The Shelter

And Here I am at the shelter its 8 p.m. Not actually signed in yet but will be back in a minute to do that. I have my own room for awhile at least.

Was very upsetting taking the police to go and get the car, my laptop and my stuff. He said... If I pay off his credit card the car back that he doesn't i can have the car... but I couldn't really talk to him. I just wanted to get my things and get out. And the police were waiting for me to be done. So I don't know what to do now if he destroys everything that's left. Or if he'll leave, I just don't know.

The End

So my H told my girls, his step daughters (they are adults). about my Dom. Well I'm not sure about everything he told them, maybe not about BDSM. but they know he's married, they know that I call him often and that I have a sexual relationship with him. Not something they needed to know.
The did like an intervention where they both talked to me together. They say it's like I'm on drugs.
And yes I certainly have been preoccupied. But it's not all Grizz. I'm just dealing with my own crap that's all.
Youngest is ashamed of me. She says I'm taking her Dad away from her.
Oldest says I'm taking my granddaughter's Papa from her.
My niece says they are adults and are responsible for their own relationships.
I say. FML!!

I was feeling pretty hopeless when I woke up this morning. Feeling trapped in a life of misery.

Feeling a little better now. I know I can't go back there this time. But I do need to get my car and clothes and personal items. Perhaps my laptop. If it's still in one piece.

I'm going to call the police and take them with me. So that he can't do anything. But I am afraid. Of his anger and/or his sadness. The guilt.
But, like my niece said. This is my shit to deal with. I should not be leaning on my daughters so much.
I really was trying to find a way that both H and I could be happy and stay living together. But my solution blew up in my face. I should have known better. I should have just left long long ago. Before D/s, before Fet. It's hard though.
I need some happiness in my life.
I know won't find it with H.
My Dom says he thinks I am an eternal optimist, I keep going back thinking that somehow we can work it out. And I had hoped we could. I know I have to let go of that. I have to stop worrying about H's feelings and just focus on me and what I need. It's hard for me. Believe it or not.

I don't like that everyone will see me as a cheater. A liar.

But it's too late now.

All alone

Teary.
Lonely.
Lost.
No home.
Nothing of my own
Sadness
Weakness
Fear
Creeps in
Of being all alone

Guilt dissuaded

He called.... and it served to help me to see that I'm doing the right thing. I need to let him go. And he needs to do the same.

He believes that my Dom has taken me from him. He doesn't see that he drove me away.

He started out the conversation by saying I could come home and I can do anything I want and talk to my Dom anytime I want even if he's with me and he won't say anything about it and then he adds...which means, and he gave an example that if he wants to watch something on TV that I'm already watching he's just going to come and change the channel and be ignorant to me constantly.  So how is that supposed to make me want to go back . It just makes me know that I need to never ever go back and I'm writing this in here so that I can read it and maybe remember that when I get stupid and think that maybe it could work out. It's not going to work out its done its over I need to accept it.

Just a few minutes to the conversation he then changed. And started back on that oh you need to take to get to not talk to anybody on fact or talk to you or Dom or anything for 2 weeks. I guess you think that's going to cure me or something he believes that I'm brainwashed I don't know. But it makes me know, the conversation has made me realize again why I can't go back.

Guilt

Starting to feel guilty. Because I had told him I wouldn't leave. But I have to. It's just getting worse. Do I want more things broken? No. Do I want to push him to the breaking point? No.

I feel so bad for him. Losing his wife. So hard for him. But what can I do. Staying with him is just torturing him. He can't handle the relationship I have with Grizz. He doesn't want to give me sex. His theories on "prosperity" and "truth" and "the true nature of reality" are more important than me. They always have been. He tells me that. Tells me I should be more supportive of him. Sure. Fine. But what about support for me. I get nothing.
He doesn't care at all about any of my concerns. I am frivolous according to him. My emotional and sexual needs are stupid. He says I am putting too much importance on sex. Ugh! There's just no getting through to him.
I have to stay strong and stay gone. It's hard though. 

It's a tough road

I woke up in a strange bed. Alone. I'm homesick already. I wish he would leave instead of me. But he won't. I want to go home. It makes me cry. I have to lose everything and start over from scratch. How is that fair. It's not. Life is not fair and that's the way it is.
I know that I can't go back. It's going to be hard but it's what I have to do. I am not in love with him anymore. He has wasted all the love I had for him by ignoring me and becoming increasingly antisocial. I'm not going to just sit in that apartment and listen to him go on and on about whatever it is while I wait to die.
I do have fears and doubts. I don't know if what I'm doing is logical.
My daughter has expressed her concerns, after talking with H. But he has nothing to offer me except extreme boredom anger and frustration.

In the middle of the night Saturday June 28th

Dangerous thoughts ahead, enter at your own risk.

You're busy . So I just thought it would take this opportunity to write a little bit in my journal. I actually really enjoy journaling. I used to keep one. Before I met my H. Then, when we got together he read it. He got upset over things from my past, not even things that happened but things that I wished would happen. So. Since I had no privacy I stopped doing it. In my opinion if you read someones private thoughts that they've written down in a hidden book and you get upset about it its your own fault because you are invading their privacy by reading it. Its a little different if it's known that you're going to read it. Even so, You already know that I'm not censoring what I write.

We were talking about punishment. I read a post about it. I think you did punish me. That night when I was up crying all night long pouring my heart out to the liar who said she was my friend and that there was nothing sexual between you. I was devastated because I thought you were angry with me and I thought it was my fault, I thought I was jealous for no reason but now I know, you did it on purpose, you enjoyed having two women fighting over you, but I also know that you regretted it after. We all learn even Doms. You ignored me all night. Now perhaps you weren't exactly angry, but for whatever reason you chose not to respond to my desperate pleas. It was sheer and utter torture. Not punishment. Based on the fact that you have never done that again, I do think that you had no idea how deeply it would hurt me.We were very new to each other at the time. Still are really. Which ... That kind of bugs me even now. I mean. You should have been concentrating on your own newbie sub and her welfare and not somebody else's sub. And then the fact that you reprimanded me when you were lying to me. Ugh! Anyway. Enough of that. Even though you have never admitted to ignoring me that night, I forgive you, well, I actually forgave you a long time ago.

Everything is much better now. I feel very close to you. And I don't believe that you will ever hurt me like that again. (At least I sincerely hope you never will)
I'm going to fall asleep dreaming of being with you in real time someday. I love you so very much.
;)

Saturday June 28, 2014

Okay so I wrote a whole big long blog then I closed my phone and lost the whole thing. ;(

Apparently I can only learn to save things when somebody I don't want to see them can see them.

So today was big big huge huge fight. All because I was talking to my DOM when I wasn't supposed to be. Yes I broke my word. But that just wasn't working, and i know from experience, there's no negotiating with him. I cant go 3 days without at least a text message or something. I just lose it I just can't do it. I get too emotional. I don't know if that's normal because I've never been in a D/s relationship before. But at any rate hubby wanted to punish me for it. So he said that I would have to go two weeks without any contact from my Dom at all whatsoever. Hubby is not my Dom. And even if I wanted to, which I don't, I know there is no way that I could stick to an agreement like that. There is no way that I would be able to go two whole weeks without contacting him at all that's just unreasonable that's just outrageous it's just too much I couldn't handle it. Yes I know, pathetic, right, that's what he said that its pathetic that I need contact with my Dom but I don't agree. So I'm not going home. I'm out of there for now. I don't know where I'm going to live and all I have is the clothes on my back, my purse and my phone. I don't even have my dog. And I'm not going back there. He threw a cup of coffee all over me and then stranded me in a parking lot. And he took the house key so that I couldn't get in. Enough is Enough.

Thursday, June 26, 2014.

 I woke up this morning to the wonderful text from you just saying you were thinking about me. It made me smile and my heart sing to know that you you woke thinking of me, it just makes me feel so good.

It was so it was so wonderful being with you last night. I don't know how I'm going to go four days without you. It's just possible, I will find a way that I can be with you because I am just NOT going to survive four days. I will be fit to be tied for sure.

I'm still in bed snuggled under the blankets. Just thinking of you, remembering last night, still feeling so good. I wish I could capture this feeling and just tap into in anytime I wanted to, anytime I felt insecure. I wish I could just go back to these happy moments and relive them.

later

It's been a long day. Not hearing his voice all day has been hard. I just can't imagine living like this for the rest of my life, things will have to change. I feel so empty when I don't get to connect with him. Yes we have texted back and forth a bit, but, it's just not the same, I need to hear his voice.

What I really need is to be with him again. I have such a longing for him to claim me again, bring back the feelings, the state of mind from last night. I just want and need to feel secure and being with him gives me that security. 

He said, he wants me in his bed, oh God I would do just about anything to really be in his bed. To see him in real time and not over an electronic device. To touch him, smell him, be in his presence. I long for this, I try not to think about it too much, and at first it wasn't as hard, I was grateful for just the LDR that we have. But each day, each week that passes, I yearn to be with him physically more and more. Even to be able to touch something that he touched - the thought gives me a huge lump in my throat and brings tears to my eyes - I adore him so very much. 

I was thinking too, why does him being with another woman bother me so much. 

I think I have figured out a little bit of it. Or I have at least formed an hypothesis. I mean, I want him to be happy and I certainly don't want him to have to suffer in any way, so what is the big deal if he has cybersex with some random woman, he has said he won't take on any more baby girls or subs. So the only time he would be giving this other woman attention is time that he cannot be with me anyway, or else he could just come to me to have his needs met. I hate that he can't just call me any time day or night. I hate that I can't be there for him when he needs me. It makes me want to be single.

He always says, there is emotion in all relationships, so what if he became very attached to his play partner and wanted me to give her some of my time with him. Not cool. And also NOT happening.

Also, when it's happening, if it's happening, it's on the weekend. The weekend when I am in prison and not supposed to contact him....we are forced to be separated for three days. So here I am crying my eyes out because I want to be with him so badly while some other woman is taking what should be mine, what would be mine if I was not in this prison. 

So then resentment builds, towards any woman who expresses interest, and towards my husband. Perhaps that sounds selfish. But he doesn't want to give me what I need, and the fact of the matter is, he's just not capable of being my Dom. There are many reasons. 

Tuesday June 24, 2014

On this night we were together. On this night I was truly his again.
I could see the love in his eyes and hear it in his voice. I had no fear. I was safe...with him.
Nothing else mattered except our love for one another and the passion we shared.

We talked after, we laughed, we loved. We connected. I was finally back where I belonged. With him. Where I want to be. Always.

The way He takes me. He penetrates deep into my mind. His words create another world where we are together. Like hypnosis almost, or maybe it is. He mentioned that I seem to go into a trance when he takes control. Yes. I do. I notice it too. It's when I let go of my fear, it's like, relaxing only it's my mind and not my body. He has complete and utter control of me in those moments. When I have surrendered to him, It's like I  have no will of my own. Last night I surrendered, well not just last night but all day yesterday. I felt his dominance over me all day. Even though we weren't together,
He said, he could sense my submission. Strange but wonderful. I remember when we first met before the "great divide" we were connected, somehow, I can't explain it, but we would, out of nowhere, message each other at the same time about the same thing. He was thousands of miles away but somehow he and I were always "together". It's like he said the other night, we mesh together, we fit together.
I do think his words from Monday had a lot to do with my comfort level, with my being able to give myself to him completely.
He was talking about his previous submissive, (he has told me before that he was in love with her) he was saying, that after he released her, he didn't think he would ever find another woman with whom he would have that level of connection. That he felt as strongly about us, about our relationship as he did/does about a relationship he had for 4 years. I was watching him, he was genuine, the comment was spontaneous. Not planned. Not meant to manipulate me. He wasn't just " telling me what i wanted to hear " or "taking advantage of my vulnerability" And I know, I could see, he was putting his heart out there and I know, he was a little hurt that I did not respond more... Um... Emphatically. There were just so many thoughts running through my mind, so many emotions I was not able to put them into words. I was kind of taken aback, a little overwhelmed by his words, his vulnerability, and the love and naked honesty coming from him. He let me in. He showed me his heart. I hope I was not unkind, I hope he knew, although my words weren't eloquent, I hope he knew that I love him too. I want to be as important to him as she was/is. Maybe it sounds cruel but I want to be the woman he would never quite get over. I want him to need me as much as I need him.

It was a magical night.

Happy Sigh :)

Love

All I can think about right now is how deeply I am in love with my Sir.

I sent him this message...

"For some reason, I am feeling overwhelmed with love for you. Adoration. I would love to just sit at your feet and lay my head on your lap. Just content to know that I am yours, that you truly are in love with me, that you are my Sir. I want to obey you and serve you, I want your happiness."

And it's true. All I want to think about is what I can possibly do to make him happy. To make him smile. He really is an amazing man. And he is so good to me and good for me.

Hubby said to me, "I'm glad you're back" meaning, back to my self.
I was very sad and depressed for a long time. I had stopped caring about myself. But since January I have really changed. In fact hubby says it's like I'm a different person. I started going to the aquafit class, I started caring about how I look, taking pride in my appearance. I have a ton more self confidence. (Including the confidence to speak my mind to my Dom, which may not always be such a good thing. LOL).
All this is because of the amazing man who owns me. Yes. I said he owns me. That is still new to me sometimes. But it is exactly, and he is exactly, what I want and need.

In the middle of the night

After we've been together, sometimes I'm very tired and sometimes I can't sleep. I hear that's normal. lol

I lay here thinking about you. You are so very sweet to me. The way you talk to me and all the kind things you say. I think about how empty my life would be without you. Especially at midnight Monday through Thursday. lol
I love you.

So I've been thinking a lot about the phrase trust but verify. So if you have to verify doesn't that mean that you don't trust? I know now that I didn't do my proper due diligence. I gave myself to a man I barely knew. I asked very few questions. Not even the right ones. I should have waited longer I should have held out. Not because I don't want to be with him because I do want to be with him but because I fell in love with him before I even knew who he was. And I fell very hard. There are so many things  I really didn't know and I'm sure many more things that I don't know. I wish we had become friends first. I wish we hadn't just jumped right into a relationship. It seems like we missed out on something. As I said he is so very kind to me. And I would be lost without him now. I guess sometimes I just wonder if he actually realizes what I'm giving up to be his. Yes I'm willingly giving it up but still. For as long as I'm his I will not be allowed to play with others. And since I never have it's an experience that I am giving up. Being his is more important.

I wonder very much what a year from now will bring. Will we still be together I'm sure if we are our relationship will have changed somewhat,  grown as people hopefully and grown closer. Its been 5 months. 5 very eventful months.
One thing I do agree with is that he is the right Dom for me.
Good night world.
:
MWAH

In the beginning...

OK, So, My Dom has given me the assignment of keeping a daily journal. Before I actually get into current events though, I am to reflect upon our relationship beginning with when we met. I'll be adding to it as I can. I don't have very much privacy. 

It was in January of 2014, I am pretty sure it was January 24th, but not positive about that. It was a few weeks after my run in with Michael. (but that's a whole other story).

He was very kind and patient with me. He told me his real name, which was much different than almost all of the other Doms I had talked to. They all wanted to be called Sir. I being naive, assumed that as a submissive woman I was required to call them that. I did ask one of them, and he said, “Well, if they want you to and you don't, they probably won't talk to you."

I talked with several Dom's.

Not just on Fet. I was on another site as well. I had spoken with two Doms who live close to me. Both married and looking for a submissive outside of their marriage in secret. I was not telling my H.

I had tried very hard to get him to listen and to learn, but he refused. He was too busy with his philosophy. He no longer wanted sex with me. At one point he said "you're like a dog in heat". He was very cruel with his words. I felt unwanted, unloved and even unworthy of love and of sex.

Then, I met Grizz. I " loved " one of his writings on Fet. And he struck up a conversation with me. We liked each other right away. He read my profile, he said in a message "you seem very sincere in your journey"

I said, "I am."

"Then come take my hand and we shall see where it leads." 

I'm afraid. I wrote back. 

I'm afraid to trust.

Julie, will you trust me for today?  Just today? He messaged back.

I will. I said, I will take your hand and trust you for today. 

He led me out of the dark forest.

He saved me from being taken in by a fake Don. And from seeking a Dom in real time.

I was supposed to, I had arranged to meet a Dom locally at a coffee shop. And then if we liked each other, we would go to a motel room. When I look back now I see how dangerous that was. At the time, I was suffering from what I now know was severe sub-frenzy. It is like a drug addict whose drug of choice was suddenly taken away. I was in such a state, that I would have done pretty much anything just to experience the submissive feelings I had with Master Michael. To experience also,  being with a Dom/Master. I wanted it more than I've ever wanted anything. 

I told Grizz about my plans. I hadn't told anyone else. 

He said "Well, it's your choice, but I'm safer."

I thought about that. And he was right.

It would be safer to have an online Dom. For many reasons. Including the fact that I was married.

So, I choose Grizz. 

The first few weeks, months were amazing.

The cybersex we had was incredible.

I would be with him at Midnight 4 nights a week. I added him to my profile as my protector. 

It has not always been easy with him.

You see, he was what he calls "a flirt". 

But he wasn't just " flirting " but I wasn't aware, and I was naive. I learned that he was having sex with many other women, whoever he fancied on any given day. 

He was not honest with me about his relationships with other women. But I didnt find that out until I had already submitted my mind body and soul to him. 

Nothing hurts more than when you find out your Dom has lied to you and betrayed your trust, broken his word. 

Monday

It's Monday, I got to go to my aquafit class today. Yaaaaa! It makes my day so much better.

I haven't had a lot of time to message you, feeling a little disconnected from you. But I know, we will be together tonight. I just need to be patient, not one of my strong suits. :)

It's almost 6pm, this is the first opportunity I've had to write. Still I have to be quiet. My mind is quiet today, compared to most days. It's been quiet here. No arguing or upsets, which is good.

It does cross my mind, well, you mentioned, that other account. I truly have no way of knowing if you are talking to her or another woman or not,. Either you're not, or you've learned to cover your tracks better. I am erring on the side that you have told me the truth, that you are not FranklyEarnest. But honestly there is no way for me to ever know that beyond any doubt. Talking to her is not even the issue, lying to me about it was. I don't dwell on it. But sometimes, I still feel the hurt for a second or two when you talk about honesty (like in your profile) or making these fake profiles. It's not an issue, and I think I have come very far since that day, as far as dealing with my feelings. At one point I was sure you had done it on purpose just to hurt me because you made it so easy for me to find and figure out it was you. I think what made me the most upset was that I felt you had willfully destroyed what we had, I trusted you beyond reason and beyond any doubt whatsoever, I would have done anything for you. It was so easy for me to obey you because I adored the very ground you walk on. I had no reservations about giving myself to you completely, but after that, I had to learn to trust you all over again, second guessing everything, not trusting even myself, submitting was and sometimes still is a challenge, not like in the beginning when it felt right and natural. But... I digress, you have been earning my trust since then. And as far as I know you have not lied to me since that day. I can only hope that, that is true, there is no 100% . I am not sure what would happen to me if I was to find out that you were still lying to me. Anyway, like I said, I don't sit and think about it. I have all of my hopes pinned on you and your love for me and I have great hope that someday we will be as close as we once were. I figure, if you were playing games and didn't really love me you would not have stuck around for this long. If you were not genuine, you would not have the patience with me that you have needed to allow me the time I need to feel comfortable and close with you again.

I don't want to hold things back, and you have said you want to read my journals. It does concern me a great deal. I would hate for you to make decisions based on my temporary feelings. But I also think that if this is to be worthwhile exercise, I have to be able to write out my thoughts and feelings as they are, uncensored, otherwise this journal would be fake.

I think a lot about what I want out of a D/s relationship, as far as being a submissive goes.
I know that I want and need a very strong Dom, one who can "keep me under control" as someone once said. LOL. I want and need to know that he has control over himself and of me.
I also want and need to be his only submissive. It's not jealousy. It's because, I need a lot of time and attention, and if there were others then he would not be able to give me what I need.
I hate the word, incompatible, they say that a lot on the website when giving advice. "Maybe you are just incompatible and should end the relationship" That is so horrible to read, even if it is true sometimes. It's just not so cut and dried. There are real people and real feelings involved.  It's not so easy to just give up on someone you have given yourself to, it is very emotionally devastating.

I did feel much better this weekend, knowing I could talk to you sometimes.
Friday was hard. He and I had an argument, and it left me feeling unwanted and unworthy of love. The gist of it was that having sex with me just wasn't worth the effort that foreplay requires, that I should be the one trying to get him in the mood. So, it hurt my feelings and I went to my room and cried for a while, all I could think was I needed you, I needed to talk with you but couldn't, that I just wanted to be free of him and free of his judgments. Planning how I could get away, what I could do, because I know that you would tell me that I am wanted and I am worthy.

I've been thinking today, about when you said when we first met "I think I'll keep You". I was pondering... you have said before, that you really want your baby girls to find long term relationships with good decent men... and with me the situation is different. I'm past that. Been there done that... threw out the T-shirt. LOL. So maybe, subconsciously even, you meant that you could " keep me" forever... 💋