The weekend

Arrived back in Orillia today around 11am. I was gone camping for the weekend. It's the family reunion.
I had a really great time. Despite a little bit of a hiccup between me and H. It went well.

We shared a tent and the air mattress... no sex... but we did cuddle.
As G says, something keeps drawing us back together.

I discovered, I do, do things to hurt my H, which saddens me greatly.
H went to bed early on Sat night... so here is what happened

We were all drinking, beer, me wine, whatever, I was drunk, and we ran out of beer. I knew H had some left in our cooler in the tent. So I sent my nephew to get it. And he brought out the whole cooler, which was fine with me....

Well H woke up, wanted a beer, and guess what, the cooler was missing.
He came out to the campfire, he was really really angry.
I swear on all I love until that very second I had no idea that what I was doing was so disrespectful.

H says, you gave away all my beer? I was speechless, but managed, um you were sleeping, lame I know.
He says, it was so disrespectful, he says, I am nothing to you, this proves it, you would never have done that to someone else (he's right I wouldn't have). I all of a sudden realized he was right. It was really fucked up. Why would do such a thing, I mean, I could have woken him and asked him. Perhaps I didn't want to wake him up because I was having more fun without him. Perhaps I do have deep seated anger that manifests itself this way. I would like to discuss this with a proper counselor. What the hell was I thinking! I really really don't know. At the time I saw nothing at all wrong with what I did. It's like common sense got up and left. And I just don't agree that it was because I was drunk. Now, and this is a big confession... I did take one toke on a joint, but, it was only to see if it would help with my pain, really. And I actually do think it did help.  Even so, no excuse. What the hell was wrong with me? UGH!

I definitely believe now that H has some kind of mental illness and that having to deal with it for all of these years has weighed me down, and worn me down. And now, I am just done. And it's hard to fix it now.

I actually do think that the weed did help. I was in almost no pain on Sat night and Sun morning. Well most of Sunday really. Now I'm swollen and achy all over. And it's less toxic than the meds I take. I want to try it again. By itself and see if it helps me.