Would he?

I don't ask. He doesn't call.
Would he even care if I was gone.
I don't know.
:(

Silly things

So I've asked Sir to help me with getting/keeping my apartment in order. So he is. LOL
It's so silly ... the huge smile on my face... doing dishes... Which I don't like doing. But because I was doing it for no other reason than because he told me to and he wanted picture proof ... I smiled all the way through, my heart singing, laughing at myself... I was being a "good girl" and I was so proud... It's hilarious lol

In love

I'm officially in love.
No doubt about it.
I am deeply and irreversibly in love with him. ;)

I just want to please him and serve him to the best of my ability.

That was yesterday.

Today... well actually today I was just dreaming of him. Loving him.
But now
Now, there is a tightening in my gut.
A panic setting in.
A panic that he will leave me.
Abandon me.
No longer want me.
Like the others.

Like Dave, and Marc and Bill. :'(
Tears falling
I'm so very afraid.
I can't sleep
:(

Happy and Sad

When I think about him, I smile involuntarily. lol
Like a silly school girl
Then.
I think, he's so good.
Perhaps he deserves better than me.
I mean... younger... a baby girl
I think
That's what his profile says he's looking for...
Then I get sad.

Me and Mike

I've been thinking a lot about my relationship with Mike. It kind of bothers me that I feel that he is not as attached to me as I am to him. But after talking with KC and talking with Moira. I feel like I might be wrong about that. I feel like he tells me that I don't have his heart but maybe I really do but he doesn't want me to know because he's protecting himself. Just because he does seem to be so very attentive and loving and he says this is not casual for him so what does "this is not casual " mean??  to me that means he's in love with me ... because if you weren't in love with me then it would be just casual wouldn't it? I don't know? he confuses  me . but you know what I truly love being with him just even talking to him laughing watching TV I enjoy his company I enjoy being his I enjoy wearing his play collar and oh my... lol...  he's just... he's a good man and he's a very respectful Dom and I don't know how often I'm going to find that. I don't want to give that up. I don't think I should give it up even even if he's not in love with me perhaps that's not a requirement. Or perhaps that comes later. I don't know maybe he doesn't know what being in love means. lol Just a bunch of thoughts running through my head and so... yeah.... lol

Living Your Truth

You feel balanced.

Life is going to throw lemons your way. There will be disappointments, pain, death and broken hearts. Knowing that you're anchored and have a foundation regardless of what happens is a sign of truth and a sign of balance.

You aren't looking to be completed.

When you are being true to yourself, your whole and complete. There is no need to search for someone else to do this for you. The more you look to be completed, the more you weaken the sense of completeness that you have within.

Out side validation is your only source of validation.

Being true to yourself means your main source of validation is from within. Sure, outside validation feels good, but it should not be your only source of validation. The more it is, the more you lower your sense of self.

You're not depending on others to feel good about yourself.

Living in your truth means your relationship with others are about respect. They bring out the light and live within. I mean you aren't dependent on those relationships to feel good about yourself.

You don't feel guilty speaking your truth.

The reality is that you're not going to appease everyone. It's an illusion to think that you are. Being honest and truthful about communicating with others is where there is lasting fulfillment and you embrace what living or truth really means.

You don't take everything personally.

It can be easy to take what others say personally this can get you in a negative head space where you overcompensate and ultimately aren't being true to yourself. By being true to yourself, you trust in your actions and your choices. You realise that what others do has to do with them, not you.

You believe you're more than your job, relationship, looks or financial status.

Your value is innately within you. When you are being true to yourself the externals don't define you. You realize you are more than what you have. You believe you are whole.

That won't be allowed. Smiles

Me
"I quit smoking in 1995, well I have smoked since then occassionaly. Well, except last year, I did start smoking again regularly for about year, buying actual cartons and everything.

Sir
 "Well, that won't be allowed..."

Me
Catching my breath, smiling, lowering my eyes, such an affect this has on me, any, even just this small showing of His dominance and I get butterflies, I feel my pulse racing and just want to fall to my knees in front of Him.*happy sigh* The power exchange aspect of D/s is so very intoxicating for me.

Be careful

Be careful

Be careful little girl, where you walk.
Be careful what you do and how you talk.

Be careful little one cause you don't know
What lies underneath the clean white snow.

Be careful sweet thing and open your eyes
Some only want to fill you with lies

Be careful pretty girl protect your soft heart
Don't let the wolves tear it apart

Be careful

Doubts

I'm not sure about him.
Only that maybe he's settling.
Maybe he'd rather have someone else.
A baby girl type. Young and thin like torture doll.
I think he might be in love with her.
But it's all conjecture.
And my own fears.
Grizz preferred someone younger, a baby girl. Maybe he will too.
I don't want to be the consolation prize.
I want someone who's grateful for me. Who would not be interested in a baby girl.
:(
Perhaps he doesn't exist.

Pretty words

Hello My slut. I have been missing you. This morning I thought of you, masked with a full head ball gag. you had on your corset, garter belt and stockings. I was dressed in a black body suit and hooded. I spanked your ass and cropped your pussy, then stimulated your clit and stretched out your ass until you begged for My cock. you begged Me to fuck you, let you cum. I pounded your cunt with My cock, often pushing the gag in and covering your nose so you couldn't breath. I fucked  you over and over you came many times, then I jammed My cock in your stretched ass. I fuck your ass hard, your senses where over whelmed, then I came in your ass.  All you could do was pant to try to regain your breath. I took the gag out and commanded you suck My cock, but you couldn't, your body was spent. I had fucked you into oblivion.

I need to remember

Good Morning My slut. I am glad you slept well last night, but not pleased that you stayed up late playing on your phone Thursday night. What where you trying to accomplish that stubbornness kept you awake? I have been trying to think of what displinary  action is appropriate, but being tired the next day is consequences of its own. I know that My displeasure will also weigh heavy. So for now you will get only a stern message, but I do not what it to happen again. You have enough trouble getting sleep with medication and family matters. I do not what you up late playing with your phone. From now on bed time is 11pm, unless you ask permission to stay up late and have a good explanation, example you are going to a family event (tonight a Stag and Doe). Kiss on the forehead.
That reminds Me, have you written Trip to thank him for bringing the retan switches to Shenanigans?
I love you My slut. We are packing and preparing today. Are you helping with the move? 💋 😘

Thinking about my "place"

I have read
Some need constant reminders that they are not in charge, they push the limits,
Some say they are just naturally submissive and almost never step out of line or "forget their place"

I am new to this lifestyle and even though submitting to my Sir, being his property, doing whatever he tells me, is what I truly desire with every fiber of my being, even though my deepest wish is to serve him to the best of my ability... I'm not perfect...

I don't always fulfil my responsibilities as I know I should. When it happens, I feel very guilty about it. Ashamed. I want more than anything for my Sir to be proud of me, to be a good girl for him.

If I fail to ALWAYS do what I know is expected, does that mean I'm not a "true" submissive ?

If I need a reminder from time to time, a reprimand or even discipline, does that mean I'm not a good submissive?

These are some of the questions floating around in my brain.

Thing is, I like, actually I LOVE, when he exercises his authority. When he says no it has a huge affect on me maybe even more so than when he says yes.
Does that make me bratty?

Many things to ponder.

He called .... *happy sigh*

He seems to be wanting me more often.
He called tonight to fuck me over the phone.
I love my Sir so much.
Tomorrow I'll be in his arms again.
*happy sigh*

Fireworks

Such a lovely day.
I got to see my Sir. He fucked me really good.
Then we went to a BBQ with Alexis and Bender and their family. Then to the beach to watch the fireworks. Canada Day Fireworks with my Sir... mmmmm I'm so happy. It was wonderful. Being with him, adoring him, (happy sigh) :D