My Fears

You asked why I doubt you.
Even though you have done things like meeting my family etc.

I've been thinking a lot and trying to identify what it is and when it is that I feel insecure in our relationship. So here's what I've come up with so far.

Please understand, I'm in no way trying to make you feel bad or guilty and these are not complaints. This is my attempt to look at events objectively and analize them. My goal is to make sense of why I feel the way I do so that I can better explain it to you.

So.... Here goes. 

Not Saying Goodnight when we're apart...

Not calling me to say goodnight, because it was "late". It's hard for me to understand, it's hard to ignore thoughts like " maybe you don't have very strong feelings for me and you could just walk away without a second thought ". I try to push those thoughts away. It's just that for me... I always want to talk to you, i wait all day to talk to you for those precious few minutes, You are the person I want to share my day with, even if it's late, even if all I get to do is say goodnight to you. It makes me happy. The fact is,  It was only 11:15pm. You've called later than that many many times. It takes less than 2 minutes to call and say goodnight. So I felt like you were not being honest about why you weren't calling. I don't understand, we are in a romantic relationship, right? so, why wouldn't you be eager to hear my voice, why wouldn't you look forward to saying goodnight to me? It just doesn't make any sense to me. Then I start thinking that you don't really want to call me at all, that you really couldn't care less about connecting with me (i don't mean that in an angry way) just that, you only do it for my sake. You view it as a chore that must be done. I'm just guessing of course. I mean it is obvious that saying goodnight to me is not all that important to you, it seems like we could probably not talk at all unless we're planning to get together and that would be ok with you. I find that difficult to understand. In my mind, if someone loves you, they want to talk with you as often as they can. It confuses me but I'm trying to understand. Perhaps it's because, you do care for me, but you're not "in love" with me like I am with you,  you've been very upfront about that, made it perfectly clear, perhaps I just forget sometimes and so I expect behavior from you that I shouldn't expect.
I know we were having a difficult week at the time... last week when you didn't call... So... I try to tell myself, you were just protecting yourself, you needed to not be stressed because work was stressful enough and you were afraid that talking with me would stress you out, affect your sleep and so you chose not to take the chance. I do get it. It makes me very sad that that rift between us happened.

Sleeping habits...
We don't sleep together. You prefer not to sleep with me. It makes me sad but I try to deal with it. I find it so difficult to understand how you don't find it comforting or " nice " to have a warm body beside you in bed. But I'm trying.
As i feared, it has created a distance between us that I wish wasn't there. I long for a deeper emotional connection with you.
I try to remember, I'm not your girlfriend, and certainly not your wife so perhaps not sleeping together is part of this new dynamic that we're in and just something I need to and eventually will, get used to. I've never had a relationship like this, so perhaps that's why it feels so odd to me that you'd prefer to sleep alone but yet you do love me. It's hard to get my head around that one.  Sometimes I think it's because you are afraid of liking sleeping with me too much, because, like you said, it took you a long time to get used to sleeping alone and be able to fall asleep. I certainly can understand why you wouldn't want to mess that up. Still. I do get a pang of sadness and it's hard for me not to feel a little unwanted/rejected and like I said it puts a distance between us emotionally that I wish wasn't there. I'm still working on this. Perhaps I'll even learn to like it and appreciate it. Or perhaps you will start to like having me in your bed. Who knows. Stranger things have happened.