I am lost

I look down at my hands, knuckles swollen from the arthritis, and I am reminded that Marc loved me anyway, even with all my imperfections. Makes me cry. The way I treated him, selfishness.
I remember how he gave up Raine for me. He loved her. But I refused to do the same for him. That destroyed him, broke him, my fault, sometimes I think I am an evil person and that I do not deserve any happiness, that I do not even deserve to live.
I think, I just want to say I am so very sorry. I wish I could take it all back, I wish I had never met Michael and fell into this trap. I was so very lonely, so sad, it's just not fair.
I thought I would be so much happier away from him, but I am not, I am still terribly lonely, and I will most likely never have another husband, another life partner.
I have simply traded one hell for another.

crying, sad, trying to find any little reason to feel happy, to have a happy thought.
Aleah hates me. Perhaps I am just an evil person. Perhaps I deserve all the hurt I get.

i am lost