His

Things are proceeding along.
They've calmed down much.

I spent time with Sir today.
He sent me this message...

Good morning My possession. I hope you slept well. 💋 I am up and packing please join Me soon. 😘

It made me feel so happy. So happy because it made me feel like he really wanted me there.  :) I felt truly loved and wanted.

He fucked me, made me cum on command (fuck I love that mmm) then filled my ass with his cum. mmm

I love being owned.
I love being his submissive.
I love cumming for him.

Happy sigh. Right now. Life is good.

He doesn't know if he wants to go...

So...
It's my family reunion tomorrow.
Second one.
Tim is not busy. But still doesn't want to go.
I don't like it.
I like when my partner does things with me.
I'm not used to a boyfriend who does not want to come to events with me.
It makes me think of breaking up with him.

Not feeling valued

So confused
Not sleeping
Gets worse every night
High blood pressure
Sadness
Thinking that I have to break up with him.

It's because he just doesn't feel for me the way I feel for him. And I can't do it anymore. I'm upset all the time.
But sometimes I don't know if it's just all in my head.
I don't feel loved.
But why.
He says he loves me
We do things together
Why don't I believe him.

20 questions

I Don’t Trust You

“I Don’t Trust You” written by Natalie Chalmers.

I don’t trust you.
I relieve you of all burden to meet my expectations.
To be anyone I need you to be in order to feel safe.
I don’t trust you and I don’t expect you to trust me.
I relieve myself of all burden to be who you think I am.

And I open my heart as wide as I feel I can.
And that part of me still behind the curtain of
old paradigm beliefs and thoughts
looks to see if you have too.

And I feel happy when I think you have.
And sad when I think you haven’t.
And I tremble with anxiety when I think I have and you haven’t.

And then I remember.
I don’t trust you.
I don’t need to trust you.
My heart is not a fragile thing made of glass.
It is strong beyond all knowing.
It can open wide enough for the whole world to flow through it.
And it takes nothing from me, even when I give it all.

Because Love flows through my heart.
A stream of energy that I can’t keep.
Can’t hold tight onto it.
It moves
Emotion.
Energy in motion.

And every break it has ever had
has only been there to tear it wider.
To open it more.
To expand it so that even more Love can flow through it.

I don’t trust you.
I relieve you of the burden to approve of me,
because I am already Accepted.
I relieve you of the burden to love me,
because I am already Loved.
But I invite you in to share my love.
Share in my sharing.
To play with this flow that bounces between people
As they wax and wane in connection.

I don’t trust you and you needn’t trust me.
Only share what is True for you
And I will do the same.

I don’t trust you.
But I trust myself wholly
to be able to handle anything that
Life can ever bring to me.

Anything.
Through anyone.

Even you.

Why i should leave

He has never said
"I can't wait to see you again"

He doesn't think about me when we're not together.
-ok I don't actually know that

He isn't IN love with me
- he has said as much
- I don't want a luke warm relationship I want passion

He won't sleep beside me

He's allergic to my dog, and he would prefer she not be around.

He keeps me at arms length

My Obsession ??

Talked with him a bit, about how sad it makes me that he doesn't miss me.
He didn't say... but i do miss you...
But he did say... I don't know why you think that.
He says he thinks he does show me he loves me and wants me... but that I am saying... what he's doing is not enough... and that there is nothing else he can do
I understand that he feels frustrated. I understand that he doesn't know what it is I need. Because I don't even know what it is that i need,
All i know is that. I usually feel that this relationship is all one sided.
he says that's not true
I don't know if it's my issue or if there actually is something missing.


I posted a meme that he says made him very angry - I wouldn't have expected him to be angry
It said... If my absence does not affect your life then my presence has no meaning in it.
It was ,,, sort of directed at him, it was directed at any person I may be in a relationship with.

One thing I think... I need to find a hobby or something to keep me busy so that I don't always just be thinking about him and missing him. Perhaps I am being a little obsessed.

Ugh! I am afraid, if I pull away, he will just let me go and then our relationship will be over.
I don't want him to lose me. It makes me sad.
I don't want to have to find another Dom, I like the one I have.

All i needed

Apparently, was for him to "take me in hand"

To put his foot down. To be a little more forceful with me.

I miss you

Today, I really miss Grizz.
I miss the connection we had.
I miss how he always looked out for me.

And I miss M
I miss having someone who missed me when I was gone.
I miss cuddling and watching TV

I think Tim and I are becoming more just friends. I am considering asking to be released.
I'm not getting the sex that I need...
He says "I'm just not feeling it."
To me, that means it's over.
I'm not at all interested in trying to "make" him want me.
Things sure have changed.
I'm very sad about it.

Our Adventure at a swingers club fucking, fucking and more fucking!

I have the most wonderful Sir in the world. (happy sigh)
He gave me the gift of making a fantasy of mine come true.
My pussy is sore today , but the reminder is so, so good. mmmm
And all the wonderful memories... mmmm fuck!.... I can't wait to do it again!
This weekend Sir shared his sex toy (me). We went to M4. He was very very generous (winks lol), anyone who wanted a turn got one, I lost count, until finally I had to call “Mercy” (our word for yellow).
It was .... Oh my fucking god! It was so fucking good I have to write out the words because OMFG just doesn't cut it.
I loved, loved, loved being naked and on display for strangers, shared, used, mmm mmm mmm. So fucking HOT! I loved every fucking minute of it. I'm getting so wet remembering it. FUCK!
I had so many strangers' cocks in my mouth and cunt (or rather His mouth and cunt), one after the other, fucking me hard, shoving their cocks down my throat and choking me. Making me gush over and over and over soaking the sheets! Sir, telling me what a slut I was, what a cock whore... and having to ask his permission to cum! OMFG... it was so fucking fantastic! It was the most amazing and erotic experience of my life (so far...lol).

I can hardly wait to see what kind of adventure we will have next......
My hope... i want to have group sex with women next time I want to make another woman cum.
(any volunteers – winks?) mmm... yes... and I want to watch him fucking another woman, that will be so fucking HOT! And I have never been with a woman and I want to so fucking badly! Just an idea Sir, LOL.

Yes, I am a slut and a cock whore! And I am fucking proud of it! I love it! And so does my Sir! LOL

(Oh and to my good friend out there... don't worry condoms were used on every one of those cocks! Sir made sure, he takes such good care of me)

Last night

He put my collar around my neck.
Looked into my eyes.
My God.
His eyes, so powerful, I got lost.
I was his.
His.
I am his.
mmm

It fills me up.
Knowing I'm his.

Sooo this happened

  3

Can i talk to you

cherry314:2D

I am very upset. :'(
I need a friend

Of course. What's up?

Cherry314:2D

Sir and I are having a disagreement.
I am so hurt and upset. I can't stop crying cause I think we might break up.

Sir said on Friday that he would be busy all weekend with his boys.
I miss him when that happens, but i know, and it's fine.
Then yesterday, he said, if the boys went to do their own things today, that he would come and visit me and cuddle with me for a while (since I am sick) if he could, and he said that he would text me and let me know.

he forgot about me :'(

It hurts so much to know that I mean that little

he didn't text me at all until i texted him and then he acted like i was trying to come between him and his kids :'(
I told him that it upset me that he forgot me and he responded with:

"Let Me be very clear, I did not know what I was doing today. I have chosen to spend time with My sons. I did forget to text, I am sorry for that."

That's not fair! I never asked him to come and see me, it was his idea and all I wanted was to know if he was coming or not, i don't think that was too much to ask. i don't think I am being unreasonable to expect him to follow through on what he says...
And ya, I guess he did apologized for forgetting me in an angry back handed way, which to me is worse than no apology at all.

I can't stay with someone to whom I mean so little. :'(
So I am very very upset. i can't talk to him because he is with his boys. And he will just say "Oh well, I guess i can't give you what you need then."
Fucking bullshit! I am so angry and hurt and afraid.

i don't want to lose him I love him so much
but i don't think he loves me

cherry314:2D

That's not entirely true. I know he loves me.
I am just very hurt that he could just forget me, and then be angry with me because I tell him that it hurts me.

And to not believe me. to say "oh you're not really hurt about me forgetting you even exist, you're upset because i am spending time with my sons!"
That is such an insult to me!! 

he should know - I want what makes him happy
I know they make him happy
i want him to spend as much time with them as he can
Five years from now, they will be gone to college or university, living their own lives - I know - I raised two kids

but he's convinced I am jealous of them UGH!
My name is not fucking Tanya!!!! (sorry for swearing)

cherry314:2D

where did you go?

I'm here. Have friends visiting, but they're all doing their makeup with Selena now. :-)

cherry314:2D

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt your visit, you should have told me you were busy. I wouldn't have bothered you.

Try to keep things in perspective. His marriage - like mine - was one where passive aggressiveness by his spouse was a common communication "tool". Though he knows you're not her, every interaction he will have with another intimate partner will be coloured by that experience.

He may be seeing your reaction as much the same - even if that's not what your intent was - because his perception was created by his experiences.

Did he actually say that he thought you were upset because he chose his boys over you? If he didn't, is it possible that you are the one interpreting his response as such?

Obviously, I'm not going to take "sides" here, but every misunderstanding that I've ever witnessed has been rapidly de-escalated by one (or both) parties simply putting themselves in the other person's shoes. Tim is a pretty empathic guy. He should be able to see things from your perspective, but conversation - lacking accusations from either of you - will likely resolve this.

Granted, there may not be time for that right now, as he is with his boys. If you let him do his thing, and try not to stew over this, to and be will be able to talk later.

For what it's worth, I think he cares a lot about you. Remember that.

Hi NJ JH NJ

I wasn't busy really. We were just talking briefly, then the police came to talk to us about the shooting in our building on Friday night.

cherry314:2D

oh yes, I heard about that
seems that building has a lot of excitement

cherry314:2D

It's this that really makes no sense to me...

"Let Me be very clear, I did not know what I was doing today. I have chosen to spend time with My sons. I did forget to text, I am sorry for that."

I know he didn't know what he was doing- that's why he was supposed to text me...
And he was not going to spend time with me INSTEAD of his sons so I don't know why he makes it sound like he made a choice to be with them instead of me... that's not what was happening
He said - if they were gone doing their own things, then he would come - that was my expectation - but he made it sound like I made him choose, or that he had to choose UGH! Which was not the case at all.

oh but... you know... i guess i should say sorry... as a afterthought... for forgetting you exist! (yes i am very angry, not so much that he forgot me, but that to him it is no big deal, i wonder if he would feel the same if I forgot about him and he was waiting for me to text him, but i guess, I am not that important.

But let's say it was one of his boys, and they were like... oh ya sorry dad i was too busy to remember you exist and have feelings - grrrrr
Of course, I cannot say any of this to him, or rather i wouldn't, I am just ranting venting, somehow i will figure out how to communicate with him respectfully - sigh

cherry314:2D

I think I know why it makes me so upset or at least partly why

It was all him
He offered to come I did not ask, I was already fine with not seeing him. And when he mentioned the possibility I said, that would be very nice "if" you can. Still not "expecting" anything but, sure, hoping he can.
And he said, "I will text you and let you know".
So there I am waiting to hear from him for hours and hours until finally I message him and ask him if he thinks he'll be coming or not.

To which he answers: "Sorry My slave not today."
As though it was something I had just requested and he had no idea what I was talking about.

I tell him that it hurts me that he forgot about me.

And then starts acting like I am being too demanding. WTF is that about, he created the whole situation in the first place.
it was Not me. but I am the one crying my eyes out.

I can almost guarantee you that there is a large disconnect between the context intended in his message, and how you're interpreting what he said.

I'm not saying that either of you have done anything wrong. I am saying that I am not in a position to say what he meant by what he said. He is the only one that can answer that for you.

cherry314:2D

I know. It's good just to get it out, i am so frustrated

cherry314:2D

I try very hard to be a good slave for him.

I feel disrespected and unappreciated. Tossed aside. I am just not important enough to him for him to remember me. :(

Again, I think this is largely a matter of both of you reading context into the situation that doesn't exist, and definitely wasn't intended.

You may want to consider posting (a sock puppet account can help, or I can post anonymously on your behalf in "Ask a Submissive Questions") a question for other submissives or slaves to answer.

I'll send you a link to the post if you go with that option.

cherry314:2D

Thank you, I may do that. Although I think it's a relationship thing not a D/s thing. I would have been hurt no matter who it was who forgot me. Well, if it was someone I cared about I mean. Like my daughter or my sister.

We did talk, I did manage to get him to admit that if i forgot him he would be upset too.

I think we will work through it.

It's hard, even when two people try very hard and love each other very much. These types of things happen.

I am calmer now. Thank you for listening Bruce.
I did mention to Sir that I vented to you. I don't keep anything from him so no need to feel "compromised" in any way. :)

I am going to bed now,

Be well. :)

cherry314:1D

Hey... :)

Sorry for throwing this at you yesterday.
(next time maybe duck LOL)

I should not have. You being Tim's friend.

Thank you for being so kind about it.

You're quite welcome.

I really should try to find funding to get my license to be a therapist. I think I'd be quite good at it... :-)

cherry314:1D

LOL yes, I think you would be. :)

Free college/university is coming so I hear.

"Free" isn't free. It'll still cost money, just that the funds may be available for this. If not, I either pass on the opportunity or somehow find other financing.

Going into debt to fund education is not really an option.

Pity. We need more kink friendly therapists.

True, they only intend to cover tuition, not books or living expenses while attending.

Indeed. I can work part time while studying - or do full time work and part time studies - but I need to find a job with an employer that is sympathetic to either scenario.

cherry314:1D

well, if I win the lottery, I will help you out
I agree we need more kink friendly therapists

I'll be taking you up on that, should you win. :-D

And just for posterity

Here's the actual convo.

A wonderful night

I had such a great time tonight with Sir.
Making him dinner and butter Tarts for dessert.
Then watching TV holding hands.
Then he ordered me to the bedroom to suck his cock. mmm
He put his collar on my neck (my clit is twitching just writing this) I love wearing his collar. mmm
Then he had me masterbate with my dildo while sucking his cock, imagining it was another man fucking me. I came, gushed, several times.
But not when he told me to. I'm not sure why. It's what I want. I want him to have complete control over my orgasms. I trust him completely. I'm no longer afraid that he's going to just up and leave me for a baby girl (ok, I'm still a little bit afraid, but it's much much less).
He tells me, "I'm not Grizz" and I know that, but still, I'm very afraid that the same thing will happen.

Ok enough talk of that!!

Back to my wonderful night.

I began to cry while sucking his cock. Odd I know. He told me to come and lie beside him and he put his arms around me.
He said, are those happy tears.
I said, not happy not sad

I was just overwhelmed with emotion of being His property, of being right where I wanted to be. Where I needed to be.
I need to know I'm owned. I need to feel it. I need that submissive rush, head space or whatever you want to call it.
Tonight, he gave that to me. Probably without even realizing he was doing it.

Me knowing that I'm pleasing him is one way that I feel happy. I need to know that what I do pleases him. I told him this and he kissed me on my lips, many times. I love him so.

Master Ryan messaged, him and Stacy broke up (very sad).

I said, I don't like calling him "Master" Ryan, I think I'll just call him Ryan. I said "I know it's silly"
But Sir said, "I don't think it's silly, I quite like that you don't feel comfortable calling someone else Master"
Sometimes I forget, how much little things like that can matter to him.
He's a very sensitive man. He keeps it under wraps as much as he can.
It's one of things I love about him.... He cries during sad movies lol.

I remember the soft touch of his fingers caressing my face. And his kisses.

Tonight I know it's all in my head, I know it's just fantasy, but, I saw a vision of him and I being handfasted and he was crying from joy, such joy on his face like I've never seen. Maybe. Someday. I can make him that happy. :)

A wonderful night

I had such a great time tonight with Sir.
Making him dinner and butter Tarts for dessert.
Then watching TV holding hands.
Then he ordered me to the bedroom to suck his cock. mmm
He put his collar on my neck (my clit is twitching just writing this) I love wearing his collar. mmm
Then he had me masterbate with my dildo while sucking his cock, imagining it was another man fucking me. I came, gushed, several times.
But not when he told me to. I'm not sure why. It's what I want. I want him to have complete control over my orgasms. I trust him completely. I'm no longer afraid that he's going to just up and leave me for a baby girl (ok, I'm still a little bit afraid, but it's much much less).
He tells me, "I'm not Grizz" and I know that, but still, I'm very afraid that the same thing will happen.

Ok enough talk of that!!

Back to my wonderful night.

I began to cry while sucking his cock. Odd I know. He told me to come and lie beside him and he put his arms around me.
He said, are those happy tears.
I said, not happy not sad

I was just overwhelmed with emotion of being His property, of being right where I wanted to be. Where I needed to be.
I need to know I'm owned. I need to feel it. I need that submissive rush, head space or whatever you want to call it.
Tonight, he gave that to me. Probably without even realizing he was doing it.

Me knowing that I'm pleasing him is one way that I feel happy. I need to know that what I do pleases him. I told him this and he kissed me on my lips, many times. I love him so.

Master Ryan messaged, him and Stacy broke up (very sad).

I said, I don't like calling him "Master" Ryan, I think I'll just call him Ryan. I said "I know it's silly"
But Sir said, "I don't think it's silly, I quite like that you don't feel comfortable calling someone else Master"
Sometimes I forget, how much little things like that can matter to him.
He's a very sensitive man. He keeps it under wraps as much as he can.
It's one of things I love about him.... He cries during sad movies lol.

I remember the soft touch of his fingers caressing my face. And his kisses.

Tonight I know it's all in my head, I know it's just fantasy, but, I saw a vision of him and I being handfasted and he was crying from joy, such joy on his face like I've never seen. Maybe. Someday. I can make him that happy. :)

His Words to comfort me.

  😘  rest you head on your pillow like it's My shoulder. You are My cherished possession. Stress from the world is creeping in to cause doubt. Let the fact that I love you and you are Mine radiate out to conquer you fears. 💋


I love our time Tuesday, dinner and play. BUT I don't want you running to exhaustion, though you likely already are. If you need to rest tonight I can come to Orillia.

So in love.

We had a long talk.
He said he's not looking to add another girl permanently, but just for play.

I did say, he doesn't have time for two. He agreed, but again, that's not what he meant.
He says he is not prepared to release me.

I'm his girlfriend. That's what he told Tanya

We had a lovely dinner Mexican. Then went to coffee and got tons of hugs.
Fucked and played and watched TV and cuddled. mmmm it was such a wonderful day... and yes, I'm in subspace. mmm yummy.

I feel betrayed

I'm trying very hard not to but I do.
We were supposed to talk about adding someone.

Ok, I guess we did, I did say, let's find a girl to play with.

But

I didn't mean for him to begin another relationship.

Babygirls ugh!

My nemesis it seems.

So, Sir has arranged for us to meet a babygirl. She's 27. As a couple not on his own. It does interest me. Actually, I have asked for a woman to play with.

I'm nervous.
Fear of being replaced.
He says that won't happen and that he's not Grizz. Sigh.
I'm struggling with it.
I want it, but it's very scary too.
And I have questions.

Will she meet the boys?
Will she also be his vanilla gf like me?
I think probably not, I don't think he'd want to explain that.
He says, we will only play, the three of us. I do find comfort in that, he says this is for US not just him.

Maybe she won't even like us.
We're meeting on Tuesday.
This will depend a lot on how open she is.
I don't know exactly what he wants
He said, "things will get more expensive if there are 3 of us" hmmm does that mean I won't get him to myself at all?
Seriously though, he doesn't have time to have a full-time baby girl.
I have thought of calling him daddy from time to time.
I'm not sure I can though.
And baby girls sometimes irritate me.
And what if she's a crazy one lol.
Well, some questions will be answered on Tuesday.

She cancelled. :(
I'm disappointed and relieved at the same time.

So after boohooing for days

And contemplating asking to be released, he calls, we have phone sex. Now I'm all smiley and happy. Grrrr lol. I hate that I am a slave to my libido. LOL

We signed our D/s contract today.

So happy, so secure.
He read a post about the whore's collar.
He seems to understand more now why it's so important to me.
Happy sigh.
Things are going well. I think. LOL

Stop it

He loves you. Stop doubting!!
It makes him sad.

I just don't understand

Why he couldn't care less about saying goodnight to me.
Why he views it as a chore.
It doesn't seem to bring him any pleasure to hear my voice.
That's what makes me feel like...
If my absence doesn't affect you then my presence was meaningless.

And then...
He calls, says he fell asleep on the couch.
So maybe he didn't have plans not to call me, or just forget that I exist at all.

My mind is quick to jump to those conclusions.

I wonder if calling me is in the contract?
I'll have to look.

I'm so confused now.
Where yesterday I was so clear.
My clarity never lasts very long where he is concerned. :(

Sometimes I think perhaps I'm too easy for him. He knows I want to be his so he doesn't think he has to pursue me. And he doesn't it's true. I don't like playing games, I don't want to play hard to get. I don't want to be pushed away. If you want me, act like it! If you don't fucking well say so!!

OMG

Last night was amazing!
First dinner, then cards with family.
Then we came back to my place and he fucked me hard made me suck his cock.
Beat me hard. Fuck! It was so amazing.
Then the kiss at the end.
His fist in my hair, melted me. mmm
I'm still floating. :)

Loving

Today I'm feeling so much love for Sir. Hmmm Happy Sigh :)

Just watching Netflix waiting for him to call and say goodnight.

I wish I was with him. In his arms. I long to feel his warmth. To cuddle up with him.
Mmmm
Soon...

My Fears

You asked why I doubt you.
Even though you have done things like meeting my family etc.

I've been thinking a lot and trying to identify what it is and when it is that I feel insecure in our relationship. So here's what I've come up with so far.

Please understand, I'm in no way trying to make you feel bad or guilty and these are not complaints. This is my attempt to look at events objectively and analize them. My goal is to make sense of why I feel the way I do so that I can better explain it to you.

So.... Here goes. 

Not Saying Goodnight when we're apart...

Not calling me to say goodnight, because it was "late". It's hard for me to understand, it's hard to ignore thoughts like " maybe you don't have very strong feelings for me and you could just walk away without a second thought ". I try to push those thoughts away. It's just that for me... I always want to talk to you, i wait all day to talk to you for those precious few minutes, You are the person I want to share my day with, even if it's late, even if all I get to do is say goodnight to you. It makes me happy. The fact is,  It was only 11:15pm. You've called later than that many many times. It takes less than 2 minutes to call and say goodnight. So I felt like you were not being honest about why you weren't calling. I don't understand, we are in a romantic relationship, right? so, why wouldn't you be eager to hear my voice, why wouldn't you look forward to saying goodnight to me? It just doesn't make any sense to me. Then I start thinking that you don't really want to call me at all, that you really couldn't care less about connecting with me (i don't mean that in an angry way) just that, you only do it for my sake. You view it as a chore that must be done. I'm just guessing of course. I mean it is obvious that saying goodnight to me is not all that important to you, it seems like we could probably not talk at all unless we're planning to get together and that would be ok with you. I find that difficult to understand. In my mind, if someone loves you, they want to talk with you as often as they can. It confuses me but I'm trying to understand. Perhaps it's because, you do care for me, but you're not "in love" with me like I am with you,  you've been very upfront about that, made it perfectly clear, perhaps I just forget sometimes and so I expect behavior from you that I shouldn't expect.
I know we were having a difficult week at the time... last week when you didn't call... So... I try to tell myself, you were just protecting yourself, you needed to not be stressed because work was stressful enough and you were afraid that talking with me would stress you out, affect your sleep and so you chose not to take the chance. I do get it. It makes me very sad that that rift between us happened.

Sleeping habits...
We don't sleep together. You prefer not to sleep with me. It makes me sad but I try to deal with it. I find it so difficult to understand how you don't find it comforting or " nice " to have a warm body beside you in bed. But I'm trying.
As i feared, it has created a distance between us that I wish wasn't there. I long for a deeper emotional connection with you.
I try to remember, I'm not your girlfriend, and certainly not your wife so perhaps not sleeping together is part of this new dynamic that we're in and just something I need to and eventually will, get used to. I've never had a relationship like this, so perhaps that's why it feels so odd to me that you'd prefer to sleep alone but yet you do love me. It's hard to get my head around that one.  Sometimes I think it's because you are afraid of liking sleeping with me too much, because, like you said, it took you a long time to get used to sleeping alone and be able to fall asleep. I certainly can understand why you wouldn't want to mess that up. Still. I do get a pang of sadness and it's hard for me not to feel a little unwanted/rejected and like I said it puts a distance between us emotionally that I wish wasn't there. I'm still working on this. Perhaps I'll even learn to like it and appreciate it. Or perhaps you will start to like having me in your bed. Who knows. Stranger things have happened.

All snuggled up

In my bed. Warm and cozy. With my blanket that reminds me of Sir.

We had a wonderful time at Sexapaloosa.

He called to say goodnight.

I love him so.

Just leave it

Until you can think more clear ly

I can't sleep

I'm very stressed.
Sir and I had a huge misunderstanding.
Now we made up but I can't seem to shake this ominous feeling.
Feeling like maybe he's right and  I should break up with him. That he can't give me what I need.  :( I just don't agree.
We've been happy until this past month or so... I mean there is life to deal with, bad things happen, I think if we can't get through this how can either of us expect to have a relationship with anyone.

Sometimes I feel like I'm not important. No, that's not it. I'm important but, still expandable. I know that he cares for me a great deal.
He's proven it.
Then why do I feel like it would be OK with him if we broke up.
I don't know, I don't understand it.
I know it bothered me that he didn't want to say goodnight to me the other night.
And that he prefers to sleep alone.
It makes me sad.
But, tomorrow night I'll get to sleep with him.
But how do I stop myself from feeling like he'd rather not be sleeping with me.
I am having a lot of issues.
I don't really know how to deal with it.

And my sister-in-law died a few weeks ago.
Then I got really sick and I'm not yet fully recovered.
And I'm very hungry.
What do you want to bet that I just need to eat.

I'm still grieving. I am not back to my happy self.
He's has two close friends that he cares about who've had deaths recently... It takes time to come back from that
And he's having an awful time at work.
Should I ... We... Take a break?
I'm not sure.
I don't want to be a burden to anyone. Least of all him. I want to bring happiness to his life, not stress.

It's 5 am in 4 hours I have to get up ugh! Why can't I sleep!!!??

Surprise

He surprised me. First I sent in the message telling him maybe we could just have a vanilla day. That perhaps him and I in the blaze could just play cards.

So he called me. Cuz he said he knew that would make me feel better. And he said he would try very hard to make time for us in the evening. So that maybe I could come for a short visit.

Then he called back later. There was a change of plan. His son has to go back to his moms house so then he had time for us to get together.

We had an absolutely wonderful afternoon.

He beat me with his flogger and paddle, he made me cry. It was fucking awesome...

He fucked me in all my slut holes... mmm... and he came in my ass... so fucking hot!

Then he fucked me with my dildo and made me gush over and over.

Then we cuddled. He took care of me. He touched my cheek so gently with the back of his fingers. There was so much love in his eyes when he looked at me. I could tell, he does not want to lose me. :) He takes his duty towards me very seriously.

Even with all the stress he's having with his children. Well, one, he's 15. That says it all lol. Even with that, he still found time to take care of me. He's wonderful.

I don't like

Being expendable.

Sometimes

I just wish I could go home.
Sometimes I wish I'd never heard the word submission.
Sometimes I miss my old life.