One of many, insignificant.

Feeling very insignificant.
Feeling like he could leave me and not give it a second thought.
He has so many so called "friends". I am just one of many.
He doesn't NEED me.
He says I'm special, because I'm his submissive. It's just a word.
I am disposable to him.
At least that's how I feel.
He doesn't write with me, though he says he needs to write. Perhaps he doesn't like my writing but is afraid of hurting my feelings.
Always with another woman, always another " friend".
*sigh*
No woman will ever be enough for him. He craves the chase, he craves the exploration and newness of just meeting someone. After that, he forces himself to pretend to still be interested when he'd rather be on the prowl for fresh meat.
I love him. :( Yes it's sad because loving him hurts. Sometimes.
I don't always feel like this.
But today I do.
I wonder if he's having sex with shesadaddiesgirl... They seem to have a connection. Their comments seem to imply more than what's on the surface.
I think he likes the cloak and dagger, he likes the sneaking, and subterfuge.  I don't really know why he wants me.
I do find it sad.
I could have, would have opened myself to him completely. The gift I wanted to give him was/is precious. While, I am his, and want to be, I do hold back. I'm still a little afraid of him. I'm afraid he will hurt me again. I'm afraid that he doesn't take our relationship as seriously as I do. I've been hurt too much. Enough.
Why, why did he have to hurt me too.
It's so sad, so very sad.
If that hadn't happened he would have complete and utter control of me. Perhaps it's a good thing then really. It made me reel myself in a bit.
Crying now, balling my eyes out.
I believed he was honorable, I believed he was trustworthy, I believed he had integrity, but the no one is and no one does.
EVERYONE is going to hurt you, the trick is finding those worth suffering for.
No man can ever be trusted. Ever!
G is a good man.
But even he cannot be trusted.
Men do not understand the concept of loyalty when it comes to women.
I am so broken.
So unwilling to trust anyone. So afraid to give myself completely.
Now I may never get to experience the depth of submission that I crave.
Because I can never truly trust anyone ever again.

:(