Christmas

Has come and gone.
Didn't feel like Christmas without Marc and his mom.
I feel rather numb about it all.
Like I was/am just on auto pilot, going through the motions until it's finally over. No real break downs. Just weirdness. Odd disassociated type feelings. Like I was merely an observer.
Like I was drugged to make me stay calm, but, I wasn't.
I did shed a few tears, in private, I don't like crying in front of them (my girls) because I think it makes them angry. Because it's all my fault. I am the one who destroyed our family. My choices. Led to this misery. I have destroyed all our lives. I am a horrible person and I hate myself for what I have done.