Woke up thinking of him and his cock. mmm I so wish I was there right now.

Memories of him make me so aroused.

I love Him

I'm feeling so very yummy. I just had a great time with my Sir. He fucked all my holes and then came in my ass. It was fucking hot! I loved every second that I was with him.

He's going on vacation with his kids. So it will be a long time before I get to be with him again.

I love him.

Sooo This happened...

I don't want to dwell on it, but I do think that it's important to remember...

Soooo this happened....

Sooo... (frowning) this happened... I spent the weekend with Mike at his place (It was an amazing weekend) on Sunday in the morning he decided he would rather not go to Scandalous (a local event) but said I could still go. Of course I prefer him to come with me, but, I love Scandalous (which was Sunday night) and so I decided that yes I would go on my own. No big deal, I always have fun there. Mike and I have talked at length about things like his children come first. I have no issue with that. They will not stay young (12 &14 right now) forever and he doesn't live with them so his time with them is already less. I support him in this, admire him for it even... That being said...
On Sunday morning when we got up, (after a lovely time in bed) he asked my plans for the day. (Note I live 30 minutes away from his house and Scandalous) He said his plans were to just relax and watch TV. I asked permission. I asked... may I just hang out here with you until I leave for Scandalous at 6:30? He said yes. We had a lovely day watching Netflix, laughing, talking so wonderful... Then... It all changed... His son texted him and asked if he could come over... And he kicked me out (I hadn't even gotten dressed yet) He did let me shower and dress. He was not mean about it but it hurt just the same.

The kids don't know about me. And he doesn't want them to. I was leaving in two hours anyway but he would not let his son wait for even that short of time. It made me feel like a piece of garbage.

To me... I feel like it was disrespectful to me. I feel like I shouldn't allow him or anyone else to treat me that way.

But... There's more to the story.

When he saw that he had hurt me (I tried very hard to maintain my composure but I couldn't and I burst into tears, looking back I think what happened, why I was so upset was because i was still floating from playing and it made me crash hard into sub drop.) He became very upset (he cried). He has a huge heart and I know that he'd rather be alone than be responsible for hurting me (emotionally that is, not physically, funny how that works lol).

I don't know how to feel about this.... I am torn between needing to set boundaries for respectful behavior towards me (as another human being not even as his sub) and/but also not wanting to make a mountain out of a mole hill.

The thing is... I had asked permission... to stay... if his son coming was a possibility then I feel I had the right to know that. He should have made that clear. It's not that I minded leaving, we were only watching TV. I would have left sooner if I had known.

And he did spend the whole weekend with me from Friday night on. So I think I should just be grateful for the amazing weekend we had. But... it hurts when someone blatantly shows you that you are just not that important to them. That's how I feel. I'm a pleasant diversion, but ultimately disposable.

It was one of the most amazing weekends of my entire life, but the way it ended was heart breaking. I was so sad, so very sad. I'm more calm about it now, but I don't know what to do.

Then just to make matters worse...

He's been having stress at work over the last week or so. Monday was a long hard day at work for him and his eldest was ill so he had to take him to the doctor after work. They didn't get home until after 10 pm. He was exhausted. And So I've had no voice contact since he kicked me out. I needed to hear his voice so badly :(. I do understand that he couldn't comfort me, he had nothing left, he said as much. But it doesn't lessen my sub drop symptoms and it makes me question whether he can even handle a relationship with me. I NEED contact with my Dom, especially in that kind of situation.... After he's kicked me out of his house.

I'm having strong doubts.
But, it also seems like it's giving up too easy.
What do you think?

muskokasir4u:

just take a deep breath
you will be ok
he is having a tough time , you know as well as anyone what stress does to a person .....sometimes they are not a tactful as they should be .
we all lose some of our polish when we get stressed
this is just a glitch

Taking control

He's very quickly taking control.
I'm actually reluctant to masturbate without at least his voice. It's just not as satisfying.
He said I can watch one more episode of OIYNB. Then bed. No staying up late.
mmm Yes Sir.
I love when he does that. :)

my Sir

I just spoke with Sir on the phone. My God his voice sounded amazing. We shared our day, then he had me get my toy and make myself cum for him.
It was pretty awesome. Not as good as the real thing. But still awesome.

I've been missing him so much.

And after what happened on Sunday I was thinking of asking to be released. He doesn't know that though.

But, I'm fine now. I'm staying.
And we have plans for Saturday night. mmm I can hardly wait

Some thoughts

When you begin a play session by striking my nipples hard with the crop, I have a very difficult time not using my safe word. It actually makes me want to cry almost instantly. I have negative panicky feelings, and I want you to stop. I've been just dealing, because I wasn't sure what to do.
I feel like, I need a warm up. Am I allowed one?
I'm not sure if that's the goal (getting me to say Red as quickly as possible) I don't know if I should tell you that I don't like it or not, because, if I don't like it, does that mean you will do it more?? I mean, I'm not supposed to "like" it.
So... negotiations... we haven't really discussed much as far as negotiations go, since our first coffee meeting... is the above something we can negotiate?

Aftercare... you are amazing at aftercare, truly. Usually I leave in a state of bliss that lasts for days. I just want to share with you that I have noticed, I need a lot of aftercare. I need your arms around me, protecting me, I need you to (as you do) touch me softly and caress me. It makes me feel OK again. It's like, there's a certain point that I need to get to, so that I can drive away alone and not feel sad/cry. If it seems like you don't want to be near me, that's difficult for me. If I feel like you're in a hurry to get rid of me, it makes me very sad. After we play, it seems I'm very susceptible to believing any sad ridiculous thoughts that might sneak into my head. lol.

I love every second that I've been able to spend with you.
I love being yours.
I am very much looking forward to being at your side in our group of friends, I'm so very proud to be your submissive. I'm a very lucky girl.
I love you.

Another wonderful night... :)

And a little more clarity.

I made him dinner, as has become our Tuesday tradition. Today was glazed carrots, oven broiled potato bites and baked chicken with red hot sauce.

He seemed to really like it.
I still sometimes doubt his truthfulness. I don't mean to, but I'm used to people lying.

Oh and deviled eggs, which I know, he loves and I had promised to make for him. :)

Then, we had sex... Our kind of sex... mmm with a little bit of S&M thrown in lol. It was awesome. Although, I am not a fan of canes. He fucked me, with his cock and with a glass dildo, we keep trying for anal sex, but, it's only happened a few times and he's only actually came in my ass once. It was pretty fucking hot though.  I gushed at least 3 times. He is very attentive to my needs especially after I left one time very... Frustrated. I don't think he wants that to happen again. I didn't make a huge deal about it, but I did tell him.

After, we went for a walk. So wonderful. And then we talked for a while, just about whatever.

I asked if he had been in love with Nilla, he said "I thought I was". I feel much sympathy for him. It hurts like hell to love someone who doesn't love you back, and who isn't worth your love.

He says , he's infatuated with me.
I was surprised. Sometimes I feel like as though he could walk away without a second thought.
He says, he has never been " madly in love " with anyone. He says, that's who he is, he doesn't get overly emotional. But. I don't necessarily believe that. I saw him tear up when talking about what he has lost.

I have some questions for him...
But I keep forgetting.

I love him. "happy sigh* ;)

thinking about things

I just had a wonderful night with my Sir.
So many amazing memories made, feeling so good when he left.

I am finding it hard though, to stay positive, when I know, he doesn't love me, I mean, he loves me, but he's not in love with me and he has never lied about that. He says, he can't give me his whole heart. He says he's not ready. I know I lack patience, I want it all right now all the time. So I am trying very hard not to make any rash decisions.

I am thinking perhaps I should cancel the meeting between him and my girls. I dunno.

It makes me very sad.
To think I must give him up
Because, I don't want to settle for less than I deserve and I deserve a man who is deeply and madly in love with me.

I can't relax with him, because I am always afraid he will leave. He will decide I want more than he can give me and he will tell me that we can't be together anymore.

He confuses me sometimes.
He says, it's like any other dating. but it's not. we are not building a relationship to build a life together, we are just passing time.

It does cross my mind that I should break this off now, now while it won't (hopefully) completely destroy me. But I really really don't want to. I want him. But I want him to want me just as much, and he doesn't. I can just accept that, I can keep him, but if I can't, I will have to leave him. It's so sad. So very sad.
Sad for him too.
He could have all of me, he could keep me.
But he holds back. :(
Sad for him.

He changed his status on his profile for me.
He was afraid to do that.
I will not let him down by breaking up with him already, let's give it six months and we'll see how things are.

I'm always left wanting

Not sex. Just wanting to be near him. To serve him. To make him happy.

I guess it's a good thing. ;)