Ramblings of a confused mind...

Pensive. Tired. Scared of the future. Scared that someday... you won't be part of my life. If I end up back with Marc.. I mean eventually. Because he would never accept you. And lying and secrets would not be an option. Just thinking about a lot of things.
About signing a year lease. About living with my nephew. About H and what he's going to do with no one to help him. He has no support network.
Wish I could shut off my brain.

You say you love me. I know you do in your own way. It is true, like you say, "I" am the one you chose as your submissive. You are always there for me if there is any way possible that you can be. I know, at least, I believe I offended you last night, when I told you my irrational fear. The fear that if I'm not available to you enough you will find someone else. I do understand why it upset you. You see it as me questioning your integrity. And I know you tell me all the time that you're not going anywhere and neither am I. So then where is this coming from, why am I sometimes so fearful. Insecure. Don't know.
When I talked to you today, I panicked, I couldn't bare the thought of what you were going to say. What you've said before..... That if he stepped up and into his role as my leader and my husband that you would step away. I'm so afraid of that. I think I don't have any faith that he would ever be able to truly handle it. And then you'd be gone and I'll be lost again. Trapped. Again.
LOL. Just thought. It's almost like I have multiple personalities......
One wants to run back home to him right now.
One wants total freedom to run away from everything and everyone.
One wants only you, and you're the only thing that matters.
One wants to hide.
One feels motherly towards your baby girls and a sense of family because we all belong to you.
One wants a monogamous Dom.
One wants a poly family.
I am just mixed up, confused.
Starving for love and attention from a man.

When H said he doesn't want to lose me, I said, you don't even like me. I feel very unloved by him. I guess my Dom kind of fills some of those needs.
I do feel very disconnected from everything. From reality. Right now. I don't trust my own judgment.
I ponder... I consider... If it would even be possible for me to agree to leave my Dom and Fet Life behind. If I was to devote myself 100% to my H, would that work? I just don't believe that it would. I don't believe he can give me what I need.... But... Can G?
No physical love?
For how long?
FML!!!!!
No good solutions.