sad/conflicted trying to stay in control

I am so upset. And sad and frustrated. I am doing my best not cry and to stay in control...
Which means NOT send him a million messages.
It was so good, such a good day.
Then he asks if I want him to call to say goodnight. I needed his comforting. His love.
So he calls, but he wasn't with me he was a million miles away. He wasn't even paying attention to my words. I was an inconvenience so it seemed.
Now I feel empty. Hollow. Like I'm nothing to him.
I know that's ridiculous. But it's so hard to stay calm.
I tried to tell him. I didn't have the right words.
I know I didn't do a very good job.
I needed some gentle caring, some loving attention after this afternoon. I feel guilty for complaining.
I'm afraid I'm headed for a bad sub drop. I'm fighting to hold on, to not cry. Tears are burning the backs of my eyes.
How could he not know what I needed.
Now I can't even talk to him. His wife needs him.
Those precious few minutes.
They were supposed to be MINE!!!

He was so distant. :( I tried to be patient, it's so awful.
I wish he hadn't called.

OK no more getting so worked up on Mondays because there's no time for after care. And me having bad sub drop is Not good for either of us.

I sent him this message....

I did not communicate well. I was not complaining. I was trying to tell you what I needed. I failed. I didn't use the right words. I needed some gentle caring, some loving words from you after this afternoon. There was no aftercare and I do understand why. But then tonight...You were not with me on that phone call. I am using all of the self control I have to try to send you this message without sounding whiny and without causing you grief. I don't want to do that. But I do want to let you know where I am. I will try very hard not to be upset tonight or tomorrow. I'm not promising but I'll do my best. I had to at least tell you so that I can try to forget about it and just go to sleep. I don't expect you to do anything or even respond tonight. I just needed to tell you. I love you Bill.💋💜 Your Julie.