Loving him.

It's Christmas.
The last voice I heard today was that of my precious Grizzly.
The sound of his voice in my ear brings such happiness to my heart, a smile to my lips, and a tear to my eye because I love him so. I want to be with him. I wish with all my heart that our situations were different. I wish I could just be his forever. I want to feel his touch. I want to know how it feels to touch him. To give him my love. *sigh*. I want him in real time. Being cyber lovers is not enough. I ache in the pit of my stomach with a longing to go to him, to just leave everything here behind me, and go to him. He is all that matters.
But then, I remember Ella. And my daughters. My family. My life here.  And I also know, he doesn't want me there. What we have IS enough for him. He has his wife. He does not want me too close for comfort.
I know that he loves me. (Although there is a bit of White Knight syndrome in there too).
I fucking want to be in his arms!!!
For real!!!!
I want my Dom to hold me, love me, kiss me!!!
I want to feel him!!! I need to feel him!!!
Ugh!
I suspect. It will never happen.
We will never meet.
He is too far away.
He is not even entitled to vacation time for a very long time. Who knows what might happen by then, and besides that. He has no plans to come here. Oh sure he mentions it, but he's never sat down and thought about the real logistics of it. Because. It's just not that important to him.
And the reason that it's just not that important is because he already has someone, there, someone he loves more than anyone else in the world. If I was his only love, he would think of way to come to me or bring me to him. He doesn't NEED me. He would be consumed with a desire to hold me in his arms. But he doesn't have a strong desire to meet me in real life. He's perfectly happy the way things are.
I had that, someone who needed me, wanted to be with me only (although not sexually). I gave it up.
For what?
Nothing.
I will never have a Dom, i mean a real Dom, one who lives the lifestyle and wants to collar me. It was just ridiculous for me to even think for one second that I could have that. And now I have no one. I'm here. On Christmas. Alone.
Crying myself to sleep.
Yet again.
No one to touch me or even hug me. No physical contact from another human being. I'm dying. Inside. Emotionally starving to death. I need the touch and the physical love of a man.