Feeling unworthy :(

Day dreaming of him.
Dreaming of him

I gasp as he pushes me up against the wall, taking hold of my wrists and pinning them to them above my head. He leans in and kisses me roughly, passionately on my still parted lips.
Is this what you want, he growled at me.
”Yes” I barely managed to whisper.
He releases one of my hands, to grab a fistful of my hair at the back of my head, “Yes, what!?” He demanded. I knew what he meant.
“Yes Sir” I quickly corrected.


I look at the picture I have of him.
It fills my heart with so much love.
I long to touch him, hold him, care for him, hear his voice
I cry. With the heartbreak of it all
Truth is, I still have hope that he may allow me to serve him. Silly I know 😢

Him, I still love him. 
I’ve put space between us, I’ve blocked him. I’m staying away from events.

But he’s back. In my brain. 

Why can’t I just move on.
Why can’t I just accept that he doesn’t love me. 
That he will never love me. 
Perhaps it’s mental illness. Obsessive Love Disorder. 
How the fuck did I fall so hard for him when he doesn’t feel the same.

I’ll be seeing him this weekend. It’s like, the more I try to avoid him, to distance myself, the more want him. The crazier I get. 

I’ve started wishing I could tell him things. Things about music. Things about my life. Like I used to. I used to tell him everything. 

Sir has said, I have to choose. Of course I choose him. But I love Mister H, so much. At one time, I called him Sir. I miss that so much. 
I want to be his. In the depths of my being, I am his. I can’t act on it. But it’s true. I try to fight the feelings but they win everyday every  time. 

I love my Sir too. Very much

The Return of Subfrenzy

A play party, some hot moments with female friends, a good beating from my Dom, mj, wine, subspace, subdrop, and heartbreak. Phew, it’s been a whirlwind 24 hours. But I’m learning.

I’m learning. With each new experience I learn and grow. This journey has a few more pitfalls than I initially thought. Even though I know that, they still continue to catch me off guard.

One thing I learned, subfrenzy (or submissive gone insane as I call it) can happen at any time. I was just happily strolling along in my bdsm adventures, and life happened, I got busy, I stopped playing as much, not realizing that not playing also meant that I stopped submitting. I knew I needed something, I thought it was impact play, subspace and sex, and yes that was part of it, but what I needed, was having wicked withdrawal from was submission. Mentally and emotional complete submission to my Dom. The kind that puts me in “psychological subspace” (which is a new term I learned for a phenomenon that I knew existed but couldn’t explain in words).

So I go searching for some relief from my unfulfilled needs. I find a willing playmate. I think, oh this is awesome, he’s just my type and we have a great time together. I enjoy his company. Then,and I don’t even know when or how it happened but. I opened myself up to him, my mind, my heart, all of me. I gave myself to him, not even realizing I’d done it. He didn’t really ask for it, I mean yes, we played and he was Dominant towards me. But I know, he had no idea how deep into me I’d allowed him to go. And I know, because he told me, that he wasn’t in a place where he could start a relationship with someone. This was supposed to be fun, a release from stress, a scratch on an itch.
But, for me, it turned stressful, I became obsessed with him, stalker level-almost- and I became addicted to his presence, his voice, his smile, his Dominant, my life became all about him, nothing else was important, I waited, to see a message from him, or see a reason I could message him. I asked him “when may I see you again” that was all that really mattered.

I fell in love with him:(
I thought I could handle it.
But, nope!

What is with all these people!

It seems there are so many men who claim to be Dominant but aren’t.
My friend, whom I love and want very badly, almost ignores my sexual advances. He says he’s interested. But he’s so lukewarm about it.

I’m so frustrated. I need more sex in my life.

I WANT THIS

I love the look of a sadistic man when he’s beating me and I can see that if not for his tight control on himself, he could destroy me. It’s deliciously terrifying. I love the darkness that flashes across his face and eyes when I say. “Please hurt me”. I love the look in his eyes, that dangerous barely in control look, as with each strike he sees and hears the pain he’s causing me, and wants to hear more, he wants to make me cry. He knows with me, it’s ok to want to hurt me. His cock throbbing at the alternating sounds of my screaming and wimpering with each smack or agonizing twisting of my nipples. He does know, I’m loving every second of this torture. I could stop him with a word. But I don’t. I want to suffer for him. I want him to release all of his demons on my willing flesh. I want him to use all of his anger and frustration at the world, and turn it into passion. Then when he needs to release,I am no longer a person, I’m just his property and he fucks me hard, using me for his pleasure, cumming deep inside me.

Suffering

I want to stop thinking about him.
I want to get over it, stop having feelings for him, stop wanting him so much.
He says we will play again. He says he will give me, or rather, we will have that intense connection that I crave. I haven’t seen him in over a week, I miss him so much. I’m completely obsessed and it’s affecting me too much.
I long for even the smallest bit of attention from him. I’m like foolish school girl. I don’t know how to act when I’m around him. I just want to touch him, see his smile. I want to see that look in his eyes, that look that tells me he’s enjoying hurting me.

Why?
Why did I have to fall so hard for him?
It’s making me crazy.

I want to just run away and forget that I even know him.
This is too much stress.