Grow Up...

G told me he wants me to grow up, he was angry, but I know he meant it. He views my jealous insecurities as childish behavior. I know that he believes that. That I am acting childish. And perhaps I am. But. I would like to see how he would react if his wife was flirting with men the way he does with women. He would be jealous, I think and perhaps behave badly. He says he loves me, well I know he does, in his own way, but then seemingly is quite willing to let me go, or rather make me go if I show jealousy. I know, I flipped out over nothing, and I'm not even sure why. I mean who cares if they post on his wall, who cares if they flirt with him, as long as he's still giving me what I need. Why should I care? I shouldn't. There's no need.

After almost losing him I'm back to feeling extremely panicky and insecure. Like he might decide to leave me at any minute, or if I do or say something wrong.
I have to be careful. I just can't bare to lose him. I am so afraid. Afraid of losing myself back into sub frenzy. Afraid of being all alone.
He always says, "I'm not perfect, I guarantee you I will let you down" well, I'm not perfect either.
Sometimes though it seems that he believes that saying those words makes it OK to hurt me, and Jess. Crim doesn't care what he does or with who. I wish I was more like her. I don't know how to do that. How do I just stop being jealous. To me that would mean that I have stopped loving him. I don't know.
But I do know one thing, I will never ever express my jealousy to him again. Or at least I will try not to.
Honestly,  I don't care what he does with anyone else anymore. All I care about is that he doesn't release me.