Fucked

I needed my Sir today, very badly, he was on my mind all day.

He's been in the hospital. A mild heart attack.

I know, I know, sex is strenuous.
I shouldn't have pushed.

But it was so fucking good to have him take me. I need to feel submissive and much of the time, I don't.

I think he's OK. I mean, it's not like he had to physically fuck me. So it shouldn't have put too much strain on him.

I am his.
No matter how I try to fight it sometimes, the fact is, I belong to him.
I don't want another man's hands on me.
I only want him.

His

He said "I love having you as my submissive"
My heart is singing.
Smiling
I have so much love for him.
*happy sigh*

I've been emotional

I'm thinking now, after reading previous journals that Bill is right, I am suffering this way because of lack of contact with him. I forget the things I learned about submission and sub space and sub drop, I forget how, by giving in, giving him my submission, I'm connected to him.

This morning (well started last night) I was full of doubt, crying, I thought he had found a new playmate that he likes better than me. I asked him. He refused to answer. He said, "we're not going there again"
Then he said he has deactivated his Fet account. I have no way to check, he might be lying, I know he will lie sometimes to try to protect me, or to make me happy. Doesn't matter. He says he wants more time with me.

We had an amazing session. I cried a lot after. It opens me. Leaves me vulnerable, out of control.
I told him about not wanting another man's hands on me. That, when I think about it, I don't like it, I only want him, I only want to cum for him and with him. That scares me. It scares me because it's like he has brainwashed me, so that my only desire is for him. Imprinting. That's what he calls it. I didn't think it was real. But. I really am his. It is real. I truly belong to him. He always says, "I have your heart" and it's true, he does. I just hope he doesn't break it, break me.
He says he will never leave me until the day he dies. It's almost like wedding vows, but stronger somehow. I think stronger because it's a deeper connection, a deeper love. That's my opinion anyway.
I am happy. Most of the time.
I like having my own place, doing whatever I want.
I'm only sad when I feel lonely. Or when my longing to be with him overwhelms me. It's very strong. Stronger every day.
Someday, I might just show up in Texas. I wonder what he would do.
I feel safe when I'm confident in our relationship. I feel protected, even though he can't really protect me from so far away.
I thought I needed a new Dom.
I was wrong.
I just need him. Physically, I need him. I must find a way.

So badly

I just want to be with him so badly
Tears.
Happiness with never ending sadness.
Why did I do this
Why did I let myself fall in love with a married man who lives 2700 km away.

It's heart breaking.

At the munch

At least I do know some people.

How does he do it?

How does he fill my heart with so much love with just a conversation.

I love him with all of my heart.
I wish I could always be his, I wish I could be in his arms everyday for the rest of my life.
I wish that wishing would make it so.

With him

That's where I want to be.

He tells me I'm precious to him, often, which I love hearing.
It's just, I stopped letting it penetrate my heart, because I'd been hurt, I was afraid to open myself to the possibility of more pain.

But today, today when he said it, I believed him, it touched my heart. I really am precious to him. I could feel his love.

Wanting

Today was full of wanting.
Deep inside me. Wanting to be fucked.

I sent Bill these messages:

I need sex Bill. I'm going mad. Such strong desires. They will overpower me and I'm afraid of making bad choices. I need physical sex. I can't continue on like this. And it's tearing me apart emotionally. I can't lose you but I can't keep going without sex, you know what happens to me, like when we met. It's getting worse everyday.

I need a man to touch me, to grab me, put his hands on my breasts, to grab and pinch my nipples hard to pull on them, make me cry out, I need to be restrained, my legs spread, for his inspection, his enjoyment, I need to be flogged, whipped to the edge of speaking my safe word, I need these things, I need to be taken, used. I crave it like a drug. I need to be told when to cum, and when not to, I need it so badly.

He said call me.
He was harsh with me. But in the most amazing way. Letting me know, he is the one in control, not me. I fucking love him so much.
He let me cum, although, I didn't think he was going to.
It was fucking amazing.
I'm still wanting.
He said later, he will find time.
YES! YES! YES!

Supposed to be sleeping

But I can't

He woke up

He talked to me for a while.
A sliver of hope.

He calms me, I'm still sad and alone, but calmer.

I feel bad for disturbing his sleep when he has to work in the morning. But so many hours without him is hard.

He says we will talk about finding someone "with skin on" lol as he says.
I love him so. It's so hard to think about not having him. I need a Dom who will be OK with me keeping Grizz. I don't want to ever let him go.  Tears falling.

He wants me to do something fun tomorrow.

I always wonder if he reads my journal.

I do not want to exist

Not without human companionship, love, sex, I want real physical sex. I cannot keep doing without. It's been too long since I've felt the touch of a man.
I know, he doesn't want me to be with another man.
But I need physical attention. I'm suffering. Just as I was with Marc. Except now, I get nothing.
Not even a kiss, not a hug, no warm embraces. Nothing. Why is there a reason to continue if I will never be made love to again.
He has his wife, I know he's not with her often. But he has her to hold when the night is so long. I am so lonely. I am so sad. I do not want to continue this existence.

Feeling sad. Alone

He went to bed, with no word of goodnight, no thoughts of me. Me here, alone. Lonely.

He does so much for me. I know.
Am I so terrible for wanting this. For being upset about this.
But my heart aches without him. I need him, everyday. I need good morning, I need goodnight, I need his presence. Or I fall apart. He is the glue holding the pieces together. Without him I would crumble and turn to dust.

Not your fuck buddy

I am your Sir, I own you. You're mine

He said, I'm not your fuck buddy.

If that's what you want you'd need to go find someone else.
I said
That's not what I want.
He said, good!

OMG I love it so much when he shows his control and dominance.

Tonight. Unexpected. Amazing.
I love my Sir.

All I want to do is obey him.

The most amazing New Year

My Sir, my Grizzly, my Love and yes even, my Daddy sometimes
Is amazing.
We just spent an hour, talking, a real heart to heart. He listened to me. He answered my questions honestly. Meant so much. His love, his guidance, his rules, his discipline they mean everything to me.
I love when he gives me a task that he can actually check that I've completed. It's a wonderful feeling. I love his "no nonsense" tone of voice.
His specific requirements. I love it all!!! It strengthens my submission to him. It makes me so very happy.
He took away those panicky feelings I was having and replaced them with love and adoration for him, only him.
He sang my song for me. ;)
He "put me to bed" that was so very awesome.
His tone, when he said "bedtime is now"
I get it now, I understand the "Thank you Daddy" Thank you Sir" for the discipline, for the boundaries for the enforcement. I absolutely love being his submissive.
I love being a submissive. It fills my whole being with joy. I'm so happy right now, I could burst!
I just had a thought, I think, he just, actually now that I think about it, I'm sure of it... He put me in sub space, without sex, just through his Dominance, his wonderful confident Dominance. *sigh* i love him so much. I feel very submissive toward him right now.
Which means, watch out for a crash, I know, I had forgotten because it has been so long since it happened, but I remember now and I'll be prepared.
I love you Bill, my Sweet Sir. mmm *happy sigh*

You my darling are amazing.