Thursday, June 26, 2014.

 I woke up this morning to the wonderful text from you just saying you were thinking about me. It made me smile and my heart sing to know that you you woke thinking of me, it just makes me feel so good.

It was so it was so wonderful being with you last night. I don't know how I'm going to go four days without you. It's just possible, I will find a way that I can be with you because I am just NOT going to survive four days. I will be fit to be tied for sure.

I'm still in bed snuggled under the blankets. Just thinking of you, remembering last night, still feeling so good. I wish I could capture this feeling and just tap into in anytime I wanted to, anytime I felt insecure. I wish I could just go back to these happy moments and relive them.

later

It's been a long day. Not hearing his voice all day has been hard. I just can't imagine living like this for the rest of my life, things will have to change. I feel so empty when I don't get to connect with him. Yes we have texted back and forth a bit, but, it's just not the same, I need to hear his voice.

What I really need is to be with him again. I have such a longing for him to claim me again, bring back the feelings, the state of mind from last night. I just want and need to feel secure and being with him gives me that security. 

He said, he wants me in his bed, oh God I would do just about anything to really be in his bed. To see him in real time and not over an electronic device. To touch him, smell him, be in his presence. I long for this, I try not to think about it too much, and at first it wasn't as hard, I was grateful for just the LDR that we have. But each day, each week that passes, I yearn to be with him physically more and more. Even to be able to touch something that he touched - the thought gives me a huge lump in my throat and brings tears to my eyes - I adore him so very much. 

I was thinking too, why does him being with another woman bother me so much. 

I think I have figured out a little bit of it. Or I have at least formed an hypothesis. I mean, I want him to be happy and I certainly don't want him to have to suffer in any way, so what is the big deal if he has cybersex with some random woman, he has said he won't take on any more baby girls or subs. So the only time he would be giving this other woman attention is time that he cannot be with me anyway, or else he could just come to me to have his needs met. I hate that he can't just call me any time day or night. I hate that I can't be there for him when he needs me. It makes me want to be single.

He always says, there is emotion in all relationships, so what if he became very attached to his play partner and wanted me to give her some of my time with him. Not cool. And also NOT happening.

Also, when it's happening, if it's happening, it's on the weekend. The weekend when I am in prison and not supposed to contact him....we are forced to be separated for three days. So here I am crying my eyes out because I want to be with him so badly while some other woman is taking what should be mine, what would be mine if I was not in this prison. 

So then resentment builds, towards any woman who expresses interest, and towards my husband. Perhaps that sounds selfish. But he doesn't want to give me what I need, and the fact of the matter is, he's just not capable of being my Dom. There are many reasons.