Monday

It's Monday, I got to go to my aquafit class today. Yaaaaa! It makes my day so much better.

I haven't had a lot of time to message you, feeling a little disconnected from you. But I know, we will be together tonight. I just need to be patient, not one of my strong suits. :)

It's almost 6pm, this is the first opportunity I've had to write. Still I have to be quiet. My mind is quiet today, compared to most days. It's been quiet here. No arguing or upsets, which is good.

It does cross my mind, well, you mentioned, that other account. I truly have no way of knowing if you are talking to her or another woman or not,. Either you're not, or you've learned to cover your tracks better. I am erring on the side that you have told me the truth, that you are not FranklyEarnest. But honestly there is no way for me to ever know that beyond any doubt. Talking to her is not even the issue, lying to me about it was. I don't dwell on it. But sometimes, I still feel the hurt for a second or two when you talk about honesty (like in your profile) or making these fake profiles. It's not an issue, and I think I have come very far since that day, as far as dealing with my feelings. At one point I was sure you had done it on purpose just to hurt me because you made it so easy for me to find and figure out it was you. I think what made me the most upset was that I felt you had willfully destroyed what we had, I trusted you beyond reason and beyond any doubt whatsoever, I would have done anything for you. It was so easy for me to obey you because I adored the very ground you walk on. I had no reservations about giving myself to you completely, but after that, I had to learn to trust you all over again, second guessing everything, not trusting even myself, submitting was and sometimes still is a challenge, not like in the beginning when it felt right and natural. But... I digress, you have been earning my trust since then. And as far as I know you have not lied to me since that day. I can only hope that, that is true, there is no 100% . I am not sure what would happen to me if I was to find out that you were still lying to me. Anyway, like I said, I don't sit and think about it. I have all of my hopes pinned on you and your love for me and I have great hope that someday we will be as close as we once were. I figure, if you were playing games and didn't really love me you would not have stuck around for this long. If you were not genuine, you would not have the patience with me that you have needed to allow me the time I need to feel comfortable and close with you again.

I don't want to hold things back, and you have said you want to read my journals. It does concern me a great deal. I would hate for you to make decisions based on my temporary feelings. But I also think that if this is to be worthwhile exercise, I have to be able to write out my thoughts and feelings as they are, uncensored, otherwise this journal would be fake.

I think a lot about what I want out of a D/s relationship, as far as being a submissive goes.
I know that I want and need a very strong Dom, one who can "keep me under control" as someone once said. LOL. I want and need to know that he has control over himself and of me.
I also want and need to be his only submissive. It's not jealousy. It's because, I need a lot of time and attention, and if there were others then he would not be able to give me what I need.
I hate the word, incompatible, they say that a lot on the website when giving advice. "Maybe you are just incompatible and should end the relationship" That is so horrible to read, even if it is true sometimes. It's just not so cut and dried. There are real people and real feelings involved.  It's not so easy to just give up on someone you have given yourself to, it is very emotionally devastating.

I did feel much better this weekend, knowing I could talk to you sometimes.
Friday was hard. He and I had an argument, and it left me feeling unwanted and unworthy of love. The gist of it was that having sex with me just wasn't worth the effort that foreplay requires, that I should be the one trying to get him in the mood. So, it hurt my feelings and I went to my room and cried for a while, all I could think was I needed you, I needed to talk with you but couldn't, that I just wanted to be free of him and free of his judgments. Planning how I could get away, what I could do, because I know that you would tell me that I am wanted and I am worthy.