Can't sleep

Awake for hours, or waking up several times. So hard to shut off my brain. Doesn't seem to work no matter what I do. So I watch TV to stop my brain from thinking. Or I come to bed and I play my game. But then once I run out of lives I can't play my game anymore. So then I have to find something else to do.

I think about my sir. I can smell the way it smells in my room after we've been together. It's not an unpleasant smell I think its from all of the gushing. It reminds me of him. It reminds me of being his. How wonderful he makes me feel and how aroused. I love him so much.

But I can't sleep. I can't seem to relax.

Sir and I had a huge fight I guess you'd call it a fight. I'm not sure if that's what you call it. He was angry and I was angry. I expressed my anger disrespectfully which was wrong of me. He didn't talk to me for the rest of the evening. I understood he was angry and didn't want to say anything nasty. I was feeling the same way I just didn't want to say anything more nasty than I already had. What happened was... he started talking about that person whom he felt it was necessary to act as her DOM and make sure she was doing all her so called assigned tasks... assigned by who I can only guess I assumed it was him, but anyway, at the time when he told me about her he was also not having very much time for me that's  how I felt, and he was also telling me that his baby girl Jess was complaining that he had no time for her. But somehow he had time for that other little bitch. And then I had asked him that after I close my FetLife account that he wouldn't talk about the people from there basically he wouldn't talk about all the women that he's interested in. It upsets me. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough. Like he needs more women he needs other women someone else because I'm not good enough. It makes me fearful. I start being afraid that he's going to fall in love with them and he's going to not want me anymore. That he'll take away his love and take away his affection and take away his attention and take away all the wonderful things that he gives me. I don't want to lose him. I know I know he has chosen me that's what he says. But he has lied to me before. And I do believe that if it suited his purposes he would lie again. I'm not saying he's an evil person for that. I merely being pragmatic that's the way it is that's the fact of the matter and that's all there is to it. That doesn't mean I love him any less but it does mean that I don't always trust that what he tells me is true. I try to remember that most of the things that we talk about even if he is lying it doesn't really matter. Because he still giving me the things that I need. But still it's hard. It's hard to know that he could choose to lie to me again in a heartbeat.

I love being with him. I love how he makes me feel. I love when he gives me commands and when he insists or correct me and makes me call him Sir. That's when I feel the most alive. When he puts me in my place. I don't want to be his girlfriend, or his mistress , or his wife, or anything like that. I want to be his submissive I want to be treated like I am his property that is when I feel completely loved completely safe that is when I adore him. He checked up on my journal writing. That was amazing the feeling I got when he confronted me with that. When I became aware that he cared enough to check that he cared enough to talk about it with me and insist that I do it. That was amazing. I do wish he was a little more forceful. Because when he's not I lose my focus.

I've been getting depressed periodically. Like really badly depressed. Even thoughts of suicide. But not like, you know, particular thoughts of how I would do it . But more just not wanting to be here. Not wanting to be a burden on anyone. Not having anyone to take care of me. Being lonely. Not knowing what the future holds and thinking that I'm just going to be alone for the rest of my life. It all gets me really down. but then a couple of times I thought about Ariella and how much she would miss me and how sad she would be if I was gone. that helped me to pull out of a little bit. Enough that I realized I just need to wait it out. Just go to sleep or distract myself for a while and eventually I would feel better. I definitely couldn't have made it through those tough times without my Sir. Just having him there to listen may well have saved my life. Knowing that he really does care about me. That he loves me. Even though I don't really know why... I do know that he does.

Ok enough of that thinking about sad things.

my sir went back to work. So now he has very very little time for me.  Today he called ...well texted me and I called but same thing.... And he talked very quickly for 2 or 3 minutes and then said goodbye, well said goodnight I guess . I didn't get a chance to talk to him at all I barely said 2 words. I feel kind of like I've been muzzled. Because I didn't get to tell him anything or say anything. And he didn't even notice. That makes me sad. But I know he didn't mean to do that he's just busy. He had a long day. But it does make me wonder, it makes me wonder how much time he spent with his other ladies today, not that he shouldn't spend time with them of course he should, but not at my expense they are not my baby girls they are not my responsibility.

I'm so silly... Sigh..Not only do I  fall in love with a married man. Not only is he married, but he also has three other women that he cares for and has sex with. How stupid am I. I know I can never be with him. I mean I will never be his life partner. I will never even live with him I will never even live close to him. It will be a miracle if I even ever get to meet him in person. But I love him. I do get concerned sometimes that my being with him will prevent me from moving on because I don't want to give him up , it's just not fair. But then life's not fair that's just the way it is.  Sometimes I wonder about his baby girls because he says he wants them to have relationships. But I think as long as they have him they won't find any relationships they don't need to they don't want to and sometimes I think he's being unfair to them. He keeps them on the hook... kind of like addicted to him ...and he keeps feeding them his drug and until he stops they will never be free to find someone else to love. So he's stopping them from having lives, from getting married and having children. Because they love him and they don't want to give him up. They don't want to chance it they are not willing to risk it. Neither am I. That's how I know. I'm caught between wanting the touch of a man and wanting to keep my Sir. I can't have both. At least that's how it seems.

Sigh. Enough for tonight.

Time to close my eyes and try to stop thinking.