Busy Day

I went to a Christmas party today. It was a lot of fun. I was so excited when I got home so happy it was so great to go and be with people were having fun and laughing It was so great.

I got to talk to grizz a little bit when I got home. Not for too long but a little bit. I am glad that I even got that. Not used to going to sleep without talking to him now. It would make me sad. I love him a lot.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about dating or at least meeting someone for coffee maybe various someone's. I'm afraid though. I'm afraid of a lot of things actually. My biggest fear is that I will lose grizz. I don't want that to happen.  I'm starting to think I'm almost strong enough to start thinking about having another man in my life I mean a real life physical man who lives near me. I want to keep grizz to though. So that doesn't leave me a lot of options. I know I know I want my cake and eat it too. Just wish I could have grizz and have a sir here too. And I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to cause him sadness. I don't want him to stop having cyber sex with me and phone sex with me. But I think that's what will happen if I say that I want to start dating I think he will stop having sex with me. I think he'll pull away from me. And I understand why he would do that because he would need to and I'm kind of let go a little bit so that he wouldn't get to hurt but I don't want that I don't want him to pull away from me at all. I don't know I start thinking about it and then I think oh maybe, maybe I'm ready to agreed to go for coffee but then when I actually think about doing it I get afraid. What if they don't like me. What if I don't like them? What if they turn out to be a dangerous person? What if I like them but they're not a Dom ? What if bill decides that if I'm looking for another man he has to back away from me, completely release me, I don't want that I can't handle that. I'm not ready for that. I don't know if I ever will be ready for that. I'm just very lonely. But I definitely want a DOM or a master not a boyfriend not a husband and there are very specific criteria that he's got to have. I don't want any players. I don't want a married man. Although a married man might be better. A married man might be more accepting of my Grizz.
I need a man who will treat me like Michael did. I don't mean how he disappeared on me. I just mean his attitude his mannerism the way he said I must always call him Sir. I must always answer yes sir or no sir. And I must obey Him. I want to really be a submissive I want to belong to a man. I need to know that he owns me. I need to feel like I'm his. I know I have grizz. And I am his. And I do obey Him. But it's just not the same. Its very very seldom now that I feel submissive feelings towards him. I feel a great deal of love towards him. But I don't feel his dominance. Every now and then I do a certain word or a certain look or a certain attitude that he gets. I long for more of that. And now, now he has a job, and very very little time for me . I I try to be understanding. It's just .... When I'm not with him, I'm alone. He's not. He has his wife. He has Jess. He has Brittany and he has Nicki. Maybe there's more to I don't know. The point is I need him but he doesn't need me.
I'm not sure if he understands that. I'm not sure if he understands the difference between him and I in that manner I mean that context. I feel like they are a group and I'm an outsider.

Sometimes I think, maybe grizz would help me find a good Dom. Then I wonder if that's too much to ask would that be too painful for him? Is that going to break his heart? That brings tears to my eyes immediately. I can't stand the thought of hurting him. Hurting him would just tear my heart out.
Why why do I always get myself in these situations? Into a relationship where it's the it's not exactly what I need it's not exactly when or what but I love them and I don't want to hurt them and so I get stuck. I don't know I think I'm just rambling on now.
Time to sleep if I can its 3 a.m. Hopefully. I can.