Missing

Missing Marc a lot today.
Everything reminds me of him.
I wish I could go back to January and never meet Michael.
I've lost a man who truly loved me.
No he wasn't perfect, far from it.
It used to make sense. I had reasons.
But now that I've lost everything I think...
For what.
For nothing.
:(
To be alone.
To have a Dom who lives 2700 km away, who I probably will never even touch. Who says he'll do things but doesn't follow through, or at least he hasn't yet. Who has at least 3 other women besides me (3 that I know of for sure) and he is married to boot.
How did I get here.
Sub Frenzy?
It's gone now.
I rarely feel that submissive rush anymore. I don't know how to get it back.
It's sad.
I love Grizz.
But he's not really a Dom. Not in the BDSM sense.
Or maybe it's just that he's more of a "Daddy" than a Sir.
I obey him, but I am losing that submissive mindset towards him. I'm not sure why. I will continue to be obedient, because maybe it will come back. Maybe that's how it works. You know, like, being in love, you don't always feel those strong feelings of love, they come and go.
Maybe it's the same with submission, with those feelings of a rush of "whatever it is". Maybe that waxes and wanes as well. I hope so.

At any rate, I'm staying right where I am for the foreseeable future. I'm feeling very confused, very mixed up. Not sure of anything or of anyone. I especially don't trust myself. Apparently I am not a very good judge of character. I don't feel entirely safe with Grizz. I think circumstances could arise that would lead him to betray me again. Right now he's all I have. But I do think he is led by his desires, he's not in control of them or of himself sometimes, and that makes for a dangerous Dom. Emotionally dangerous, not physically. I am very afraid that he will hurt me, again, and the next time will be worse.
Am I dwelling on bad memories?
Living in the past?... hmm...
Is that what I'm doing?
Maybe.
It's hard to just forget everything.
All that's happened.
Between me and Marc
Between me and Grizz
A lot of crap.
A lot lies and half truths.
On my part as well. I am by no means innocent.
There is no way to know if someone is lying or not.
Yes. It's sad.
Enough!
Keep moving forward.
Like Grizz says, that's what I have to do, just keep moving. Sigh.