Music Night

G has gone to play music.
I'm very happy for him, I could just hear in his voice as well as his words when he's walking in the door of the hall.
The stress just melts away.
I do know that feeling. For me, it's the hot pool. Submersing my whole naked body into the hot water... so good... And the jets, massaging my back. So so good.
Huge stress reliever.

I wish I could go to Dallas. I wish I could go and meet my Sir in person.
Not really a good idea though.
To go, to another country, to meet a man I met on Fet.
Its not that I'm afraid, it's just that it's not a wise thing to do.
Plus.
If I go there (instead of him coming here), I feel like I'm chasing after him, like I'm stalking him almost. Him coming here would prove how important I am to him.
I know he says he hopes to meet me someday, but I know, it's perfectly fine with him if he doesn't. It will not affect his life any, if he never meets me in person.
For me, I long to have his arms around me. I long to feel him take my hand, touch my face, stroke my hair.
I want him to make love to me with his body and not just his words.
I can wait, sure, but, I do want that, with all my heart.
I know the parting would be painful. But even so, I believe it would be worth it. Just to make those memories.
Ugh!
So what comes to mind... "There were tears when I left Andrea after" grrrrr
Get The Fuck Out of My Head!!
Why, why why
Why does that thought have to invade my dreaming.
Ugh!

He says he's in love with me.
I believe him.
I love him very much.

I do wish some things were different.
I wish we did not live so very far apart.
I wish he did not have so many other women. I wish I was his only "diversion".
I wish he would collar me, he has said he wants to. But maybe that was just him telling me what I want to hear.
I wish I had something of his to touch and hold when I'm missing him.
And I wish he'd never told me that Andrea has his shirts. Makes me not want to have his shirts, it takes the meaning and romance out of it. I don't like being the "stand in" for Andrea.

It's like, when he sent me those roses, I was overjoyed. I cried. It meant so much to me.
Then I found out, he sent them to Jess too. I still love them. But the meaning I thought was behind them, thinking I was special, that was lost. I was just one of his women. No big deal.

He says, someday, his baby girls will find real life partners. And "move on"
Perhaps. Perhaps not.
So, if, when, that happens.
Will he go find more?
SMH... I don't know.

He has not spent very much time on Fet lately. I'm not really sure why.
He says he's just not interested.
It's a change. It was hard to take for sure. Always a new "friend". And after all the lies and breaking his word, it was so very hard to trust him.
He's much more attentive to me now.
Not sure why he stopped trolling the website, but I am very glad that he did.

I'm so very blessed to have found him.
So very thankful for his love.
Thankful for his support and counsel.
And... lol... Yes... I'm very thankful for his telephone " skills " lol.

I am on my own tonight.
But I don't feel lonely.
I know G and I are together.
I know...
Someday the baby girls will leave, and I will, hopefully, have him all to myself.(except for his wife of course).

Am I bad person for falling in love with a married man?
It is a conflict that I have.
That I'm taking away from his wife what should be hers.
I don't know. I'm not ready to deal with that yet.
I need him.
There's no way I could make it without him.

And I realize, I take a lot of his time, and I realize he does have the "others". However, they are none of my concern, they are not in "our" relationship. Whether or not he is giving them enough attention, I no longer care. That's his problem, not mine. I am only concerned that he is meeting my needs. I will not ever sacrifice anything for them. I MUST look out for myself first and foremost.
Thing is, I do accept that I come second to his wife. But NOT anyone else. If I ever find out that he has ever told me/left me to be with his wife but in reality was not.
THAT could start a war.
I won't be used.
I won't be lied to.
I won't be tricked
I won't be manipulated.
I WILL fight back.

But, I don't think he'd do that anyway.

Usually, I trust him.
Every once in a while,  doubt creeps back in. But it stays less and less time and times that I feel it are growing ever further apart.;)

I just love him so very much.
So very very much.