A brilliant tool for Dom/sub communication

A brilliant tool for Dom/sub communication

sexsmurf

Journal Entry | 211 Comments · 1,524 Love It | 1 day ago

Not that it's happened to any of you out there, but I've noticed in my own relationships that when we start hitting the two year mark the rainbows and gumdrops start to lose their lustre, and suddenly you find yourself dating an actual human being. At this point communication is the lubrication that keeps the fucking machine of partnership thrusting smoothly, and unfortunately most people suck at it.

In conflict what you're supposed to do is listen, reassure, separate the behavior from the person, take ownership, and modify whenever possible. What most people do is divert, defend, self-blame, manipulate, or attack. This happens because conflict arouses your fight or flight mechanisms, causing electrical activity to drain away from the part of your brain that could actually solve the problem, your cortex, and diverting it to the part of your brain that wants to wring that persons neck, your limbic system.

Bringing yourself out an aroused limbic state is possible, but it requires you to understand how you went all cave-man-brain in the first place. Part of it has to do with the telepathic process by which you communicate or interpret intention based on body language and tone. If someone looks pissed off, they're telling your brain to get ready for a fight. Another part relates to how negatively phrased boundaries trigger deep shame, anger, or frustration, triggering cognitive dissonance, which leads to a defensive response. A final piece of the puzzle is the unfortunate tendency of allowing problems build for way too long, and this is where D/s relationships run into some special pitfalls.

If I had a nickel for every time I have had to pry the feelings out of a submissives mouth only to find out she's been upset for months I'd invest in a truth serum to be injected weekly thereafter. The problem with subs in that their pleasure in the dynamic is wired directly into the subjugation of their own needs. So saying "I'm not happy with such and such." ruins the experience for them. Unfortunately such and such IS going to come out, and when it finally does it's usually not going to be phrased all that well, setting the stage for limbic warfare. Things are just as hard from the Dom side of things, where you need to reinforce control while still being sensitive to the needs of your partner.

Talking with a submissive friend about this the other day, she gave me an excellent idea based on how her and her husband, lets call them Debbie and Herbert, communicate in their 24/7 relationship. These two have 10 years without killing each other under their belts, so I perked up and listened.

If Debbie has a dissatisfaction she is REQUIRED to express it to Herbert, but she must do so in the following manner. Debbie gets down on her knees, looks up at Herbert, and must explain her boundary or desire in a positive phrasing that focuses on what she wants to have happen, as opposed to what she doesn't like.

BRILLIANT! Both the change in physical posture and changing the phrasing from negative to positive short circuits the normal limbic response. On her knees Debbie feels even more submissive, which she loves, while at the same time feeling like she can speak her mind. Looking down at her like that, it's almost impossible for Herbert to be angry at anything she says, so it's easier to listen, and even more so because the communication is focusing on a solution instead of a problem.

2 1/2 years into my own D/s relationship, my girl and I are now into the real stuff, and trying to balance normal healthy communication with keeping the dynamic strong has proven pretty challenging at times. Remembering this technique a few hours into our last big dust-up, I was bordering on furious, but then all of the sudden she gets down on her knees and looks up at me. The effect just completely short circuits my brain. I'm PISSED and I want to stay that way, but there is just no way I can do it with her down there like that. I look down and say: "I hate you." but even as I say it there is a big smile spreading across my face. "Dammit, I tell her, stop it!" but she just stays put, and it's hopeless. My brain can't stay mad this way.

Usually conflicts need to blow themselves out and people need to recenter before reengaging, but here was a tool that could refocus the moment, open a channel for clear communication, and strongly reinforce a power dynamic at the same time. That, to me, is pretty goddamn impressive, so I thoughts I'd take a moment to share.