So. Here I am

I now have my meds, Molly's kennel and the cord for my laptop. I guess I have everything I need for now.

I talked to H this morning, he called. He wants me to tell him if I am coming back. Coming back means also breaking off ties with G and deleting my Fet account. I don't want to do that. I feel very bad for him, H, that is. But at this point in time I'm not ready to go back.
I told him, I can't just keep going back and leaving. He thinks it's all to do with G. I said, we've had issues for a long time, or G wouldn't even exist. I mean, there was a reason I was searching for a Dom. And that reason still exists. He thinks I'm playing games. Just stringing him along, but it's not like that. I just think 4 days is not long enough to get myself together and figure out what I want.
This is my life we're talking about.
Am I ready to give up on my marriage, I don't know. I can see us possibly together again down the road. But it'll be so hard for H. He needs me. I have taken care of him for all these years. But I know, he is not my child. He is a grown man. I do still feel responsible for his welfare though.
It's sad. To lose our apartment. That does make me sad. To lose A's playroom. But that is not a good reason to stay married.
I did break our agreement.
I did betray him.
He doesn't trust me.
And I'm not sure why I felt I couldn't go 2 weeks without talking to my Dom. It just seemed impossible and torturous. H says, he was trying to give me everything I wanted and that I was being unreasonable. I do agree with him. But that aside, why was I doing it?
I was very unhappy for a long time.
There are a lot of things I'll miss about being married. It was nice to have someone there even though it wasn't always happy. Nice to have someone to cook for. A warm body to sleep beside sometimes.
When I was on the phone to him, he read me the song that G wrote for his wife when she went on a trip. "It's not a home without you" He said, I guess G knows how I feel right now.
I wish he and G could have been friends. I think H would have learned a lot. It's unfortunate that I was so selfish about it. Unfortunate that I freaked out and pretty much forced G to break the agreement. It is my fault. But H was so mean, I needed my Dom. He calms me down. He helps me to see beyond my crazy emotions. To stop. And think. Rest. Not make snap decisions.
Could I ever see myself in the future willingly, happily,  giving him up? I don't know. Right now? No.