamic is the act of the DOM symbolically deflowering his Girl on an ongoing basis.  The thrill of giving her sexual virginity to her Daddy DOM is very empowering and tender at the same time.  Similarly exposing her to new mental concepts and/or cultural worldviews is a form of moving her from a state of innocence to maturity.  As her Guide and Advisor he supports his Girl in being able to live a more balanced life. Daddy DOMs are there to give advise, answer her questions, help her keep calm, reduce her fears, increase her sense of security, and keep her grounded.

07. The Rock. 
When the Little Girl’s life experiences are especially challenging and she may be moving through the dark times, her Daddy DOMS is reliable and there for her and able to draw on years of experience to offer advise that is dependable and solid as a rock.  For many Little Girls there has never been some one consistent, steady and receptive available for their moments of doubt and fear.  Sometimes physical exhaustion and/or emotional depression can sweep into her life and having access to her Daddy becomes a loving light at the end of the tunnel.  He is able to help her face her fears, deal with the challenges and help her find her way back into a place of personal alignment and inner peace. 

08. The Art of Living
Learning about how to be her authentic self by living in the “now” and how to maintain a higher quality of life is one of the most important keys to a successful Daddy DOM/Little Girl relationship.  Learning that the journey is as important as the destination, and being mindful of the words she uses and actions she takes are valuable lessons learned from her Daddy DOM interaction.  Regardless of her age, professional accomplishments and/or financial status Daddy’s Girl is looking for and needs something only an enlightened Daddy DOM can provide. It is an essential element — like air, water, food, shelter — the non judgmental unconditional love and protection provided by her Daddy is a primordial need that nurtures her soul and frees her spirit to soar. 

09. The Art of Living

A Message from Rocco Alva & Enlightened Daddy DOMs from Around the World

10. The Art of Living

Why Daddies Like Littles

This can be asked the same for any relationship. Daddies like little's based on their own personal likes and dislikes and what they find attractive. A Daddy should enjoy the regression that their little naturally does and appreciate the child-like attributes of their little, but they will also find their adult side attractive.

The Title Daddy

There is a big difference between Daddy as a title for a Dominant in a D/s relationship and Daddy as a title for a father. While many have some reservations about this title, it is nothing more than that: a title. Daddies are not interested in pedophilia, incest or any other paraphernalia associated with children even though their title is often misunderstood and associated with that.  When a little calls her Daddy by title, the feeling associated is nothing like the feeling she would get when she calls her father the same title. It’s the same with any other multi-use word in our language. For instance, the world love can be used to describe many things. You don’t have the same feelings for when you say you love bubbles as you do when you say you love your spouse.

Daddies and Sex

A lot of people just starting out in this lifestyle wonder if it’s still okay to have sex. As two consenting partners in a loving relationship, sex should be normal. Just like any other relationship, sex is natural and healthy for growth and bonding. Sex in a Daddy/little relationship is not done like that of role players where the sexual attraction may in some cases stem from deep seeded interest in incest or pedophilia. Sex between a Daddy and his little is just like sex between any people in a relationship; as two consenting adults.

Daddy-Dom v. Master

Daddies are very similar to Masters but there are some striking differences. First, Daddies cherish their submissive's little side and encourage her to come out and play. Second, Daddies are strict about different things. Where a Master may be strict about procedure and protocol, Daddies are more concerned with their submissive's goals and needs. Third, a Daddy can be more playful than most Masters. Masters tend to have to be more rigid with their submissive or slaves. Of course, we aren’t saying Masters are unable to show affection or be playful. But as a Daddy, playfulness is practically a part of the job description. It’s something you would have to do in order to keep up with your little.

He said

In the heat of passion, he said, "We'll talk about it later."
Talk about what? I wonder
Was it about "Daddy"
He said he needed me to be his babygirl tonight. I want to understand.
What does that mean?
I called him Daddy. It was... different... I can't seem to put it into words.
It seemed different. Almost like he was a different person. Or like I was.
Turned a corner? I don't know.
He made me a little afraid.
His desire was so strong.
His need for a baby girl.
He said, and I believe him, that he really needed me today. And that he needed me to be his babygirl today.

He says, quit trying to analyze everything. Ugh! lol. It's my nature. Curious.
I need to understand things.
It helps me to accept it.

I wonder what he meant.

My Sir

He owns me.
I'm his.
I belong to him
The way he took me today, tonight, was different. Tears flowing from my eyes, not bad tears not sad either, but there is a little fear. Fear of the control he has over me.
I don't understand it.
Can't articulate it.
But somehow it was different, and I am more his now than I have ever been.
I didn't know it was possible.
All thoughts are of him.
I love my Sir.

My letter to my Sir

I just sent this to Bill.

I was very sleepy when I came home, I laid down. Was having very intense sex dreams. Dreaming that a dominant man grabbed my hair from behind me, I gasped, because it was unexpected, and he said, "Oh you like that?" Then he reached around with his other hand, cupping my breast, he found my nipple under my shirt and pinched it hard enough to make me cry out (I fucking loved every second). He turned me to face him, he looked into my eyes, he saw how aroused I was, and he saw my submissiveness. He smiled, and said "I see. You do like it."

I woke up with such a strong longing to have a Dom's hands on me. What i mean is, to feel what it's really like to be with a dominant man. I think I need physical sex Bill. I think we need to talk about it. Thing is though. If it means losing you, then I'll go without. I choose you. But if, if we could devise a plan where I can be yours and have a "playmate" of sorts, I would be grateful. Perhaps if we only played while you were able to watch, able to tell him what to do? Your proxy? I'm sure there are many men who would be interested in that sort of arrangement. Or, is that too much like cuckolding... I don't mean to offend you, I know YOU are the type of man who does the cuckolding. I am just throwing out ideas. My ideal arrangement would be to have a man here who respects your authority, and our relationship, with whom I can have physical sex. These are just my thoughts. Not meant to hurt you, I hope they don't. You are not losing me. I'm simply wanting to have a conversation about these things. I love you so very much. But another 6 months, another year, or many, without the physical touch of a man. I don't want that. I need that touch. I long for it.  I'm starving for it. I love you Bill. If we lived closer, if being with you physically was even a remote possibility THAT is what I truly want, THAT is what I hunger for. But we both know, that's not going to happen. ((Hugging you tight, kissing you deeply on your lips)). I love you so much.

A thought

It seems, when I am on the edge of surrendering to him completely. That's when I have the panic attacks. That's when I get afraid, jealous. That's when I pull back. Afraid to jump into the abyss.

We talked

He apologizes that he was not there for me, last night. He says he was not with his baby girls last night. That's what He says.

He says he may even disable his Fetlife account. He says, it's too much of a distraction. I said nothing.
I do not want to voice my opinion, but I do hope that he does shut down his account. The thought of him on there flirting with other women tears my heart to shreds. Makes me feel useless. Not good enough.
We'll see if he actually does it, or not.

He speaks. I listen.
He hurts me. I forgive.
Is it wise? I do not know.

My Sir does not have time for me anymore. :(

I am so very sad and lonely. :'(
I do not matter.

So...

Is it PMS?
That makes me so insanely jealous!
Or is it him.

I don't like waiting, makes me sad

MlWaiting while he's probably sexually satisfying one of the others, instead of being with me. "I" need him.
Makes me mad!
Makes me want to hit something!
But then....
I don't even know that "That" is what he's doing, instead of being with me.
But, I don't know that it isn't. And just the knowledge that it very well could be is enough to make my blood boil.
I don't want him to want them!!!!!!!
I want him to want me!!!!!!!!
So here I am, in my bed, alone, miserable, waiting, simmering, even though he has no idea. While he is off with one of his other women. Makes me feel like I am a fool. A fool for putting so much of myself into this relationship. The fact is, he's too busy with his wife and other girls. He simply does not have time for me, I am not his priority. He wants and has too many women. He cannot or will not give me what I need because he's too busy with others. :(
Very sad.

He says.... I chase windmills.... Perhaps.
Or perhaps I am blinded by my love for him most of the rest of the time. 
I'm sad.
Sad that he does not have the same desire to say good night to me, as I have to say goodnight to him.
He forgets me. Goes to bed. To sleep without even a thought of me. I have to beg to hear his voice - just so that I can sleep.
I should not have to beg, not have to remind him. "Hey, Bill, over here! Remember me??" He should have the desire himself. But he just doesn't. He forgets me, or else he chooses not to say goodnight to me. :'(

So, he did call, he said they were watching a movie, he said that he couldn't talk to me because she was waiting for him.
So here I am. Alone.
Crying myself to sleep.
Again.
What is the point of this.

MINE!!!!!!! DAMMIT!!!!!

I am freaking out inside. I don't know why these thoughts come into my head. Thoughts of him with Brittany, telling her the same things he tells me, making her cum. Thinking maybe he enjoys being with her more than with me. Ugh! Why, why does he have to have these other women. It makes things so much harder.
I don't want to be just another one of his playthings. Ugh!
Why, why do these thoughts come in my head. I left Fet so that I wouldn't have to see this crap or think about it anymore. But I know he's on there. I know he's got these other women that he has sex with. Ugh! Seriously makes me think about leaving him, even though I love him and it would cause me great pain.
I don't want to have to share my Dom. I don't want to have to give up Fet life to keep from being upset about my Dom's other women, or his flirting, I want him to be just mine, all mine. And I can never ever have that with him. It's so sad, so very sad, crying my eyes out now.
It makes me very angry and resentful that I was forced to give up my place on his profile. I had no choice, it was either, give that up, or give him up. I am very angry that I had to make that choice. That he was so oblivious to how he was hurting me. Ugh! SMH.
Why do these thoughts have to torment me this way. :'(

I love him so much. :'(

I wonder why

Some days I'm so emotional, and other days, not so much.
I dunno.

So many feels!

I am in bed, though not sleeping.
Today I was so emotional. I felt like I found my Dom again, like he had been gone. Or perhaps it was me who was gone, who was distant, floating away. Today I felt close to him again. I felt like this is where I belong, with him.
Crying, but happy tears.

I sent these messages to him...
Thoughts run through my mind, of your requirements of me, of exercise, and bedtimes, writing in my journal, and cumming for no one but you, and never touching unless I am with you, and knowing you have these requirements, makes me smile, brings me comfort and calm, a sense of purpose... to please you. I need rules to obey, I need them to be enforced, I need you to check up on me, and give me discipline when I need it, you give me these things and I am very grateful. Thank you so very much for choosing me to be your submissive.  I love you.

Sometimes I do forget, I forget the nature of our relationship, that is when I start to feel insecure, when it seems as though I am the one in control. Even though it may not be true, if it seems that way, it causes me to be anxious. It makes it difficult for me to surrender to you. Sometimes I need a reminder. Sex does remind me somewhat, but even with just your tone, like today, in your messages, reminded me of my place and I am feeling much more secure than I have been of late. I want to share this with you, so you know what I need to be happy and calm and secure in our relationship. It's not that I think you will leave, I no longer have that fear, it never enters my mind anymore. But sometimes I do feel like I am floating away, hard to explain, but I sometimes need you to pull me back. forcefully remind me of my place. I know you don't enjoy being harsh with me, and I love you for that, but sometimes I do need a reminder that you are my Dom NOT my friend with benefits, if you know what I mean.

He sent back wonderful audio messages. Soo dominant, Sooo commanding I love them, I listened over and over.
I love my Sir. And I know that he loves me. *kisses*

I love my Sir. I need my Sir's love.

When I accept that I am his, and surrender to him, when I know beyond doubt that I belong to him, that he owns me. That's when I'm happiest. When there is no doubt in my mind about my place in his life, in his heart, in his bed. That's when I'm happiest.
When he loves me.
That's when I'm happiest.

Christmas

Has come and gone.
Didn't feel like Christmas without Marc and his mom.
I feel rather numb about it all.
Like I was/am just on auto pilot, going through the motions until it's finally over. No real break downs. Just weirdness. Odd disassociated type feelings. Like I was merely an observer.
Like I was drugged to make me stay calm, but, I wasn't.
I did shed a few tears, in private, I don't like crying in front of them (my girls) because I think it makes them angry. Because it's all my fault. I am the one who destroyed our family. My choices. Led to this misery. I have destroyed all our lives. I am a horrible person and I hate myself for what I have done.

Loving him.

It's Christmas.
The last voice I heard today was that of my precious Grizzly.
The sound of his voice in my ear brings such happiness to my heart, a smile to my lips, and a tear to my eye because I love him so. I want to be with him. I wish with all my heart that our situations were different. I wish I could just be his forever. I want to feel his touch. I want to know how it feels to touch him. To give him my love. *sigh*. I want him in real time. Being cyber lovers is not enough. I ache in the pit of my stomach with a longing to go to him, to just leave everything here behind me, and go to him. He is all that matters.
But then, I remember Ella. And my daughters. My family. My life here.  And I also know, he doesn't want me there. What we have IS enough for him. He has his wife. He does not want me too close for comfort.
I know that he loves me. (Although there is a bit of White Knight syndrome in there too).
I fucking want to be in his arms!!!
For real!!!!
I want my Dom to hold me, love me, kiss me!!!
I want to feel him!!! I need to feel him!!!
Ugh!
I suspect. It will never happen.
We will never meet.
He is too far away.
He is not even entitled to vacation time for a very long time. Who knows what might happen by then, and besides that. He has no plans to come here. Oh sure he mentions it, but he's never sat down and thought about the real logistics of it. Because. It's just not that important to him.
And the reason that it's just not that important is because he already has someone, there, someone he loves more than anyone else in the world. If I was his only love, he would think of way to come to me or bring me to him. He doesn't NEED me. He would be consumed with a desire to hold me in his arms. But he doesn't have a strong desire to meet me in real life. He's perfectly happy the way things are.
I had that, someone who needed me, wanted to be with me only (although not sexually). I gave it up.
For what?
Nothing.
I will never have a Dom, i mean a real Dom, one who lives the lifestyle and wants to collar me. It was just ridiculous for me to even think for one second that I could have that. And now I have no one. I'm here. On Christmas. Alone.
Crying myself to sleep.
Yet again.
No one to touch me or even hug me. No physical contact from another human being. I'm dying. Inside. Emotionally starving to death. I need the touch and the physical love of a man.

An article that I want to keep....

I have spent most of my 20s in emotionally abusive relationships. Until a year ago, I thought I was the worst kind of damaged goods, a girl who could only love men who hurt her.

I know there are three sides to every story. In this article, you're going to hear one; mine. I don't write this with venom. The men I've been involved with were handsome, smart, charming and talented. There were good times. The bad times outweighed them.

Most people don't know I've been in (to clarify again) emotionally abusive relationships. From the outside, I'd bet my life looks pretty great. Some parts of it always were. I guess I am proof that there is no likely candidate for abuse.

For a long time, I found my romantic past embarrassing, confusing and very sad. I didn't want to talk about my experiences because I thought that my kind of pain was self-inflicted.

If I was stupid enough to stay, I deserved it.

But when "the Jian Ghomeshi thing" happened, it was all I could think about. When people first sided with Ghomeshi and not his victims, I was so mad I started shaking. When I started listening to Serial, I had recurring dreams about Hae Min Lee. I was obsessed with figuring out who killed her.

Then, I started dreaming of all my ex-boyfriends again.

Trauma is a funny thing. It hides in the shadowy corners of your mind, resurfacing when all you want is for it to be erased from your memory forever.

I'm writing this for a lot of reasons. Some of them are: I think abusive relationships are an epidemic in our society. It could help someone understand their friend, their sister, their daughter who keeps going back. It could help someone who keeps going back. Because articles like this helped me.

Because what trauma really wants is a voice.

To anyone who needs help,

You think you are crazy.

You're anxious all the time. Your heart beats quickly.

You have a lot of questions for your boyfriend that you don't feel like you can ask. You wonder if you're always being lied to. You spend a lot time in the past, likely when you first fell in love him.

You apologize constantly. When you explain your fights to anyone who will listen, no one understands why you're apologizing. You are always confused.

You're high as a fucking kite when he's nice to you. He says "one small thing," and with an embarrassing clarity, you are reminded of all the parts you of yourself you hate. How can he see those parts so clearly?

You cry a lot. Sometimes you know why. Sometimes you don't.

You are not crazy.

When you're with your boyfriend, you're usually with just him alone. You feel weird around your friends and family, the people you used to feel the most yourself around. You can't remember how to feel like yourself anymore. Now, being in your own skin is like a long dull headache that won't lift and then feels like normal. Pretty much all your thoughts about yourself are negative.

"I used to be funny, why aren't I funny anymore?"

You think you are crazy.

There will be good days with your boyfriend. There will be miraculous days of exquisite and suffering beauty between you two.

On these days, you will feel better than the best and like everything's okay. You will believe that the chaos has made you stronger; that he loves you more than anything. These days are bright spots in the darkness that has descended upon you. They are the moments of hope that you'll cling to, your proof that everything is okay.

But moments aren't a life. Moments aren't enough. You deserve weeks, months and years of feeling like everything is okay. You deserve a lifetime of that.

When your relationship ends, you will drown in the confusing, competing narratives in your head, just like you did while in the relationship. Memory is going to be a weird thing for you for a while. Grief is a delusional state.

We really loved each other. I could've helped him if I'd tried harder. I'm not perfect.And sometimes, I don't think love shouldn't feel like this.

The latter will be quieter, the former will roar inside you. Some days, you will think you left the most beautiful relationship and the truest love in the whole world. Some days you will think you are just hysterical and crazy and that you weren't being abused at all.

Until very recently, I still had days like that.

After you break up with him, you might not feel an immediate sense of relief, empowerment or really anything that resembles "I know this is the right thing." You will likely feel very alone. Unfortunately, coming out of the fog with your eyes open is more painful than slipping into one without noticing.

But remember: feelings aren't the truth. You aren't the worst off you've ever been. Expect the sadness. It sounds crazy but welcome it. That sadness is going to live in you for a long time and it will teach you a lot. I know you don't believe me, but that sadness is your friend. That sadness is your becoming.

Not everyone you lose is a loss.

Tell your story no matter how murky the details seem at first. Keep talking. Read every article you can find on abuse until you feel an intellectual understanding of what happened tunnel into you emotionally. The head will come first, your heart will follow; it will all become clearer.

Talk to your friends. Talk to your family. I promise you have more than one person in your life that can sympathize with you in the deepest of ways. You know someone who has lived through this. Maybe it's your mom. Maybe she modeled this kind of love for you.

If you're lucky like I was, you'll find a therapist that can help you. There are also a lot of free resources. There are a lot of great 12 step meetings you can go to. There is free counseling available (links below).

When getting help, you will have to reflect on your relationship. Don't blame yourself for not leaving sooner, and don't let anyone else blame you, either. In moments of trauma and shock the brain has a funny way of protecting itself. It's called disassociating. You have done a lot of this.

You will remember about three months in your ex-boyfriend did something and it was like a mask was lifted. He showed you a person you had never met before. I mention this because statistically an abusive person will do something that throws you completely off balance within the first three months. Then, they will be really sorry.

You will come to learn that real love is not a cycle of cruelty, effusive apologies, a honey-moon period, then a dreaded waiting for the other shoe to drop followed by more cruelty. Abusive relationships are defined by this pattern.

When you do leave, you will realize that the space that your relationship took up was enormous. It was, whether you knew it or not, the monkey on the back of every thought you had. When it's gone, the emptiness left in its wake will feel like an ocean around you

It will take way longer than you want to "get over it," and you will think you will never reach the shore.

You will.

When I was newly single and going on dates, this is how it went. First, I dated blindly and way more than I should have. I was attracted to guys who were like all my ex-boyfriends, physically and emotionally. Then, I started dating people who were completely different but whom I was not ready to love. Like a scientist, I observed how they treated me with a confusing detachment and thought, "Oh, so this is what it should be like."

"So, this is what kindness is like."

Dating made me feel like the loneliest person in the world for a long time. I wish now I hadn't done it at all, but withdrawal is painful and uncomfortable. I was willing to try anything to feel just a little better.

You will miss your ex boyfriend in a way you didn't know was possible and you don't think should be allowed. You will want to get back together. Abusive relationships fuck your brain chemistry up. They're addictive, and the withdrawal is not fun.

Don't worry, with time, your brain will even out. In awhile, you won't want to be with him anymore. Crying helps you detox, so do a lot of it. So does sleeping, exercise, therapy, eating healthy, seeing your friends and laughing.

For me, alcohol didn't really help. Or I guess, it did, until it didn't.

When you're in the withdrawal phase, you'll begin to understand why you thought being in an abusive relationship was okay for you. You're going to have to look at a lot of your past and your inherited patterns. It can get heavy but knuckle through it. You can do it. I did.

You will tell people that know your ex-boyfriend about what happened and how he treated you. Likely, no one will be surprised by his behaviour. Likely, no one will confront him. This is one of the saddest parts of our world. You will feel like the last one in on a sick joke.

Your ex-boyfriend will probably never apologize to you. If you do hear from him or see him, he will make you feel crazy. He's really good at that. He will likely minimize your history, dismiss your relationship and pull the rug out from under you again. The way he frames you and your relationship will be distorted.

I believe that amends can happen, but usually, not in a timely manner. Like you need time to really unpack and understand why it all happened, so will he. Now factor into this that you have the desire to understand yourself and your behaviour.

The closure you desire is a myth and it's not reachable in one conversation. Closure happens slowly and keeps happening. You'll give it to yourself.

If you leave your boyfriend for someone else, beware. Until you truly understand why you were in the situation you were, emotionally and intellectually, your subconscious will have a sad way of attracting an identical relationship that looks completely different from the outside. This is not always true, but has been my experience.

At first, when the fog is lifting, you will look at your past self with shock and disgust. Then, later, you will look at your past self with sadness. Then, with understanding. Finally, you feel the most visceral pride for the moment you left, even if you didn't want to -- because you did that on the blind faith that life might be better on the other side. You did that on hope alone. You didn't know what you do now. That's so brave.

You are so brave.

I know how scared you are. I still get scared. My year of recovery has been the most challenging and rewarding of my life. It's not perfect and I don't think it ever will be. I get lonely and restless. I live with those feelings. Actually, I try to understand them.

One day, your life will look like a version of mine. Things will keep getting better and better, faster and faster. Good things will keep finding you. You will be really happy. That happiness will get so big that you won't notice how the sadness is lifting until it's almost gone.

My life is full of hard work, art, friends who love and support me, friends that I am lucky to know. I have more energy than I know what to do with. I am the most productive I have ever been. I travel, I have meaningful conversation, I rest, I laugh a lot, I stay out too late. I am closer to my family than ever before. I found my way back to my old friends.

Maybe I'm becoming myself again.

Finally, (I know you're worried about this) you will meet someone else. You will fall in love again and this time, it will be about more than your wounds matching up with someone else's. It will be different and it will be better.

But something becomes more important to you than romantic love and it's called self-worth. It will feel like it happens almost over night, but you will grow to love the person you are. You should.

You fought hard to become her.

Love,

Katie

P.S. If you have a friend or a family member, male, female or transgender, that you suspect is the victim of emotional abuse, tell them you are there for them. Tell them you support them unwaveringly. Believe what they're telling you. Tell them you will be there for them when they decide to leave. Show them this article or articles like this. Send them these links:

http://coda.org/

http://therumpus.net/sections/dear-sugar/

http://www.familyservicetoronto.org/walkincounselling.html

http://ontario.cmha.ca/mental-health/services-and-support/

http://stoprelationshipabuse.org/educated/types-of-abuse/emotional-abuse/

http://www.tirp.ca/

Seems like we're growing apart

I don't have a lot of contact with Bill anymore. A few minutes, here and there. I'm not upset. But I do miss him. It does feel as though we are growing apart. He is more like a friend with benefits than a Sir. I don't feel those submissive feelings towards him. On the rare occasion I do. But not often. We don't have time to have sex very much. I pretty much just keep busy with other things so that I'm not getting all hot and horny with no opportunity for release. That can get to be too frustrating. I know from past experience. I'm doing better being on my own though. I don't break into tears as much. I'm comfortable here in my apartment. I'm not feeling desperately lonely. Actually, I've stopped talking to people from Badoo. It bores me. lol

Christmas is coming. We will be celebrating on Monday. It should be a wonderful day. ;)

So cold

Tonight my apartment is freezing. My feet and ankles so cold they were hurting. So I put on some layers, then got under my blankets, after being here for an hour or so, my feet finally feel warm.

G was hospitalized. Had to do with  the colitis that he  had when he was younger. He's home safe now.

I think I'm getting used to not being able to contact him. Although, I think it does also mean that I'm not as dependent on him. Which means we're not as close as we were. But maybe that's a good thing. I do need to be able to stand on my own two feet. Without always depending on him.

Christmas coming only a few days away well I guess it's six days away. Still that's not very long. I've got lots of snow flakes made me be about 40. Just need to get the mone stiffened and then can give them out to people on Christmas. I hope people like them. I figure it's something they can keep forever and it will remind them of me. That maybe they'll hang them on the tree every year or something. That would be very sweet.

Today, well yesterday

My family took me out for Chinese. And then they gave me $150 of grocery cards to help me out. It was amazing. I am blessed.

mmm

Surprise time with G. mmm

he had to pull over, because he wanted to cum with me
mmm
I like that he wanted me so much

Wearing his shirt. mmm Smells like him.
God I want him here with me so badly!
ugh!

Dreams

Dreamt that my phone was ringing, Jasmine's ringtone. So I wake up and reach for my phone. You know, cause I didn't know it was just a dream. Nope, phone was not ringing! Ugh! Stupid dream! lol

So aroused

I've been so aroused today. Thinking of Grizz, thinking of him making me cum. I wrote him a little story, teasing, but I think, well, I know, it backfired on me. I messaged him and I need to come. So he had me call Emily was on his way two sons. And your voice in my ear and the images describe doing to me fucking hot man. I'm coming and gushing for him oh my god it was so high fuck I love him. Now I'm just lying here he's going to play music. I just need to lie here for a bit and relax. I just need to I guess I just want to I just want to enjoy this tingling in my toes. Fuck I want him to come here and fuck me for real. God I just want to be with a real man, I don't mean real physically although, that too, I mean a strong, confident, man who can be dominant. I want a man who would take control. Just use me , take pleasure from me, oh god, the way he does. I want him. I want him here in my bed. Right now! I want him to fuck me, I want him to fun in me. I want to feel that hot seed filling me. *sigh*
Someday. Ugh! Someday is not fast enough! lol *sigh*

What if I was to go there. Would he want that. I don't really know. I'm never really sure where I stand. But I don't know if it's just me, or if there's a reason I doubt. I don't really trust my own judgment in these matters. I've been fooled too many times.

I wish we were in another universe, one where he is mine, and mine alone. We'd live as Master and slave. I would serve him the best i could. No wife, no baby girls. Just Him and me. Having lots of hot sex. I know, I know, that will never happen, but it's a nice fantasy.

I long to be touched. To have a man's warm hands on me. 
I long to be spanked
Restrained
Forced to orgasm.
To have my Sir play with my body
To see that he enjoys it.
To be his slut that he can do with as he pleases, when he pleases. I want that so badly.  I feel the ache in the pit of my stomach.

So sleepy now. lol

Busy Day

I went to a Christmas party today. It was a lot of fun. I was so excited when I got home so happy it was so great to go and be with people were having fun and laughing It was so great.

I got to talk to grizz a little bit when I got home. Not for too long but a little bit. I am glad that I even got that. Not used to going to sleep without talking to him now. It would make me sad. I love him a lot.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about dating or at least meeting someone for coffee maybe various someone's. I'm afraid though. I'm afraid of a lot of things actually. My biggest fear is that I will lose grizz. I don't want that to happen.  I'm starting to think I'm almost strong enough to start thinking about having another man in my life I mean a real life physical man who lives near me. I want to keep grizz to though. So that doesn't leave me a lot of options. I know I know I want my cake and eat it too. Just wish I could have grizz and have a sir here too. And I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to cause him sadness. I don't want him to stop having cyber sex with me and phone sex with me. But I think that's what will happen if I say that I want to start dating I think he will stop having sex with me. I think he'll pull away from me. And I understand why he would do that because he would need to and I'm kind of let go a little bit so that he wouldn't get to hurt but I don't want that I don't want him to pull away from me at all. I don't know I start thinking about it and then I think oh maybe, maybe I'm ready to agreed to go for coffee but then when I actually think about doing it I get afraid. What if they don't like me. What if I don't like them? What if they turn out to be a dangerous person? What if I like them but they're not a Dom ? What if bill decides that if I'm looking for another man he has to back away from me, completely release me, I don't want that I can't handle that. I'm not ready for that. I don't know if I ever will be ready for that. I'm just very lonely. But I definitely want a DOM or a master not a boyfriend not a husband and there are very specific criteria that he's got to have. I don't want any players. I don't want a married man. Although a married man might be better. A married man might be more accepting of my Grizz.
I need a man who will treat me like Michael did. I don't mean how he disappeared on me. I just mean his attitude his mannerism the way he said I must always call him Sir. I must always answer yes sir or no sir. And I must obey Him. I want to really be a submissive I want to belong to a man. I need to know that he owns me. I need to feel like I'm his. I know I have grizz. And I am his. And I do obey Him. But it's just not the same. Its very very seldom now that I feel submissive feelings towards him. I feel a great deal of love towards him. But I don't feel his dominance. Every now and then I do a certain word or a certain look or a certain attitude that he gets. I long for more of that. And now, now he has a job, and very very little time for me . I I try to be understanding. It's just .... When I'm not with him, I'm alone. He's not. He has his wife. He has Jess. He has Brittany and he has Nicki. Maybe there's more to I don't know. The point is I need him but he doesn't need me.
I'm not sure if he understands that. I'm not sure if he understands the difference between him and I in that manner I mean that context. I feel like they are a group and I'm an outsider.

Sometimes I think, maybe grizz would help me find a good Dom. Then I wonder if that's too much to ask would that be too painful for him? Is that going to break his heart? That brings tears to my eyes immediately. I can't stand the thought of hurting him. Hurting him would just tear my heart out.
Why why do I always get myself in these situations? Into a relationship where it's the it's not exactly what I need it's not exactly when or what but I love them and I don't want to hurt them and so I get stuck. I don't know I think I'm just rambling on now.
Time to sleep if I can its 3 a.m. Hopefully. I can.

Another morning

Another day... They just keep coming no matter what.

I feel like i didn't sleep.

But I know I did.
A lot of aches and pains. Ugh!

Can't sleep

Awake for hours, or waking up several times. So hard to shut off my brain. Doesn't seem to work no matter what I do. So I watch TV to stop my brain from thinking. Or I come to bed and I play my game. But then once I run out of lives I can't play my game anymore. So then I have to find something else to do.

I think about my sir. I can smell the way it smells in my room after we've been together. It's not an unpleasant smell I think its from all of the gushing. It reminds me of him. It reminds me of being his. How wonderful he makes me feel and how aroused. I love him so much.

But I can't sleep. I can't seem to relax.

Sir and I had a huge fight I guess you'd call it a fight. I'm not sure if that's what you call it. He was angry and I was angry. I expressed my anger disrespectfully which was wrong of me. He didn't talk to me for the rest of the evening. I understood he was angry and didn't want to say anything nasty. I was feeling the same way I just didn't want to say anything more nasty than I already had. What happened was... he started talking about that person whom he felt it was necessary to act as her DOM and make sure she was doing all her so called assigned tasks... assigned by who I can only guess I assumed it was him, but anyway, at the time when he told me about her he was also not having very much time for me that's  how I felt, and he was also telling me that his baby girl Jess was complaining that he had no time for her. But somehow he had time for that other little bitch. And then I had asked him that after I close my FetLife account that he wouldn't talk about the people from there basically he wouldn't talk about all the women that he's interested in. It upsets me. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough. Like he needs more women he needs other women someone else because I'm not good enough. It makes me fearful. I start being afraid that he's going to fall in love with them and he's going to not want me anymore. That he'll take away his love and take away his affection and take away his attention and take away all the wonderful things that he gives me. I don't want to lose him. I know I know he has chosen me that's what he says. But he has lied to me before. And I do believe that if it suited his purposes he would lie again. I'm not saying he's an evil person for that. I merely being pragmatic that's the way it is that's the fact of the matter and that's all there is to it. That doesn't mean I love him any less but it does mean that I don't always trust that what he tells me is true. I try to remember that most of the things that we talk about even if he is lying it doesn't really matter. Because he still giving me the things that I need. But still it's hard. It's hard to know that he could choose to lie to me again in a heartbeat.

I love being with him. I love how he makes me feel. I love when he gives me commands and when he insists or correct me and makes me call him Sir. That's when I feel the most alive. When he puts me in my place. I don't want to be his girlfriend, or his mistress , or his wife, or anything like that. I want to be his submissive I want to be treated like I am his property that is when I feel completely loved completely safe that is when I adore him. He checked up on my journal writing. That was amazing the feeling I got when he confronted me with that. When I became aware that he cared enough to check that he cared enough to talk about it with me and insist that I do it. That was amazing. I do wish he was a little more forceful. Because when he's not I lose my focus.

I've been getting depressed periodically. Like really badly depressed. Even thoughts of suicide. But not like, you know, particular thoughts of how I would do it . But more just not wanting to be here. Not wanting to be a burden on anyone. Not having anyone to take care of me. Being lonely. Not knowing what the future holds and thinking that I'm just going to be alone for the rest of my life. It all gets me really down. but then a couple of times I thought about Ariella and how much she would miss me and how sad she would be if I was gone. that helped me to pull out of a little bit. Enough that I realized I just need to wait it out. Just go to sleep or distract myself for a while and eventually I would feel better. I definitely couldn't have made it through those tough times without my Sir. Just having him there to listen may well have saved my life. Knowing that he really does care about me. That he loves me. Even though I don't really know why... I do know that he does.

Ok enough of that thinking about sad things.

my sir went back to work. So now he has very very little time for me.  Today he called ...well texted me and I called but same thing.... And he talked very quickly for 2 or 3 minutes and then said goodbye, well said goodnight I guess . I didn't get a chance to talk to him at all I barely said 2 words. I feel kind of like I've been muzzled. Because I didn't get to tell him anything or say anything. And he didn't even notice. That makes me sad. But I know he didn't mean to do that he's just busy. He had a long day. But it does make me wonder, it makes me wonder how much time he spent with his other ladies today, not that he shouldn't spend time with them of course he should, but not at my expense they are not my baby girls they are not my responsibility.

I'm so silly... Sigh..Not only do I  fall in love with a married man. Not only is he married, but he also has three other women that he cares for and has sex with. How stupid am I. I know I can never be with him. I mean I will never be his life partner. I will never even live with him I will never even live close to him. It will be a miracle if I even ever get to meet him in person. But I love him. I do get concerned sometimes that my being with him will prevent me from moving on because I don't want to give him up , it's just not fair. But then life's not fair that's just the way it is.  Sometimes I wonder about his baby girls because he says he wants them to have relationships. But I think as long as they have him they won't find any relationships they don't need to they don't want to and sometimes I think he's being unfair to them. He keeps them on the hook... kind of like addicted to him ...and he keeps feeding them his drug and until he stops they will never be free to find someone else to love. So he's stopping them from having lives, from getting married and having children. Because they love him and they don't want to give him up. They don't want to chance it they are not willing to risk it. Neither am I. That's how I know. I'm caught between wanting the touch of a man and wanting to keep my Sir. I can't have both. At least that's how it seems.

Sigh. Enough for tonight.

Time to close my eyes and try to stop thinking.

There's no winning

I can't win. There's no way for me to be happy. I want out. Out of existence.

Angel of Love

The support group I was in gave us all a deck of angel cards.

Twice I was thinking of G and twice I pulled out the Angel of Love.
Coincidence?
Random chance?
I do not know, but it did make me feel very happy.

G noticed that I haven't been writing here. That made me very very happy. The fact that he checked.
That he cared enough.
That... Means so very much to me.
I love him.
My Sir.

I miss you.

I miss you.

This is NOT my fault

There were many many issues before I made the decision to be Grizz's submissive.

I need to SHOW UP in my life.
Not dwell on the past.
Not wait for the future.
Live in the here and now.

When he starts taking up space in my head I will redirect my thoughts to something about me.
Like the coffee... I like Chai  tea and I'm going to have one.
Remember they are using me as the scapegoat. I must not join them.
He was very self centered. Only really cared about himself, his needs.
He is definitely mentally ill.
I may have some issues because my life has turned inside out. But I'm not mentally ill. I will recover and become stronger.
I am NOT the cause of everyone's pain.
I should not have gone back because guilt was really the only reason.

I was very unhappy and I was using coping strategies to survive.
Like tuning him out.
Like avoiding being at home.
Like lashing out and being angry telling him not to talk to me.

I wanted my marriage to last I did not want to give up. But I reached my breaking point and could no longer cope.
BDSM was my escape.
A strong man, who I didn't have to take care of, I didn't have to mother.
Someone who would take care of me.
A Dom/Master.
I have that now, sort of. He can't take care of me physically but he does take care of my emotional and sexual needs. Well keeps my sexual needs down to a dull roar. I do sometimes long for the physical touch of man, of my Dom. I long to be held in his strong arms, to know what it's like to be held and comforted by him. To feel him inside me, taking me, using me for his pleasure. Taking complete control of me. mmm.

It's been a good day

Very happy tonight. So glad that I have Grizz. *sigh*

Valuable Service

I was talking with KC today. Told him I deleted both of my Fet accounts. I asked him if he thought I was wrong to stay with Grizz. To my surprise he said no. He reminded me that without Grizz I'd be a hot, horny, Dom crazy mess, a danger to myself, and that Grizz is providing me with a valuable service, keeping my libido in check.

So I sent him this message...
(After we had some very fun, very loud phone sex *smiling*)

Thank you for keeping me safe. Safe from my over active libido. Because I have you, I am not out sleeping with a bunch of strangers or giving my submission to any dangerous Dom's. ;) I love you my Grizzly bear!

*happy sub*

I do love him so much. So much.

I love him, I am staying :)

It was a long day, full of thoughts.
I wrote it all out once but apparently deleted it.

I am deleting my Fet account. I have decided.
I do not want to lose Bill.
He is more important to me than that stupid website.
I want to move past all the garbage.
I have forgiven him but I need to be able to forget so that I can truly submit to him the way I want to.
He is my rock, and I will cling to him for support until I can stand on my own and then I will walk beside him. Where I belong.

I love you Bill. (kisses)

Very sad

I'm very sad.
Thoughts of asking to be released.
I just can't deal with it.
So many lies.
I don't trust him.
He's still friends with the one that pretended to be my friend but was having sex with him the whole time, he lied, she lied, and he reprimanded me for being jealous of her knowing all the while that he was lying to me. Dancing romantically with her at the Whistle Stop. Still hurts deeply that he was so publicly disrespectful to me.
Usually I don't have to see her profile, but today he put a love on something she wrote.
I just don't know if I can continue to be his submissive if he is still friends with her.
I can't really talk to him about this.
I don't want him to decide to end our relationship while I'm so emotional.
I need to think for a few days.
I honestly don't know what I would do without him. But having her thrown in my face is just not something I can continue to accept.
If I say her or me. He will choose her.
He will say, I don't control him.
Be angry.
So I cannot tell him that I'm thinking of leaving him because of her. I do not want to be a "manipulative bitch" as KC would say. Therefore I cannot threaten to leave if keeps her as his friend. I must decide if I can continue to be his submissive even if he is friends with her. If I can't then I will have no choice but to walk away.
This tears my heart out.
The thought of being without him hurts so much.
But being hurt every time I log in to Fet is just too much.
Every comment to her, every love on her writing is like a slap in the face to me.

Smiling

Tonight I'm smiling. I'm so happy.
Grizz was more forceful in his words with me today. *happy sigh*
Giving me what I need.
Taking control. Exerting his authority over me. *sigh*
It brought back those feelings, just a little. Those submissive feelings that I crave.
I'm his.
Sigh

Just after I wrote this, he became very direct and dominant.
He said basically, what he does with his time is none of my business.
That did not go over well.
While he is kind of right.
It upset me.
I think it might just be the dominant woman in me wanting control, fighting with my want and need to submit.
Surrendering my will to his.
That is what I want.
Then why do I fight it sometimes.
Hmmm
I think, fear.
Yes. Fear.

My Temper Tantrum

I wrote this a couple of hours ago.... I thought about deleting it... but... I changed my mind.
I do think I was just having a little temper tantrum.






I don't even care about writing in this stupid journal anymore.
He doesn't care, doesn't ask, doesn't check, so why should I.

Makes me so very mad that he said he was making sure that one of his little bitch faces was doing her daily tasks... ya I know I know, he does ask me about some things, but ugh!
If he has time to do that for her, then he should have more time for me!!!
She was not even his babygirl. And he says Jess is upset because he hasn't had time for her... then tell me how did he have time for this other stupid little bitch!

Don't fucking give me a chore or a task and then completely forget about it, what's the fucking point!
This is supposed to be a D/s relationship not an S/s!

Ugh! I am just irritable right now.
Not really sure why.
I think I am not getting what I need.
I need a Dom, NOT a boyfriend!

Things seem to be unraveling.
I guess I am just in a bad mood!

Missing

Missing Marc a lot today.
Everything reminds me of him.
I wish I could go back to January and never meet Michael.
I've lost a man who truly loved me.
No he wasn't perfect, far from it.
It used to make sense. I had reasons.
But now that I've lost everything I think...
For what.
For nothing.
:(
To be alone.
To have a Dom who lives 2700 km away, who I probably will never even touch. Who says he'll do things but doesn't follow through, or at least he hasn't yet. Who has at least 3 other women besides me (3 that I know of for sure) and he is married to boot.
How did I get here.
Sub Frenzy?
It's gone now.
I rarely feel that submissive rush anymore. I don't know how to get it back.
It's sad.
I love Grizz.
But he's not really a Dom. Not in the BDSM sense.
Or maybe it's just that he's more of a "Daddy" than a Sir.
I obey him, but I am losing that submissive mindset towards him. I'm not sure why. I will continue to be obedient, because maybe it will come back. Maybe that's how it works. You know, like, being in love, you don't always feel those strong feelings of love, they come and go.
Maybe it's the same with submission, with those feelings of a rush of "whatever it is". Maybe that waxes and wanes as well. I hope so.

At any rate, I'm staying right where I am for the foreseeable future. I'm feeling very confused, very mixed up. Not sure of anything or of anyone. I especially don't trust myself. Apparently I am not a very good judge of character. I don't feel entirely safe with Grizz. I think circumstances could arise that would lead him to betray me again. Right now he's all I have. But I do think he is led by his desires, he's not in control of them or of himself sometimes, and that makes for a dangerous Dom. Emotionally dangerous, not physically. I am very afraid that he will hurt me, again, and the next time will be worse.
Am I dwelling on bad memories?
Living in the past?... hmm...
Is that what I'm doing?
Maybe.
It's hard to just forget everything.
All that's happened.
Between me and Marc
Between me and Grizz
A lot of crap.
A lot lies and half truths.
On my part as well. I am by no means innocent.
There is no way to know if someone is lying or not.
Yes. It's sad.
Enough!
Keep moving forward.
Like Grizz says, that's what I have to do, just keep moving. Sigh.

He loves me :)

"Baby I'm glad you're home. Don't let that happen again. Make sure I can contact you at all times.
All times."

This is how I know... He loves me.
*happy sigh*

You

You are so important.
You are my rock, I would be lost without you.
I am yours.

He cares

I know Grizz cares about me, why else would he stick around.

Quality Time

Today I got to Video chat with Bill.
I was a little nervous, but he put me at ease. He sang me some songs, and we chatted. He had to look for a pick for his guitar, when he had his back to me, i could see his strong shoulders through his T-shirt, very sexy, i imagined running my hands over his shoulders... mmm ...I love him so much.

He had me play with my nipples until I came. It was hot. Him telling me what to do, and knowing he could see me doing what he said. *small gasp at the memory*
Then I came many times while he watched me fuck myself with the dildo, gushing each time. I did have a folded towel under me, but, I should know by now, that's never enough. lol. Soaked through onto my bed, again. lol SMH.
When I heard him climax, I came really hard and gushed a lot.

I feel my temperature rise when I think about it. My breathing gets heavier and my pussy muscles clench. I am a little embarrassed about my brazenness, when I think about what I did while he watched.

Our time today was very special.

I am lost

I look down at my hands, knuckles swollen from the arthritis, and I am reminded that Marc loved me anyway, even with all my imperfections. Makes me cry. The way I treated him, selfishness.
I remember how he gave up Raine for me. He loved her. But I refused to do the same for him. That destroyed him, broke him, my fault, sometimes I think I am an evil person and that I do not deserve any happiness, that I do not even deserve to live.
I think, I just want to say I am so very sorry. I wish I could take it all back, I wish I had never met Michael and fell into this trap. I was so very lonely, so sad, it's just not fair.
I thought I would be so much happier away from him, but I am not, I am still terribly lonely, and I will most likely never have another husband, another life partner.
I have simply traded one hell for another.

crying, sad, trying to find any little reason to feel happy, to have a happy thought.
Aleah hates me. Perhaps I am just an evil person. Perhaps I deserve all the hurt I get.

i am lost

It's all good

After I spend time with Bill, I'm whole again. Settled.
What is it about him, I wonder?
What does he do that just gives me that sense of peace, of calm.
*happy contented sigh* lol
Is it because I love him.
Is it because he makes me cum, is it all just a release of sexual tension.
What is it?
Is it because he's my Dom?
I don't know.
But I do know.
I'm not giving him up.

Sometimes

Sometimes it all comes back.
It stings!
The lying.
The betrayal.
He didn't come clean on his own.
He got caught.
Although, he was pretty stupid about it, seems like he wanted to get caught.
Does he really believe he did something wrong, I don't know.
He lies to his wife, and he has lied to me too. 
Can a leopard change their spots.
Sometimes I believe him 100%.
Then other times doubt creeps in.
People make mistakes, lord knows I'm no saint either.
If he hurts me and betrays me again.
It will not end well for either of us.
I won't be made a fool of again.
I hope that I have not, am not, making a huge mistake. Today, I am full of doubt.
But I don't always feel this way.
Just sometimes, when the pain of it resurfaces, when I remember how he played me for a fool.
Not just once but 3 times. Sigh.
Am I just stupid.
Lies, half truths, lies by omission.
It's all the same.

I just love him so much, and I would be so lost without him. Love is weakness.
Sigh.

I can't talk to him about this. About when these feelings come back. I don't want to keep throwing his mistakes in his face, I know he wouldn't do that to me. So I write it here. He may read it, I know, but like he says, feelings are only temporary. I'm hoping writing it out will make it go away.

Emotional

Feeling very emotional today.
Not sure why.
Tears come easy and of their own accord.
Bill said he doesn't think I am getting enough affirmation from him.
Perhaps that's true.
I do think about the fact that he had stopped telling me how amazing and beautiful I was. :(
Am I that shallow. That I need constant compliments. Ugh!

Sigh, why does he even want me.
I don't know.
:(

To me from Grizz

Why do you fear, when your presence is in my mind and heart continually?
I want my love to engulf you, drown you, claim you to your core.
Come to me! Stay with me! Bury your head in my chest, and let your tears cascade downward.

Let my hands comfort you as my fingers comb through your hair, and my palms rest on your cheeks. Let my lips meet yours, and let me taste them.

Give yourself to me fully, as you have. Keep nothing from me, not your love, or affection....nothing. I want you, all of you.

You are mine, and mine only.

Julie, I love you.

Today

I haven't written in a while.
I wanted to make a note.
Grizz is talking about deactivating his Fet profile, for a while.
He asked if it would bother me.
I said, I don't want you to ask my opinion.
It would be a dream come true.
But he needs to do it because he wants to, it must not be me forcing him.
He says, there's a lot of temptation on there and he wants to back away from that. Brought tears to my eyes. It means he truly values me.
He says, he's not looking, he says he has what he needs. Meaning me.
I love him so much.
So much.

Stupid

Sometimes I am so stupid.
I only hope my stupidity does not make me lose Grizz.

Rested

I have been to the pool, eaten some food, and rested most of the day.
I am feeling better.
Although feeling very disconnected from Grizz.
I have had some contact with him but not much.
I know he'll be back soon, I miss him.
He says he misses me too.
He says he is thinking of me.

It's been a strange day.
A day of remembering my life with Marc.
Remembering the good times, when we would sing together, and laugh, it's sad that it's all been lost.
My fault. I destroyed our lives. I lied. I cheated. I ruined my life.
Now I am alone, no one to care for me when I am sick.
How will I survive. I don't know.

My counselor says that it usually takes about a year, a year of hard work on the part of an abuser, to be truly able to start to be trusted again. She said, that is only after they come to terms with the fact that it was their choices and actions that led them to where they are. So that means he needs to take responsibility for his own actions.

I do wonder if I will ever see him again. I suppose I will at some point, Even if by accident. It's a small world. They are saying that he will probably serve 6 to 8 months in jail. I wonder if he will just blame me for that, or if he will accept that it was his actions that landed him there. I wanted to remain friends, and I could even see a day when we might be able to get back together. But that seems impossible now.

Lost

I am feeling lost.
I am missing Marc.
I am missing Bill.

I am feeling lonely.

How did I end up here all alone.

:(

I am feeling so ugly, I feel like no man would want me.
That is what Marc said to me.

Why does Grizz even want me, I don't know.

I have nothing to offer anyone.

Why
Why did I leave my husband.
If I could I would get up and go back right now.
It's good that I can't.
Maybe I just hate being alone.
I miss his hugs and his back rubs, although he had stopped doing that as much.
I have no purpose. No reason.
I have nothing.
I have no one.
I am alone in this world. We all are.
Grizz says I can't make him happy.
I know what he means. But, it's not true. His wife makes him happy.
People can make other people happy or miserable.

I feel very nauseous.

Very irritated

I am very irritated.
Just spoke with G on the phone, or rather didn't really.
He was a million miles away, honestly I don't know why he even bothered to call.
Why pretend to be missing me, why pretend to want to talk with me.
I just don't get it.

I don't understand why he wanted to call me, I really don't.

UHG!

Away

G is on a trip. With his brother(s). He's far from home, but still far from me. And there will be little to no contact with him for the next few days. Tonight I will have to go to sleep without speaking to him on the phone. It's difficult to be without him. But I really want him to be able to relax and not worry about me.

I miss him already. ;)

But I know it won't be forever. Just a few days.
While he's gone I'm going to do everything I can to be a good girl. Everything I know that he wants me to be doing, I am hoping that doing that will enable me to feel close to him even while he's away.
I will also do my best not to message him, unless he messages me first.

As we travel together on this journey, I'm learning many things. Especially what I want and need as far as a D/s relationship. If, and that's a huge if... If I ever go looking for a real time Dom, who is near me...
Things I know I want

Monogamy
At least for the first year. I want someone who's focus will be on me/us, our relationship only. Others create distraction. I think it's of utmost importance for a new Dom/sub relationship that both Dom and sub focus on each other.

An Older Man
He must be older than me. G is 15 years older, and that seems pretty good. At least 10 yes older, or someone who acts /looks likes that.

Experience
He must know about the BDSM lifestyle. He must fully understand and appreciate subspace and sub-drop and their affects on a submissive. He must take aftercare very seriously and know how to bring me back down safely and gently. He must have complete respect for hard limits and safe words.

24/7
He must want a sub/slave 24/7, even if we didn't live together, he must be willing and able to take control of my whole life, not just in the bedroom.

He must be a gentleman.

These are some of the qualities I've learned that I prefer. G does have some of them.

He is not and will never be monogamous. He is polygynous. That means he prefers to have many women who are all monogamous to him. 

I didn't really know this before I fell in love with him. I really didn't know anything. I just jumped in with both feet without testing the water, without seeing if there were any sharks. And I got bitten.

It does still bother me sometimes, a tiny sting, in that I feel like he did not give me the devotion that I gave him when we first met. But, I can't see myself without him now.
And things have changed a lot since then.
I believe that he is in love with me and I know that I'm in love with him. We have something special, something really good and I don't want to lose it.
When I'm with him I'm complete.
He can never give me monogamy though. Because he's married to someone else, and he loves her, and she will always come first. Which is as it should be. I do fantasize sometimes that he's not married - in a different place and time - a different reality - we would meet, he would collar me, and I would be his only one. We would live together, happy, in love, and having lots of great sex. It is just a fantasy. The reality might not be as romantic as my imagination makes it out to be.
I do like our relationship. I do think it can be even better.
I have to be able to trust him that he will never ever lie to me again.
I know there is no guarantee. But I wish with all my heart and I hope against reason, that he never will. I hope that he will never again betray me, or break his word.
It's hard to trust again once you've been hurt. I do believe though, that if I can truly let my guard down with him, like when I first met him, that our relationship would be even more amazing for us both.
I am getting there, little by little.
I trust him more each day.